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To be getting this stressed over losing weight?

(39 Posts)
SlicedAndDiced Mon 12-Jan-15 09:40:50

I feel a bit of backstory is in order here so as not to drip feed.

I've had 7 miscarriages. I have a bicornulate uterus with a septum that isn't worth operating on apparently. My sixth loss, in August this year, was particularly awful (premature labour and pph after losing our son just a few weeks under being classed as a stillbirth, and having to cope with him being referred to as a miscarriage)

Now I was a bigger woman at the time (5ft7 16stone) and ever since August I have absolutely hated myself. I've never told anyone what I overheard a nurse say but it's been whirling around in my head constantly ever since.

I went to the ward toilet. I had one in my room but it wasn't flushing properly. And I overheard two of the nurses talking about me. One said she felt sorry for the couple (us) having so many miscarriages. And the other said 'it would probably help if she wasn't such a big girl'

I felt like someone had punched me in the stomach. I went back in to the room with my partner but didn't say a word. I felt/ feel so ashamed of myself, I can't get it out of my head that if I wasn't such a pig my babies might have lived.

For months I tried to skip meals, I lost a few pounds but still was eating unhealthily. The last straw was when I had my seventh miscarriage in December. I joined slimming world a few days before Christmas.

It's great, I feel healthy and I'm certainly eating better. I even exercise now! The first week I lost 7 pounds and the second week I lost 6 pounds. I was starting not to hate myself and feel happy again.

This week I've only lost one.

All the feelings have come rushing back. I feel like a failure, sick. I'm not stupid, I know it can't be half a stone a week realistically. It's making me want to skip meals/ days again and I know that's not right. So why do I feel like this?

SolomanDaisy Mon 12-Jan-15 09:46:19

You didn't have seven miscarriages because you are overweight, the nurse was wrong and mean. But you know that. Your feelings about losing weight are now so tied up with your feelings about your losses that you are really invested in the weight loss. I think it also feels like something you should be able to control when you can't control your fertility (I have been there). Have you had any counselling?

SlicedAndDiced Mon 12-Jan-15 09:51:41

No counselling Solomon, when I went to gp he insisted I try anti-d's first. I didn't want to.

I know it was more likely that my womb had more to do with the miscarriages than my weight. But however many times I tell myself that I can't shake the nagging voice saying that my weight made it worse, which it can.

It's just made me more determined to lose the weight, but it was hoping that self hatred would disappear along with it.

hellsbellsmelons Mon 12-Jan-15 09:55:38

So you are still losing.
The recommended amount to lose is 1-2lbs per week.
That's the best way to lose it and keep it off.
Stop beating yourself up about this (easier said than done I know)
I had a MC many years ago and can't imagine what you must be going through having to go through it 7 times!
Slow and steady wins the race.
And.. slow progress is better than no progress.
As long as the numbers are going in the right direction then you're doing just fine.
As PP said, are you having counselling? You've been through so much and this could help you.

hellsbellsmelons Mon 12-Jan-15 09:56:58

Wow - so GPs think that tablets are better than counselling!?
I'm shocked.
Go back and tell the GP you want to be referred for counselling.
Don't leave without a referral.

OvertiredandConfused Mon 12-Jan-15 09:58:40

I completely understand how you feel - I'd be the same.

I'm a SW veteran - went from 15st 6lbs to 12st 3lbs (size 20 to a size 12) 3 years ago. I've kept most of it off but am currently 10lbs over and so back on SW to get back to target. My reason for sharing is to show that I know the diet pretty well.

There will be weekly variations and you may well settle at 1-2lbs most weeks with the odd 4lbs off and the occasional gain. There are natural weight fluctuations of up to 3lbs for most women at various points in your cycle. As you get to know your own body cycle (in relation to weight) better, you'll learn to predict and accept these fluctuations more easily. It will help if you view progress on a monthly basis even though you weigh weekly and (I hope) stay to group for the support.

