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MIL sticking her fucking nose into my business yet again!!

(49 Posts)
Inlawsandoutlaws Thu 07-May-15 13:30:47

Up at MILs having some dinner which is something I usually just endure for DD's sake. SIL,MIL, DD and myself alone eating our dinners. SIL gets onto the subject of her friend who doesn't speak to her mum and saying that she thought it was sad that said friend's DD didn't know who her GM was.

This is pretty relevant to me and I knew that I would end up being dragged into the equation no matter how quiet I kept.
My mum and dad split 8 years ago when I was 14. My dad never got over it and I endured the next 4 or so years of him threatening to kill my mum, ringing up drunk and telling me he was going to kill himself, I came back from the shops once and he had slit his wrist, I went above and beyond the duties of any child aged 14-17! He eventually got a new GF who seemed nice at first but then, when she got pregnant with my half brother, decided she didn't like me and didn't want me staying at my DAD's house anymore in her own words "I'm not playing mother to you and if you think you're going to see your brother you can think again, it's not going to happen." Instead of standing up to her and telling her where to go he just buried his head in the sand. I on the other hand fought to see my dad, they turned my whole family against me and it is only now that they can see what a cow bag and piece of work she is. They have all apologised and we are building bridges.

He didn't turn up to my DD's 1st birthday party even though we saw his car go past the house because there was someone there who his GF didn't like. Can I also point out that my lovely mum decided not to come to the party to give my dad the opportunity to turn up because she knew that he wouldn't if he knew she was there.

I've had him ringing me threatening to throw petrol bombs through my windows when he knows that my DD is in the house,threatening to come round, telling me that he has an axe and he feels as bough he wants to kill someone. He's still with his toxic GF and they drink themselves into a stupor. My poor nan has to endure drunken phone calls from him on a regular basis.
My DB is nearly 5 and still isn't in school. He's an alcoholic, threatening and has a violent temper.

Anyway the inevitable happened I spoke up and said that SIL's DF must have good reasons to go NC with her own mother and MIL butted in "just like you and your dad! You only get one dad" to which I told her that he had blown it with me and I wouldnt care if I never saw him again.
She then went on to mention that I should think myself lucky that I have a dad as DP (her son) has never had a dad as he died before he was born. I might just point out that MILs DH was 40 years older than herself and was 76 when DP was conceived and 77 when he died.

The funny thing is that MIL hates my mum and has only ever bad mouthed her (I've stuck up for her of course) I get the feeling that if I ever went NC with my mum, who has helped me out no end over the past few years and is probably the most lovely, selfless person I know, then MIL would be supportive of this, in fact she would even encourage it!

I just needed to offload and rant, I know he's my dad but he was dragging me down to his level, I've been on and off anti depressants, been for endless counselling sessions and have anger management issues due to all of the crap he's put me through and then my stupid MIL makes a fucking dumb arse comment about something she knows fuck all about and tries to make me feel guilty!!!! Well fuck you you old CUNT!!

ollieplimsoles Thu 07-May-15 13:38:27

read the whole thing! Oh my goodness you have seriously been through a lot,

I'm really sorry about everything that has happened and its nice to hear you are building bridges. My own parents split up and My dad and I are very different people, so our relationship is difficult at times. My MIL dragged it into conversation one day when she was talking about how many marriages break down and that the government should 'do more' to 'force' couples to stay together (extra hand- outs and such) I told her it goes beyond money and government bribes, and if my dad had stayed with us I would have grown up very unhappy indeed.

Sometimes people just like to air their views without considering that fact that they know absolutely fucking nothing about what they are talking about.

Ohfourfoxache Thu 07-May-15 13:38:35

<offers wine> (it's never too early)

I'm not surprised you need to rant - I would too.

Have you tried keeping your head down/ passing no comment etc when they say something stupid? This is something I'm only just learning to do (after 15 shitty years) - last time I saw my cunts-in-law I played dumb and let DH answer all questions.

sparechange Thu 07-May-15 13:43:02

You poor thing.
You sound remarkably restrained after everything you've been through. If someone made a comment like that about me being NC with my mother, they would get more than a polite summation of the facts.
I hope that while you are being polite you her face, you are actually screaming Well fuck you you old CUNT in your head. I know I would be
flowers

Inlawsandoutlaws Thu 07-May-15 13:50:08

I just wanted to cry!! Why can't she keep her fucking mouth shut? She knows fuck all, yes it's a shame that DD won't get to know her GD but it would be shame if she ended up as messed up as I've been in he past.
She just had no right to say those things, DP himself understands and respects my wishes not to speak to him and has never once used his own situation in comparison to mine so how bloody dare she!

Does she not think that I feel GUILTY everyday for going NC but o. The other hand know that for my own sanity and the desire to do what's right for my family that I had to!?

Ohfourfoxache Thu 07-May-15 13:51:55

She can't keep it shut because she's thick and nosey and judgemental thanks

Inlawsandoutlaws Thu 07-May-15 13:54:41

She an absolute vile old bastard whose had control over every one and everything since her DH died, and I bet he had a right fucking life with her. All I can say is that DP must get his lovely nature from his dad although they didn't meet because there's no way he got it off that old crusty cunt

AuntyMag10 Thu 07-May-15 14:21:46

Yanbu, fgs she needs to keep her stupid comments to herself. Who is she to tell you what relationship you should have with him. What did your dh say? Maybe he needs to take her there for a bit on his own.

ImperialBlether Thu 07-May-15 14:27:20

I would knock those lunches on the head. You're outnumbered, there, aren't you?

