To want my ddad to back off a bit

[Justbuggeroff]

I need to know if iabu thinking this way. I've NC incase I out myself.

Dd who is 3 has a neurological disorder and it will never get better, she has recently needed glasses full time and an inhaler as and when needed.
Ddad adores dd more so than any of the other dgc which is a totally different thread.

So today my dm calls and out of the blue asks why I am giving dd the inhaler for longer than the Dr said I should I was and said no the Dr said to give it UP to 4 times a day, she then says its ddad that's asked because he doesn't like the thought of me hooking her up to a machine? (It's a little face mask that the inhaler goes into so she gets the dose) when she doesn't need it?

I was confused and said it wasn't a machine it's just an applicator of sorts and that I hadn't even given it to her lately as she hasn't needed it (the inhaler is a reliever).

I find I've just come to my point of being annoyed into anger and hurt and possibly a bit offended. Dd is a sickly dc, she's always got something, she's got d & v at the moment which I took her to a & e for yesterday. Apparently that's my fault as I let them run around naked all the time? only before a bath Ffs.

Ddad has said I'm forcing her to wear glasses when she obviously doesn't need them! She went to an eye hospital who said she needed glasses, then her consultant said she needs glasses then a separate opticians prescribed her glasses to wear full time so I don't know how he has come to that idea.

Anyway tonight after my dm saying about the inhaler I got upset and said "yes your right I'm intentionally giving dd medication she obviously doesn't need, I begged the optician for glasses for her, seriously mum I'm doing the best I can with dd and I don't need dad constantly saying I'm a crap mother " dm just changed the subject and we carried on with other conversation.

I then had a cry to DH as I feel guilt enough as it about dd condition and I don't need someone who I love and trust basically saying I'm doing a shit job and forcing mess on her.

AIBU to feel like this?

[LazyLouLou]

Nope.

Gird your loins and keep on saying it. Your mum may yet be your best ally, but if not then that last bit "I really do not need you/dad constantly saying I am a crap mother"...

I did like the first half, but would you have the time/energy to memorise a very long list?

YANBU YANBU YANBU YANBU YANBU YANBU YANBU YANBU YANBU YANBU YANBU YANBU YANBU YANBU YANBU YANBU YANBU YANBU YANBU YANBU YANBU

But your dad is! And your mum needs to think before she acts as his messenger!

Chin up, chest out. You are the mum, a good mum, your dds only and bestest mum

[Soduthen116]

No they are wrong.

You need to sit down with them and your dh and explain to them all about her various conditions. Tell them you follow medical advice as you love your dd and you don't appreciate being criticised.

Tell them if they keep this up it will mean they have less access to dd as they will be confusing and upsetting her too with these remarks.

Time to put them straight and stop this crap now op.

Tell them they should be supporting you not causing you more stress.

[LazyLouLou]

Or, having re-read your post

YABU YABU YABU YABU YABU YABU YABU YABU YABU YABU YABU YABU YABU YABU YABU YABU YABU YABU YABU YABU YABU YABU YABU YABU to feel that way.

And your parents are also U for making you feel it!

[alwaysabattle]

Yanbu at all. I'm so sorry for you and you dd I hope you can get him to back off sounds like you have enough pressure as it is. Maybe just keep the information you tell them limited regarding medication etc

[Nydj]

YANBU, sadly, it's not uncommon for members of the extended family who struggle to accept that there may be anything 'wrong' with a child with special needs and therefore imply or even out and out say that there is nothing wrong with the child and it is all the parent's fault. Sorry, I don't have anything to say to fix the problem but you are not alone, if that is any small comfort.

[momtothree]

Nothing like a kick when your down..

[Justbuggeroff]

Thank you everyone, I don't feel so upset now and thinking maybe it's me who is BU.

dd condition is noticeable as it affects her appearance, but shock horror that's my fault too I guess. I asked my dsis if I did say 4 days only for the inhaler and she's said what I said up to 4 times a day. Dh was there when the 3 different eye Drs and optician said she needed glasses so I couldn't of made that up!

Ddad said I probaly walked into the chemist and just brought the inhaler over the counter [shocked]! that was before the conversation today. When dd is ill ddad is round everyday anyway and tells me to get away from her, leave her alone, stop touching her all the time that's why she's always sick! I don't badger her all the time but when she's sick I obviously cuddle her more etc.

She's missed quite a lot of pre school days due to sickness and I'm just keeping her off for attention apparently.

I'm getting so annoyed with ddad, I know he loves dd and feels more protective of her and she adores him too but I'm getting hurt now and it's not fair.

Dsis has argued with ddad about the fact he favours dd and treats the others differently which he says he doesn't, he plainly does and the kids don't notice now but they will when they are older.

I just feel exhausted tonight, I've been up with dd for 5 days with d & v and I've got my little business to run as well as a household and ds. I'm tired and disn't need his shit tonight, rant over.

[Justbuggeroff]

Just to add that dd has had other tests in regards to her sickness etc and its simply she has low immunity.

[momtothree]

Please stop justifying everything! These are facts and we believe you!!! Get out of that habit, you owe no one an explanation.

[Goldmandra]

I think you do need to tell him that he needs to either support you and your parenting decisions or back off and stop spending so much time around her.

It's hard enough having a child with additional needs and making all the horrible decisions you have to make, you don't need someone making it harder.

[LazyLouLou]

Vent away on here. We'll probably offer up some not very useful advice - that will hopefully raise a smile.

At heart we will all be trying to help you tell your dad where your boundaries are. Yours, not his.