Please don't blame yourself for your miscarriages and do not be ashamed. Taking control of your weight is a great thing to be doing and you should be very proud of yourself. Being an optimal weight minimises risks but doesn't prevent things happening nor does being overweight cause it.

If it would help, have a chat with a doctor who knows you and your history rather than an out of context remark from a well-meaning nurse. But most of all, enjoy taking control and be kind to yourself and be realistic about how it will go. I lost most of my weight in the first five months - and I bet you will too!

Good luck

SlicedAndDiced Mon 12-Jan-15 09:59:42

I could try a different gp I suppose. The man I see is quite...urm....well he's a hard arse really. He said if I wasn't willing to take the antidepressants then I wasn't ready to help myself, so counselling would be useless.

Thanks Hells. I know logically that that's true. It's just my feelings when I looked at the scales and it was 'only' a one pound loss took me aback somewhat.

SlicedAndDiced Mon 12-Jan-15 10:03:23

That's wonderful overtired! Well done! smile

I know, I will get over these feelings eventually I suppose. I like your idea of thinking of it monthly. That would be much better.

I'm currently weighing myself around three times a day. I know I shouldn't and it's a stupid thing to do, I almost find myself doing it without thinking.

MrsGoslingWannabe Mon 12-Jan-15 10:07:38

I thinly its brilliant that you've lost weight especially over Christmas! I also don't think what the nurse said was that bad. I was expecting to read something far nastier tbh. You've acknowledged that your weight may play a part in the
miscarriages and are doing something about which is what matters. How old are you?

hellsbellsmelons Mon 12-Jan-15 10:09:57

This is 1lb of body fat. You need perspective to see just how much is coming off.
I'm also a SW convert. It's great. Very little weighing and no pointing!

SlicedAndDiced Mon 12-Jan-15 10:09:58

I just turned 28 MrsGosling.

I know what she said wasn't terribly awful. It was just the timing I think (I had literally just handed ds over to the nurse, we had him in the room for a while) and that I already felt guilt over my weight which had spiralled out of control after the first few miscarriages.

SlicedAndDiced Mon 12-Jan-15 10:11:51

Wow Hellsbells!

Thank you that picture is brilliant! Gross but brilliant. grin

Really puts that in perspective.

OvertiredandConfused Mon 12-Jan-15 10:12:28

Try not to weigh at home if you can. I suggest you do it immediately before or after group weigh-in if you must so you see how your scales compare. But it's hard to keep motivation if you'd at the whim of every natural fluctuation.

Why not get a pedometer (or Fitbit) if you want to have some numbers to check? It's a more positive action and the number of steps does impact on weight loss - plus with the Fitbit app you can also plot weight and see a graph of your weight loss!

SlicedAndDiced Mon 12-Jan-15 10:14:28

Fit bit?

I'm going to google that!

Yes I think I might get rid of the scales.

ArcheryAnnie Mon 12-Jan-15 10:16:15

First of all thanks thanks, and I am so sorry for your losses.

It's an obvious thing to say, but: thin women have miscarriages, too. I think the nurse was completely, totally, utterly out of order to make any kind of snap diagnosis based on no specialist knowledge of your case at all. I presume you have talked over your miscarriages with your doctors, and they are the ones to listen to, not some bored, judgemental nurse gossiping on a slow shift.

On the weight loss thing - oh, I hear you. Thing is, weight loss does vary week to week, even when you have done all the "right" things. It also tends to slow down as you get thinner - it's easier to shift a lot, quicker, than it is to lose the same amount later on in the weight loss programme.

Whatever your weight, it isn't the same as your worth. Be kind to yourself, OP thanks

hellsbellsmelons Mon 12-Jan-15 10:16:15

Absolutely - any time you think I've ONLY lost 1lb.
That is what's gone from your body.

This is a great little poem as well:-

ONLY A POUND

Hello, do you know me?
If you don’t you should.
I’m a pound of fat, and I’m the happiest pound of fat that you would ever want to meet.

Want to know why?
It’s because no one ever wants to lose me.
I’m only one pound, just a pound.

