To think that people are NOT always trying to offend you

[Ifyourawizardwhydouwearglasses]

Well? I'm not sure if it's a mumsnet thing but there have been loads of threads lately about people being totally up in arms about what I thought were just normal questions.
The following are all questions I've been asked and that I thought people ask to be friendly and make conversation -

In pregnancy -
'Do you know if it's a girl or boy?'

'How far along are you?'

'How are you feeling?'

With small baby -
'Does he/she sleep well?'

'She/he's so cute! Look at those chubby little legs!'

'Who do you think he/she looks like?'

'When do you think you'll be starting solids?'

'When are you thinking of weaning off boob?'

With toddler -
'Do you think you'll have any more?'

'Is he/she going to nursery?'

Etc.

Some people are just trying to be nice and make conversation. Aren't they!??

[stripedtortoise]

I totally agree.

[Nolim]

Yes

[slightlyworriednc]

Agree. You're not meant to ask questions at all, ever, according to some on here.

[hiddenhome]

Oh, this lot always have liked being touchy and frothy

It's natural to chat about what people are doing with their babies.

[SaucyJack]

Amen sista.

How would toddler groups have got this far without banal questions about your child's/family's development.

[MrsItsNoworNotatAll]

Quite agree.

[slightlyworriednc]

I've never met anyone in real life who has objected to being asked 'are you hoping for a girl or boy?' Or 'do you think you will have any more?' But on here it's heresy!

[HarlotOTara]

I think I have used all those when talking to people, apart from boob weaning and having another. It is usually as I am trying to be friendly and interested in them and pregnancy, baby etc. Now thinking there might be loads of offended parents who are pissed off with me asking. God it is a minefield

[Ifyourawizardwhydouwearglasses]

Me too Tara! I'm always chatting to people about their babies and them come on here and start to worry that I've just offended everyone!

[Minshu]

But how can being asked if you are having more children not be upsetting to someone who has just miscarried? Are you totally heartless?

[ShadowSpiral]

YANBU, usually the person asking is just trying to make conversation.

Having said that, some of the questions are pretty personal - for instance, I'm unlikely to give random acquaintances honest answers to questions like "would you rather have a boy or a girl?" Or "are you planning more babies?" But I'd generally put that down to thoughtlesness rather than an attempt to offend.

And then of course you get questions that are meant well but just hit a nerve. Like when one of DH's colleagues asked when my baby was due. I wasn't pregnant. Just fat. But she had badly misinterpreted DH saying to someone that he had something to tell them and she was genuinely trying to be friendly.

[QTPie]

Because some people are "vulnerable" emotionally and seem to take everything as criticism? I know someone like that.

Those with good self esteem, who aren't bothered by other people's opinions, don't tend to worry about questions like that, take offence or get defensive.

[LadyLuck10]

Yanbu, in reality people are not this uptight at all. Only on here do you hear this ridiculous offensive 'crimes'.

[WD41]

Completely agree OP

[JassyRadlett]

God, these threads are getting quite boring. Do OPs read the threads they are posting about before rehashing the same old tired issues, or are they just hoping for a different answer?

Like you, OP, I don't go looking to offend people. But if someone points out why a comment might be upsetting to someone, I'll try to use my wits enough to come up with something else.

[Ifyourawizardwhydouwearglasses]

But how can being asked if you are having more children not be upsetting to someone who has just miscarried? Are you totally heartless?

Erm, no I'm not, thanks.

If I knew someone had just miscarried then of course you wouldn't ask questions like that.
But friends with toddlers, asking if they're planning on having any more....is that really offensive?? People asked me all the time, I just thought they were chatting!

[mommy2ash]

I think the funniest ones are where people get offended on behalf of someone else how does that even work. some people just love to be offended

[QTPie]

Lady, I disagree. I know someone (admittedly currently with depression, but even at her brightest times she takes everything to heart, no matter how innocently said) who can turn a casual/innocent question into personal criticism and victimisation. Not me or caused by me I hasten to add!

Some people are just not "confident".

[paxtecum]

I had no idea some people were so uptight and so easily offended before I found Mumsnet.

[AwfulBeryl]

I find this thread offensive, you bunch o cunts you.
I dunno, I think some of the pregnancy stuff might be the hormones. Is that offensive ? Or misogynistic ?
I got sick to death of making the same old polite chit chat all the time, it was always the same old questions too, do you know what you're having ? What do you think you're having ? Have you got any names ? Then that person would go off and the next one would appear with the same set of questions.
I am a Cantankerous cunt though, pleasant people would probably like it.

[JassyRadlett]

Minshu, it's the people who go on about how nice it would be for DS to have a sibling and ignore all my polite attempts to steer the conversation elsewhere I particularly enjoy.

Perhaps they'd prefer it if, in the name of making conversation, I blasted 'I'M FUCKING TRYING ALL RIGHT?' in their faces. Wouldn't be looking to upset them, mind. Just continuing the conversation.

[JapaneseMargaret]

I agree with you and have asked all the questions (save the boob weaning one ), but real life is different from forums.

In real life, people play by the social rules and don't say what they really think. On anonymous forums, people are able to speak as freely as they like, and they will tell you in no uncertain terms exactly why what you've said has offended them.

[QTPie]

I was asked today (by mum on play date) whether I planned any more children (only got DS almost 5). Explained that we had been trying for 3 years (incl 2 cycles of IVF and explained one MC). No offence taken whatsoever - talking honestly about these things gets people closer (both of her children are IVF). I am what I am.

[JassyRadlett]

Honest question - I'm not British. People on these threads often talking about offensive/offending when it seems to me the emotion is more often 'people find [x comment] upsetting' or 'uncomfortable'. T

[DoJo]

But how can being asked if you are having more children not be upsetting to someone who has just miscarried?

I don't think anyone's said that nobody should ever be upset if one of these questions is asked, but to assume that someone intended to upset you just by asking such as question seems needlessly negative.

I have been in several of the situations outlined on this thread, but I knew that the people asking weren't being deliberately hurtful. I think that's the point the OP is making - some of the questions might come at the wrong time or possibly be ill-judged, but it's sad to think that a small-talk comment aimed at establishing a rapport or showing concern for someone could be interpreted as a malicious attempt to offend or upset anyone.