I also wouldn't have any time for someone who hated my mum, given she's as lovely as you say. How dare she?

I would have been tempted to say something about "Did you really think he'd be alive long, given he was 40 years older?" I mean, you can't exactly marry someone that much older and expect them to live as long as you. That's just ridiculous.

I would avoid, avoid, avoid, in your position. If you want your daughter to see her grandmother, then her dad can take her.

Bodyinpyjamas10 Thu 07-May-15 14:28:05

Sounds horrific op.

I have my dils back as much as I have my kids back.

She should have yours just like your mum.

Some people are sadly just stupid and cruel.

flowers you should be proud of yourself.

CatSwag Thu 07-May-15 14:28:48

Wow she sounds so rude and nasty
Sorry you went through that hell but your doing amazing
Don't let that old fucker put you down

Inlawsandoutlaws Thu 07-May-15 14:35:07

This is what I mean, she's telling me that I should think myself lucky that I have a dad as DP has never had one but it was always going to be inevitable that the time they had together was limited because he was nearing his eighties and had heart problems, so by proxy she is quite responsible for the fact that her youngest son never met his dad.

I haven't told DP yet, but he'll probably be just as mad as me

MrsGentlyBenevolent Thu 07-May-15 14:38:56

I'm nc with both parents. Both were abusive cocks. I'm pregnant with my first child, and yes, it's sad the kid is missing out on a part of their family. However, it is with damn good reason, if anyone questions me I just give them a hard stare and say 'some people don't deserve to have children, and those people certainly don't get to enjoy grandchildren if they have messed up so badly. They are a privilege, not a right'.

If in-laws give the whole 'you only have one dad' crap, just say there are plenty of killers, rapists and abusers out there who can breed, doesn't make them entitled to love from their children.

geekymommy Thu 07-May-15 14:42:26

What is WRONG with people who don't understand why you wouldn't want contact with someone who threatens to throw petrol bombs into your house? I don't think that's a particularly difficult concept to understand.

Tequilashotsfor1 Thu 07-May-15 14:43:37

I'd would have told them to fuck off.

I've been NC with my mother for 15 because of shit like that. It's not an easy thing to do but some people are just so fucking thick they just don't get it.

Dont endure contact with mil for dds sake. Arsehole parents make arsehole grandparents. You can as an adult choose not to be around anybody that makes you feel shit.

I would keep contact with them both to a bare minimum.

Inlawsandoutlaws Thu 07-May-15 14:45:37

benevolent thank you for that! You sound as though you've been through a shitty time too but with both parents.

As parenthood is impending you'll feel that need to protect your child as I do, you won't want her going through the devastation that you had to go through. MIL doesn't even know my dad! I suspect the only reason that she sticks up for him is because she dislikes my mum so much, I think she's probably quite jealous of how much involvement my mum has with DD.

Inlawsandoutlaws Thu 07-May-15 14:48:31

DP told me he had a pretty shit childhood, they weren't encouraged to bath regularly, the house had no heating and they used to be covered in bites from all of the fleas in the mattress. As he puts it, he was dragged up as opposed to brought up.

Trooperslane Thu 07-May-15 14:49:51

What about reminding her he's had countless opportunities to be your 'only one Dad' and he's fucked up each one dramatically. Ask her what she would do.

You sound very sorted op. X

MrsGentlyBenevolent Thu 07-May-15 14:53:52

In-laws, it wasn't all bad, my own grandparents were awesome people, as well as a few lovely aunts and uncles. I'm lucky to be able to recognise when to walk away from the toxicity in my life, and my child won't have to deal with a couple of assholes from the off!

I'm sorry your mil is being like this, some parents feel so entitled purely because they gave life, or some people had such lovely relationships with they own parents, they cannot see how others could suffer with their own families. It's ignorance, but they have no right to hurt you over it.

CheeseandGherkins Thu 07-May-15 14:54:27

Firstly I would call the police and report him for threatening you and harrassment, I couldn't have contact with any man that treated me that way.

Secondly, am I right in thinking your brother is only 4?! Who looks after him when his mother and father are drunk in a stupor? If he is that age then I would also report them to social services.

I would cut all contact with them!

Inlawsandoutlaws Thu 07-May-15 15:00:05

cheeseandgherkins I have done both of them things and haven't heard from him in a while. They are both nasty, evil, toxic people and I think MIL deserves to be tarred with the same brush. She was asking me for proof that he was an alcoholic so I told her that the 7 empty bottles of gin and fuck knows how many empty bottles of wine and cans of carling is proof enough for me

Tequilashotsfor1 Thu 07-May-15 15:07:26

She asked you for proof? shock

Your dd will not be missing out on anything. My dd1 20 this year isn't bothered about my grandmother (my mother) as she has buckets of love of me. Don't feel,bad about that.

Stay clear of mil.

TaliZorahVasNormandy Thu 07-May-15 15:16:57

The thing is OP, you dont have a Dad do you?

You have a contributor to your DNA. I dont see any fatherly acts from him at all. Just a violent, abusive, alcoholic thug.

I really feel your DB, he has no chance does he?

Inlawsandoutlaws Thu 07-May-15 15:20:39

No I don't have a dad at all. I honestly don't know how DB will get on in life! The last time I saw him, almost a year ago, his speech was still very delayed

pluCaChange Thu 07-May-15 15:26:19

She's winding you up so you will feel obliged to diss your father, and then she can gloat about your family. No need tomention either your father or mother: perhaps just say, "Yes, MIL, you're really lucky to see so much ofDD. Don't make it unpleasant for her by constantly being so negative..."

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