....to be livid!

[Thebestusernamesaretaken]

I'm furious! 8 months ago I left my ea oh and moved into a refuge, 8 months on and I've got a ha house and I am slowly rebuilding the lives of my children and I. I get nothing off my ex and rely totally on benefits. Despite this I've been bending over backward to try to encourage a relationship between my children and their dad. The children are 18 months and 5 and ex has said he wants to see them but feels he cannot cope with them both, so whenever they visit him I stay in the spare room. Recently it has become every weekend and his attitude is once again becoming more unpleasant, including complaining about the children making any sort of mess and that he has to tidy up when they've left. This weekend I got there last night to be greeted by my god you look terrible, why don't you make some bloody effort (I had jeans on and my hands show signs that I've been decorating) I then spent all evening sorting out some paperwork he wanted, no thanks given. This morning the 5 year old felt it a good idea to ignore me as every time I asked him to do something his dad failed to say anything or back me up. He then Went into the garden and poo'd on the patio and the other child played with it, 5 year old said nothing. In the end the general bad behaviour of the 5 year old led to dad saying he thought it best we leave, as we were leaving he said take them away and don't ever bring them back, he then said he considers all this my fault and he doesn't agree with how I parent, he also will not say how he would do it as he said he'll be criticised and he's not making that mistake again. He also said how depressed it made him feel. i'm back home again with 2 confused children and I'm furious!

[TheCrowFromBelow]

You are allowing him to reinstate the EA patterns of your previous relationship.

Stop going. Your Dcs are obviously not happy when they are there. If he wants access he can take them out for an afternoon and build up from there.

[LazyLouLou]

Take him at his word.

If he wants to reinstate he can go through court, and get his payment schedule sorted too!

[EatDessertFirst]

What Lazy said.

Sounds like you'd all be better off without him and his EA anyway.

[FayKorgasm]

Don't bring the children near him again. They are not having a relationship with their father,they are learning how one parent can emotionally abuse and manipulate the other parent.
Well done on leaving him and the best of luck in your new home.

[LapsedTwentysomething]

Surely by agreeing to this arrangement (and why would you do his paperwork on top of this?) you are enabling him to treat you and your DSs like this? You can't maintain this.

[WinterOfOurDiscountTents15]

I suggest you do precisely as he says, take them away and never bring them back. You're reinserting yourself and more importantly your children into an abusive environment.

[BoyScout]

You've gone to the considerable effort of leaving him, only to carry on having to put up with the same behaviour.

[FenellaFellorick]

Sounds like you are out of the relationship physically but not mentally or emotionally.
Stop being 'nice' to him. It is not your job to sort out his paperwork or any other stuff and you are just making him think it's business as usual.
If he wants to see his children then he can collect them and take them, like any other parent.
You would benefit from some help to identify and establish boundaries with him.
He's still bullying you

[Foffyouwanker]

Simple. Stop going. He is still being emotionally abusive, and will not stop. This is why your children behave as they do.
Visit your favourite sister instead.

[Purplepoodle]

Crikey. U really shouldn't have anything to do.with him outside the children. You need to back off. If he can't cope with kids then he doesn't have them it's simple.

[Littlefish]

Your have spent 8 months in a refuge, slowly getting your life back. You are allowing now yourself to be slowly but surely dragged back into the same awful situation.

Stop doing his paperwork
Stop staying over
Stop accepting his insults
Stop accepting his emotional abuse

If he can't look after the children then he can't have them overnight and can only see them for the amount of time he can cope on his own.

[LIZS]

He will never show you or the children any respect. If you escaped once do not make your lives dependent upon his whims again. If he wants to see them it should be at a contact centre and not involve you seeing him at all. Did ss get involved before, if so do they know of this arrangement?

[Bellebella]

I would stop having contact with him completely. He sounds a shit father and you all sound a million times better without him.

[loveliesbleeding1]

He is trying to control you and your dc, don't go along with this madness anymore.
you were so brave leaving, don't let him do this..
it's understandable that your eldest is playing you up, he must be terribly confused.

[The5DayChicken]

You're still in the pattern of abuse. If he can't cope with looking after the children without someone else there, either he doesn't see them or contact is through a contact centre. The way it's been happening gives him too much opportunity to continue treating you badly.

Take him at his word. Don't contact him at all. If he starts kicking off that he wants access, make it clear that any access is to the children, not to you.

I supervised contact between my abusive ex and my DD for about 6 months. He was on his absolute best behaviour in the early weeks but he slowly started slipping back to the way he was used to treating me.

Fuck that. Life's too short love.

[Dowser]

Shakes head in disbelief!

Why would you?

[WellErrr]

What everyone else said.

And well done for getting out in the first place

[LumpySpacedPrincess]

Only gonna stay the same as everyone else. Stop, just stop.

You are allowing him to control you, this is damaging for you and the kids. Take him at his word and don't go back.

[Thebestusernamesaretaken]

Yep, I know I've been stupid and I'm rapidly realising he's still controlling me with this access, guarantees I can't do anything else in my spare time and it's time to take him at his word. For, did think about doing exactly that but the battery cost has made it rather unlikely I can reasonably manage the fuel. :(

[The5DayChicken]

IME OP, you get to 'that point' that makes you leave. And well done for getting there. But you also get to 'that point' after where you have begun adjusting to being out of an abusive relationship and are getting your sense of self back but then realise you're still being abused.

For me, that second breaking point came when my ex turned up at 8am one morning (supposed to arrive at 4pm after work) with the dog, stating that as he was coming to see DD later, I had to look after the dog until then. He was told no in terms he couldn't mistake. Then when he turned up for the next visit a few days later, he was extremely pissed off about me not agreeing to dog sitting and kicked off, being vile. I lost my shit, chucked him out and told him he's not to return. And fuck me, am I happy for it. I'm now enjoying the next step of my self rediscovery because I don't have to gear myself up to see him every few days.

[Thebestusernamesaretaken]

Thank you, I think I've got to that second point - shouldn't have had any contact really but I also know if it hadn't been for the support of my family (one sister in particular!) and refuge then I would have gone back.

[Foffyouwanker]

I hope he does not know where you now live. He might want to control you but you don't need him to!!

[Thebestusernamesaretaken]

No, he doesn't know where we are, he does know we are back in the county, just not where, quite tempted to tell him we're moving to Inverness :)