I suspect your dad is overwhelmed by your dds illness. You could stop divulging details but you may get more from asking your GP to explain, in detail, to your dad exactly what the current interventions are for. Might your GP be open to this idea? I am sure they'd have met overbearing grandparents before.

[Anydrinkwilldo]

I feel for you, YADNBU. My DM is like this to a certain extent (I had an aibu about her a few weeks ago) where she had a 'reason' for everything ds1 had he had an asthma attack, it was because I didn't wash his bed clothes every other day. Recently we had to go for suspected appendicitis, turns out it was faecal impaction but DM had a 'reason' and she was off to the chemist to get something made up in her head or god only knows for him as the doctor doesn't know what she's talking about (she put him on movicol). I've stopped telling her certain things as she will dwell on them and Google etc and get such random results that she'll end up ringing me 5 times a day to tell mem I only tell her what's relevant to him if she's minding him at that moment. I think you need to stand your ground with your dad - you know what is best for your DD. Don't doubt yourself at all you sound like you're doing the best job you can.

[MagentaVitus]

Please stop justifying everything! These are facts and we believe you!!! Get out of that habit, you owe no one an explanation.

Agree! We believe you! Why would you make it up?!

You're going to have to be harsh but firm with your parents. I like the idea of sitting them down and explaining everything in full. Then, if nothing improves you have to tell your Dad to stay away for a while until he can act in DD's best interests and support you.

[Justbuggeroff]

My parents come round every day after work and at weekends to see the gc which is fine by my dsis and I we live on the same street so reducing contact would hurt my ds and dd as they love seeing them everyday.

Dd is under a neurologist she was discharged from 6 monthly checkups a few days ago which was excellent our gp had never ever heard of dd condition before as its very rare and knows nothing about it. So taking my ddad there would be useless as I'm sure he would tell the Dr he is wrong .

I'm going to sit down with parents and dh and have a proper chat about it as I'm tired :( I feel guilt about dd and if I could take it away I would in a heartbeat, I feel guilt that I mc a few times before I fell pregnant with ds and again before dd and maybe that was a sign to stop trying and then when I did fall pregnant I made her and she's disabled. It's something that will never improve unless she has surgery in a few years and even then there is only a 20 % chance it will mildly improve.

I'm feeling sorry for myself tonight I think.

[Justbuggeroff]

I feel like I have to jusitfy it because I'm basically being told I'm making this stuff up iyswim.

I feel like I have to justify to myself all the time that I'm not overbearing and persuading Drs about stuff, it's all in my head I know but your debated on something so much and then you question yourself.

[CrapBag]

I was also about to tell you to stop justifying yourself to us. You are doing NOTHING wrong but following the advice and diagnosis of medical professionals who knows ow what they are talking about.

I suggest you actually print that out and staple it to your dad's head! Maybe not, but you could put it to him that way, then tell him that he isn't to criticise you again or refer to any of your dds conditions in a critical way if this close relationship between you all is going to survive. I'd seriously be reducing the amount that he is around if he won't understand and abide by those rules.

[ChasedByBees]

Your dad is being extremely unhelpful telling you to get away from your child when you're trying to help her.

Did he really say you bought her inhaler over the counter? Is he accusing you of lying, Munchhausen (can't spell) or both?!

This is going to be terrible if your child hears this when older and starts to believe it or doubt you. You're doubting yourself and you know the truth!

You need to really be harsh with him and get him to support you or he needs to stay away. He should not get to make your life harder by undermining you.

[Justbuggeroff]

It did say that about the inhaler, in a joke way but with a seriously underlying tone.

He makes me feel like a munchausen by proxy tbf, even though it's glaringly obvious I'm not ifswim.

[LadyCuntingtonThe3rd]

I wouldn't even tell my parents about anything after the first "smartass" episode. I'd be saying "none of your business" a lot. In fact, the only people who have the right to decide on your DD's treatment are you and your DH. So every time your dad says something again, ignore.
Unfortunately grandparents are often very sceptical about anything that has to do with health. They believe that GP doesn't know anything and everything HCPs say is just made up.
Anyway, you can try and talk to them and if they continue the same way, just cut their time with DD, otherwise they might tell her that mummy is making her ill.

[BettyCatKitten]

Perhaps your dad can't come to terms with dd's disability. To minimise is a way to protect him from thinking of the long term.
Yanbu, as you say, you need to talk to them and give them some facts, putting emphasis on how important it is for you to feel supported.
I hope things improve for you

[Justbuggeroff]

Thank you everyone

[Icimoi]

Seriously, next time dd has a check up take your father with you. I'm sure that if he tries to tell a neurologist that there's nothing wrong with dd, the doctor will be able to put him right. Same with the optician.

[Soduthen116]

What does your dh think of it all?

I think your dad can't actually cope with the fact that your dd has special needs and so is blanking them by blaming you.

This needs nipping in the bud op as it's ah ready getting out of hand.

You say dd loves him and that's great but he's doing her no favours long term by upsetting her mother.

Do the talk. Be very firm, you and your dh.

You sound lovely. If my parents popped into my house every day I would kill either myself or them.

[Justbuggeroff]

dh doesn't think ddad is being fair but unless I ask him to say something he will most likely keep out of it.

I don't like questioning my ddad I have a huge amount of respect for him and I would usually go along with him just to keep the peace but he is hurting my feelings now.

I know he loves dd and feels protective of her but insinuating I'm making it up, overbearing etc is not helping me or dd.

She's not due a Dr app soon apart from a pre op assessment for an operation coming up but next time she has someone I'll take him along :/

[momtothree]

Just re-read - does mom always tell u what dad says or does dad say things to your face?? Maybe its mom that needs to keep it too herself?? Or dad to speak to you?