To be pissed off about this?

[Ohbollocksandballs]

Back story, been separated from DS Dad since September. He now lives a 40 minute drive away with his new partner (she seems lovely, the poor girl). He was EA when we were together and it took many talkings to from MNers for me to realise this.

Anyway he has DS from Friday 5pm until Saturday 5pm (usually he will ask me to collect DS early as he can't get him to nap ), I take DS over there and pick him up, send him with the things he needs (nappies, clothes, wipes, pram, baby moniter etc. apparantly he shouldn't provide these as that's what he pays maintenance for - £100 a bloody month) without so much a thanks or a fuck you. He has never once been and collected DS, or asked to see him on any other day apart from that once per week. He will never text/phone during the week to see how he is/what he's been doing, or if he can come over and see him (he knows I would never say no unless DS busy).

AIBU to feel absolutely infuriated when he plays the doting Dad, and tries to dictate to me how I raise DS and give 'helpful' parenting advice, such as 'don't take him to the doctors he will pick up germs' (when I mentioned DS's eczema was getting worse, and taking him back to the doctors to see if he could maybe try a different treatment), and 'youve forgotten to send over his bath emollient silly'. Oh sorry I must have forgotten to pack that whilst I was busy packing the other things DS needs because your sorry arse can't be bothered to provide them

I would never say this to him, because I cannot be bothered with the inevitable argument but by the life he fucks me off.

[ollieplimsoles]

Well done for getting out of there op he sounds like a douchbag and still sounds a bit controlling of you through your ds with his comments about your parenting.

Yanbu!

[Reignbeau]

Why are you still letting him bully you into sending nappies etc? Don't send them and he'll have to get his lazy arse to a shop to buy them.

[Ohbollocksandballs]

plimsoles he's a knob I know. It's the him acting like he gives a shit that irritates me.

reign because I'd rather known that DS has what he needs for his sake, because I'm not confident that he would go and buy them if I didn't send them. And it wouldn't be worth the arguments.

[QuiteLikely5]

It sounds like you are afraid of upsetting him.

I would insist at the least nappies and wipes are provided by him.

Also he can drop him back himself.

[Rosieliveson]

It does seem like he is still trying to have some control over you. Demanding you send supplies, leaving you wondering if he'll call DS, making you do all the driving etc. Could you gradually ease this? Perhaps send a big pack of nappies then leave him to replace them when they run low, same with bath stuff and creams etc. You could even send a weekend worth of clothes to stay there. It would save you washing and packing every week.

[Fatmomma99]

maybe could you develop car trouble sometime soon?

[ThinkIveBeenHacked]

Honestly you need to get this sorted asap. Send a text or email
"As of X date, DS will come to you in the clothes he is wearing. As his other parent, you are expected to provide for him whilst he is in your care. Drop offs and pick ups are now shared. I shall leave the carseat with you when I drop DS so you have a safe way to bring him home, until you are able to buy and have one fitted in your car".

Stand firm!

And if he messages for you to colect DS early simply reply that you are busy until five. He needs to learn how to settle DS himself.

[Ohbollocksandballs]

quite I do worry about upsetting him. I dislike DS being over there as it is, never mind when we are at loggerheads. He wouldn't have DS if I didn't drop him/pick him up, he doesn't drive, and he wouldn't get public transport/arrange something.

rosie I don't wonder if he will call, he never does. Even when DS has been ill he won't enquire how he is. It baffles me how someone could not enquire about their child for an entire week.

momma I was thinking car troubles just to see the reaction.

[RandomMess]

Yep time to stand up to him. It sounds like his only interest in seeing DS is to continue to dictate to you and control you.

He moved away therefore it is his responsibility to collect and return him as well as provide for his needs whilst in his care.

If he takes you to court what's the worse that can happen???? Very unlikely you will be ordered to do the travelling and provide for your DS needs.

[VivienScott]

The reason child maintenance is paid depending on m how many days a week each parent has the child is to take into account that when child is with each parent, each parent is responsible for buying the stuff the child needs for when it's there. The main parent IS NOT responsible for providing everything only what is needed when the child is in their care, otherwise it makes a mockery of payment based on days at each home.
Have had this argument plenty of times with my ex who refuses to buy boring stuff like school uniform, saying I should send them to his with spare clothes, whilst also spending a fortune on designer clothes for them. School shirts far too expensive for him to buy but a Ralph Lauren polo shirt is fine .

