Who is being unreasonable ? Re sex workers

[help14993]

Am asking for a friend who has asked to post on my account and have thereby NC, here's what she has said

"I've been with my boyfriend for 20 months, and about 9 months ago he admitted to me that about a year before we had got together he had regularly slept with prostitutes (about 20 in total), and visited strip clubs (only with friends for drinks and only once had gotten a private dance which he'd hated). Now obviously this was before we got together, but I took it really hard as had imaged there was always a "type" of guy who did that sort of thing, and assumed that that type of guy would also cheat/lie etc. it also hurt me a lot just when considering him in comparison to my friends boyfriends, who seem very butter wouldn't melt and like they'd never do that.
We moved on past it and he swore there was nothing else to tell me, until last night where he revealed a "funny" story about a time he was getting a private dance and a stripper "excited" him, and it came out that he has actually had them many times and actually quite enjoyed them back in the day. I went mental, screaming calling him scum, which was unfair of me but I was so hurt as I thought i had been told all of it last time.
Now it comes to the morning and we don't know who is being unreasonable, he thinks I should mind my own business as it was before we were together and is furious at me for the things I said when I was mad, whereas I am upset because I thought I knew the whole truth and I'm so mad at him for bringing it up again, and because I think things like this are a very big deal and now I don't know wether I can trust him.
Who is being unreasonable?"

Also just to say as it's mumsnet I am expecting to be called a troll, this is not a troll message just a very weird situation

[WhetherOrNot]

Tell her to open her own account on here.

[QuiteLikely5]

I think that neither of you are wrong. It's whether you can accept his past.

[WorraLiberty]

If dating someone who has used sex workers is a deal breaker for her, then she needs to finish with him.

He doesn't owe her every single sordid detail of what happened before they met.

He sounds like an utter arse though, who clearly likes to wind her up with his 'jolly' little stories.

[longlistofexlovers]

I don't know why she was ok with prostitutes and not strippers tbh.

I'd leave. The man doesn't value women as human beings.

You know how you can judge a person by how they treat waiters? You can judge a potential partner by how they treat/what they believe about sex workers.

[viva100]

It would be a deal breaker for me although she shouldn't have started screaming, calling him names. I would just break it off, anyone who uses prostitutes and strippers has very dodgy morals and probably doesn't respect women very much either.

[19lottie82]

I don't get the OK with prostitutes but not with strippers thing either?

But no one can advise if it's OK to be with someone who has used sex workers. It's down to how she feels. If she can handle it fine, if she can't split up with him, it's that simple.

[Gottagetmoving]

I wouldn't want to be with a bloke who went with prostitutes or goes to strip clubs.
Obviously, what he did before he met your friend is his business - He may have changed but I think the 'type' who enjoys that stuff probably never stops enjoying it.
Having said that, at least he told her. There are probably lots of women who don't know their partners did/do this.

[Tootsiepops]

Friend is NBU - partner lied to her when he spun a bullshit story about only ever having had one private dance and not enjoying it. He should have gotten it all out in the open to have allowed your friend to have made a fully informed decision about whether or not to carry on with the relationship. Calling someone scum isn't really on, but I understand her reaction.

[AuntyMag10]

Yuck why would she even want to be with someone who slept with prostitutes or strippers? That type of man is not a good man.

[Pandora37]

I don't think there is any "type" of guy who uses prostitutes or strippers. From what I've read, they come from all walks of life, backgrounds, ages and ethnicities. Going to strippers does seem to be more of a young jack the lad type thing though.

I personally don't think men who do either necessarily lack respect for women or are scumbags. I think a lot of men have had some kind of sex worker experience however much they deny it. I wouldn't be jealous of her friends having innocent boyfriends - the ones who seem sweet and innocent usually are the worst culprits and I reckon at least one of them has done it or is doing it. Maybe that's just my cynical attitude though.

That said, 20 prostitutes is quite a lot but I don't think he's more likely to cheat than anyone else. He does sound horrible for telling her that story about the stripper. He knew how upset she got last time so why would he do that? He must have known it would upset her again - he either lacks a brain or is very insensitive. It's difficult because I don't think he necessarily has to tell her about everything he's done in his past but he did lie to her. If he was going to tell her that he'd seen sex workers he should have told her the full story or kept his mouth shut. It can't be because he was scared of her reaction because he'd already disclosed about sleeping with prostitutes, which some people would think is worse than going to a stripper so I don't understand why he didn't come clean and why he's suddenly felt the need to bring it up now.

I don't think the problem here is that he's been to sex workers (although if she's not comfortable with it then that's a perfectly acceptable reason to end it) but more the fact he lied and is winding her up about something she disapproves of. That's not nice behaviour.

[Fairenuff]

Why can't she post herself?

[BabyMurloc]

Personally I think there are 3 issues here:

1. He has lied. He claimed to "come clean" about his past but clearly left some out. This can raise trust issues and be a deal breaker.
   

