to feel like I'm losing my children to my husband's hobby

(48 Posts)
tutorproof Sun 03-May-15 12:10:19

My husband has a hobby which he is very passionate about. It is all consuming. From magazines, TV, how he spends his weekends, conversation. Everything.

He's always been like this and I've been fine and actually found it quite endearing.

He also sees his Dad and brothers regularly who share this passion.

We have 2 sons who are 10 and 8 and they have also been sucked in.

On the one hand it's lovely that they have something in common and spend so much time together but on the other, I feel pushed out.

I don't want to spend my weekends doing this but if I don't, I never see them!

I also feel like my interests, and the opportunity for me to pass those onto my children is also being pushed out.

One of my BIL is encouraging son1 to take it more seriously, which we can't because we can't afford it and I don't want to devote the time.

Quite frankly I'd rather he got his homework done then went out on his bike.

How do I get things back on an even keel without everyone calling me a spoilsport.

However endearing.

tutorproof Sun 03-May-15 12:26:43

When the boys were younger DH used to go off without them, which was fine although they were hard work.

Now they are older and easier, I increasingly get left on my own or have to go along to something I hate.

26Point2Miles Sun 03-May-15 12:31:04

You hate it?? What is it?

And what interests of your own were you hoping to 'pass onto' your dc?

Fauxlivia Sun 03-May-15 12:32:27

I think your dh is being quite selfish and you need to assert yourself a bit more. Tell him you want yo spend either Saturday or Sunday with him and the kids persuing your interests. Your h needs to recognise that his hobby is not endlessly fascinating to you and that you are actually being very nice to him in allowing it to consume so much family time and he should not take you for granted.

As for BIL - not his kids and not his business. His opinion should have no bearing on what you decide to do with family time.

If you don't speak up and assert yourself then no one will know how you feel.

CrystalCove Sun 03-May-15 12:32:46

I'm very curious what it is now!

LoveWA Sun 03-May-15 12:34:35

Does your husband and boys know you're feeling left out? Maybe sit them all down for a chat and see if they will include you more. But if your husband is doing this hobby his whole life, and you've not questioned it yet, you might have a battle on your hands.

PlanningMyFuture Sun 03-May-15 12:35:00

Your children should have a bit of balance. As children me and a sibling were pretty much forced down a particular hobby route. Sibling hated it, it had no positive effect on their life and wished they had been allowed to do other things. Let them experience other things and they will gravitate to what they enjoy, that's important I think.

LoveWA Sun 03-May-15 12:35:30

Golf, it has to be golf.

googoodolly Sun 03-May-15 12:35:57

I think it's lovely that their dad is spending time with them doing what they all enjoy, but it shouldn't take up the whole weekend. I would say half a day for his hobby of choice, half a day for yours (or one day each on alternate weekends) and then one day together as a family. Would your DH be open to that kind of compromise?

StillStayingClassySanDiego Sun 03-May-15 12:36:33

Is it motocross?

toffeeapplejam Sun 03-May-15 12:36:56

YANBU.

I think my own mum felt like this and I feel for you.

I agree a compromise is needed here.

toffeeapplejam Sun 03-May-15 12:37:21

It doesn't matter what it is - I think if she'd wanted us to know she'd have included that information.

ToodlesMcToodles Sun 03-May-15 12:42:01

It sounds like there's some conversations needed to be had between you and your DH to make some compromises. Time set aside to do family inclusive things and then time when they can pursue their interest and you figure out what you want to do instead or how to feel happy being involved.

Golf or cycling?

bronya Sun 03-May-15 12:42:22

Could you join in? There is a saying (that my DH used to quote to me re my hobby lol) if you can't beat them, join them). He enjoys my hobby now. In fact he is outside doing it today while I am at home with the children!

bronya Sun 03-May-15 12:42:44

Oops bracket errors!

AgentProvocateur Sun 03-May-15 12:43:30

Look on it as time to follow/make your own hobby. You don't have to be on your own or go to something you hate - see your friends, or go hillwalking or whatever YOU enjoy doing.

iseenodust Sun 03-May-15 12:45:15

We have a bit of this with football except DH doesn't even play anymore. DS age10 invited to a friend's party next weekend & DH is saying but it's football match. I'm saying DS should go have fun with his friends not sit on his backside eating wine gums with the old men.

I think you need to talk to your DH about how your DSs are still young and need time to try various activities to find their preferences. I would also point out that if you are continually sidelined that's not much model of a good marriage.

Duckdeamon Sun 03-May-15 12:48:12

But OP would like to do things with her H and DC too!

Suggest you discuss with your H and find ways you can spend time with the DC or altogether doing something else.

Has your H always spent time with the DC outside the hobby or is it a case that if they want time with their father they have to do his hobby? The latter is shit parenting IMO. And could be why the DC are showing an interest.

In the meantime if you don't enjoy the activity, don't go.

SnotQueen Sun 03-May-15 12:48:16

They can't do the same thing all weekend every weekend. That's too much for anything, even if they love it.

You need to tell DH how you feel. Maybe suggest some things to do that you're more interested in. Or even some middle ground family related activity to do together so it's not always hobby hobby hobby!

Mrsjayy Sun 03-May-15 12:55:06

Something that consumes your life so much isnt a hobby imo a hobby should be an interest which fits into your life iyswim so this hobby your husbands family have imo is selfish it outweighs your family time it is more important than anything else dont think i would like that either yanbu.

Mrsjayy Sun 03-May-15 12:58:29

Btw Leaving you with your sons when they were little was inconsiderate he was just waiting till the boys were old enough to join him I don't think thats endearing at all

Jackieharris Sun 03-May-15 12:59:26

Football most likely.

Have a third and hope it's a girl?

ltk Sun 03-May-15 13:02:58

What would you all enjoy doing together? What would you like to do with the boys if you had one day each weekend to do it? And having everyone cook a big breakfast together and then go for a leisurely walk somewhere is an okay answer. It does not have to be an organised hobby that you do with them. You can just hang out and play a board game.

UniS Sun 03-May-15 13:03:31

Roll with it or be grumpy, your choice. As the children get older they develop their own interests. If its the same hobby as one or other parent, great. It could be something totally different.

I'm guessing cricket.

RJnomore Sun 03-May-15 13:08:50

Em Jackie my two girls are avid football fans and one plays too. How stereotypical can you be?

Op I do sympathise. The actual hobby doesn't matter, it could be boxing or ballet. Can you find something to do with the boys you all enjoy one day if the weekend and split it like that?

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