[VivienScott]

Should say HE buys expensive designer stuff not me!

[Ohbollocksandballs]

The problem with him doing pick ups and drop offs is that he won't. And if he does, he will never pick up/drop off on time.

[RandomMess]

So are you going to continue to let this man control you for the rest of your DS childhood another 16 years of so???

If he won't pick up then that shows you how little interest he has in your DS doesn't it?

[Ohbollocksandballs]

random you're right but I don't want to give him any possible ammo against me, to use to poison DS against me when he's older.

He's the type of person that twists everything to make himself look like a victim.

[RandomMess]

He will do that regardless...

In fact you are giving him weekly contact with zero effort so that he has that time to poison him!

I'm really sorry but I'm afraid that does sound like the truth of the matter reading between the lines of what you have written.

[dickiedavisthunderthighs]

This is horrid and I can understand why you are afraid of rocking the boat because this is exactly what he's drummed into you all these years.
Hand the burden to someone else and take advice on how you can deal with this more formally. You should not have to drive 80 miles on his contact weekends, this should be shared. Your DS should have everything he needs at your ex's already. He should be actually parenting.
He's putting all the burden onto you because he knows he can. A short sharp letter from a legal will show him you're not a doormat and will not stand for this.
Don't worry about him poisoning your son against you; kids get the measure of someone very quickly and what your ex hasn't quite factored is that soon enough your son will be old enough to see how little his dad does for him and how much you do.

[RandomMess]

The driving is not something that should be shared!!! It is the absent parents responsibility entirely. He has moved away the op has sole responsibility 6 full days per week...

[Ohbollocksandballs]

You're right about him wanting the control over the situation. However with the drop offs, if he did them, which I know he won't. I know that I could not rely on him sticking to a time.

I struggle with anxiety very badly (it started when I met him, coincidentally) and he knows this, and he knows the triggers, particularly where it involves DS and he uses it to his advantage.

I'm guessing that IANBU in being annoyed

[TheFormidableMrsC]

What a peach he sounds! Do not provide him with anything at all! What a nerve! If he hasn't got it, he's going to have to go and get it isn't he? I have recently started to provide my DS with a packed lunch after I discovered he had been fed McD's for lunch and dinner over several days. Apparently I must have "less difficulty" feeding DS than the twunt does. As far as I am concerned, that is a health and welfare issue. However, as for anything else, he can stick it. He doesn't pay me anywhere near enough maintenance to justify that. It really makes my blood boil. Tell him where to go OP

[VixxFace]

I would send him over with nothing. He's responsible for nappies etc whilst he has him.

[Mygardenistoobig]

I agree with others. Send a legal letter telling him to provide nappies, wipes etc whilst in his care.

He should also do one of the pick ups. I understand this is difficult.

You do need to stop letting him dictate to you what happens. Either he wants to see his child or he doesn't.

Perhaps this is the issue here. Do you feel deep down that if your ex has to put any effort at all into caring for his child then he won't bother?

[RandomMess]

Thing is your anxiety would be far less if he just f*cked off out of yours and DS lives. TBH with abusive ex's like that it could actually be in your Ds' best interests sadly.

He is continuing to abuse you by using the triggers to your advantage.

It does sound like he will continue to play games and abuse you, he will teach your ds to not respect you.

[Ohbollocksandballs]

random I agree, my life would be a lot easier if he'd fuck off. And so would DS's. He is only 16 months old but he's already seen far too much.

He has put no effort in, but to be perfectly honest he would either tell everyone I have stopped him seeing DS and play the victim. Or, he would see him occasionally, because he loves to play the doting father and have his friends tell him what a great dad he is for taking a few pictures of his child.

[RandomMess]

Does is it matter if he plays the victim? Would your family and friends really believe him/care????? Do you care, what is more important DS or false accusations?

Let him play the occasional doting day - he'll just be like and "uncle" figure which is fine IMHO

Please stop facilitating this man abusing you. Your DS will not be scarred for life by having very limited contact with a Disney Dad seeing him more regularly would actually probably be worse tbh.

[VelvetRose]

I agree with all of the respondents, he sounds very irresponsible and annoying. You are in a difficult position of not wanting to leave your DS without things he actually needs. I'd definitely put my foot down about the transport at the very least though.