1. He has been with strippers and prostitutes. This can also be a deal breaker.
   

1. Sounds like he is proud of his past ("let me tell you a funny story..") This may lead you to believe he could do it again/still be doing it.
   

What the OPs friend needs to decide is: is this guy worth it?

[PrawnToast12]

Your friend is unreasonable to assume there is a 'type' of man that visits sexworkers. They are not all scumbags, and don't have derogatory attitudes to women. A minority yes, but that is also true for real life relationships. I say this as someone with vast personal experience.
If it bothers her that much, then leave. He shouldn't really discuss it in front of her though, knowing she is uncomfortable. That's just disrespectful.

[ttc2015]

They are incompatible, this is a deal breaker- they should just end it. Neither is unreasonable to have their own opinion.

[manicinsomniac]

I don't think I could be with someone like this. Although, if I had already met and fallen in love with him before I found out then maybe I'd have to find a way to move past it, I don't know.

The first thing that occurred to me though was that, if he's slept with 20 prostitutes I really hope he got himself tested before he slept with your friend!

[sykadelic]

Contrary to some posters opinion, I'm the same as your friend, I do believe there is a "type" of person who goes to strippers and sees prostitutes on a regular basis. There is the person who goes once or on a special occasion to check it out, then there's the habitual attender.

Your friend has been with this guy long enough to know what he's like NOW, and I have to say his reaction to her reaction leaves a lot to be desired.

He told her AFTER she told him how much of a problem she had with it. He then said SHE was the one with the problem and SHE needed to get over it. He should have kept his mouth shut and there wouldn't be a problem.

This will be the beginning (if there already aren't other examples) of him forcing his views on her and her just needed to "get over it".

Happened to my DSis too.. she hated a certain thing, turns out her fiance did it, she told him to stop, he told her he wouldn't and instead of leaving him she stayed so he kept doing it. Her word and her opinion meant nothing to him. He would do whatever he wanted. They're married with kids now. Sad :S

[ApeMan]

There is definitely not a type of man who uses prostitutes. There is a type that isn't likely to, and even they might.

The idea someone disrespects women because of what they do with another consenting adult does not really hold water.

My primary concerns would be obviously the sexual health aspect (get tested for what you can immediately) and the idea of a reasonably attractive man habitually using the services of prostitutes as a relationship replacement, which sounds as fishy as fuck and suggests something is amiss with him.

[AntiHop]

She is NBU. A man who thinks it's acceptable to buy women is a misogynist.

[Gottagetmoving]

The idea someone disrespects women because of what they do with another consenting adult does not really hold water

I disagree with that. Just because the women is 'consenting' and even getting paid, The man is using her for his own sexual gratification. I don't think there is respect for a person when you do this. Many women turn to prostitution out of desperation.
Yes, they are both adults but the man considers it ok to buy the right to use her for relief. There is no respect in that.
He isn't doing her a favour either, before anyone decides she needs the money so he is helping!

[hellsbellsmelons]

Oh I see, so this guy is really respectful towards women!??? NOT!!!
Makes my skin crawl - sorry.

[Athenaviolet]

Ltb

[WinterOfOurDiscountTents15]

The idea someone disrespects women because of what they do with another consenting adult does not really hold water

Naive much? Completely ignoring the fact that some sex workers are non-consenting women forced into prostitution (although we shouldn't ignore that), consent given through drug addiction, poverty, abusive relationships and lack of alternative is not true consent. "Using" prostitutes is not an equal relationship of two consenting adults, one party is paying for the use of anothers body at the very least, and does in fact imply an inherent disregard for and disrespect for women.

She's not wrong to dump him for the facts revealed. But she knew enough to not be with him in the first place, so I don't get her outrage, which is all about herself anyway.

[TRexingInAsda]

I agree exactly with WinterOfOurDiscountTents - awesome user name too.

[ApeMan]

"Naive much? Completely ignoring the fact that some sex workers are non-consenting women forced into prostitution (although we shouldn't ignore that), consent given through drug addiction, poverty, abusive relationships and lack of alternative is not true consent. "Using" prostitutes is not an equal relationship of two consenting adults, one party is paying for the use of anothers body at the very least, and does in fact imply an inherent disregard for and disrespect for women.

She's not wrong to dump him for the facts revealed. But she knew enough to not be with him in the first place, so I don't get her outrage, which is all about herself anyway."

That whole concept is predicated on the idea that the woman in question cannot make her own decisions and does not know her own mind, and that you can say she is not giving "true consent" and treat her as an infant, a person without consent to give, if you disapprove of her sexual morality.

It's a fundamentally problematic standpoint to presuppose you know better than a woman and decide her consent doesn't matter, that she is not a full human being and an agent of her free will, because of who she chooses to have sex with, and how. It hints at an attitude I would expect from a very sexist/misogynistic person, moralizing about other people's choices, although I am sure you do not mean that, at all.

For the record, I disapprove of prostitution personally, lest I am taken the wrong way. However I just don't assume women's choices are "not real consent" on the basis I somehow know their own minds better than they do.