Everyone wants to lose three pounds, five pounds or fifteen pounds.
but never only one, so I just stick around and happily keep you fat.
Then I add to myself ever so slyly, that you never seem to notice it,
that is until I’ve grown to ten, twenty or even more pounds in weight.

Yes it’s fun being only one pound of fat, left to do as I please.
So when you weigh in, keep right on saying “oh, I only lost one pound” ( as if it was such a terrible thing!)
For you see, if you do this you’ll encourage others to keep me around because they will think I’m not worth losing.
And I love being around you, around your arms, your legs, your chin, your hips and every part of you.
Happy days!!! After all, I’m only one pound of fat!!!

crumblebumblebee Mon 12-Jan-15 10:16:18

Sliced You have done fantastically well on Slimming World and I really hope you recognise that this is a great achievement. smile Weight loss will naturally slow down after two huge losses. Losing 1-2 lbs per week is healthiest but also, research shows that people tend to sustain the weight loss.

You are not to blame for your sad losses and I am sorry for your pain and sadness. flowers I find it shocking and disgusting that those nurses made those comments. It's obviously affected you deeply. I hope that you can work through your pain and see that you are a wonderful human being who deserves to be happy and healthy.

ladymariner Mon 12-Jan-15 10:19:03

No advice on miscarriages, but my heart goes out to you, your pain is evident on your post. Your GP is an arse, go back and insist on a referral, or better still, go back to a different GP and insist on a referral. Counselling was one of the best things I ever did, getting on for 15 years ago now, the advice she gave me I still follow today.

As for SW, I am a major fan. I do the weighing-in at my class, and having been (and still am, although not as much!) a 'big girl' I can say it does work, and the health benefits are immense. 1-2lbs a week is fantastic, that's the recommended weight loss, you should be really proud of yourself. If I've read your post correctly, you've lost a stone in three weeks!!!! You superstar. Next time you're shopping, try and pick up 28 packs of butter....think you may find it difficult....bit that's what you have lost already.

Really hoping things work out for you xxx

Wellwellwell3holesintheground Mon 12-Jan-15 10:19:34

Throw away your scales. It is a huge relief.

SlicedAndDiced Mon 12-Jan-15 10:19:41

Thank you all, it means a lot, it really does.

Who needs therapy, I feel a lot more positive already!

Love the poem grin

Got to run out now, time for a (red and sweating) jog

FinallyHere Mon 12-Jan-15 10:20:46

So sorry to hear that you are going through this, i wish you all the best. Im sure everyone wants to help, and so ill post the link that helped me.

You might find the eatingless.com site helpful: one of the things it made clear to me was the difference between what you can control, and what you can't. So, you can control what you are eating, much better than you can control what you weigh at any given time. Easting well, and ,yes, eating less, will help you feel better in lots of different ways. It can really help boost your self esteem, to know that you are doing all you can for your health.

Hope you find what works for you, and all the very best, xx

SlicedAndDiced Mon 12-Jan-15 10:21:06

Sudden urge to pick up 28 packs of butter! smile

Right I'll stop putting if the exercise now ha

ladymariner Mon 12-Jan-15 10:27:13

Go on, I dare you to try....grin xxxx

HolyTerror Mon 12-Jan-15 10:44:17

I'm so sorry for your losses, Sliced. No wonder your sense of your own body weight is so thoroughly bound up in your mind with your ability to carry a baby. I think it was outrageous for the nurse to make an unfounded snap diagnosis like that.

I know less than nothing about bicornate uteruses (though I have a friend with one), but for what it's worth, I was five six and fifteen stone ten pounds when I had my son - and I conceived him the first month, and had a completely straightforward pregnancy, ending in an ELCS for reasons unrelated to my weight. I'm now four stone lighter and still losing weight, but please don't let an unqualified person's snap judgement make you feel your losses were somehow your fault for not being thinner.

There will be weeks ahead when, despite eating and exercising in a very disciplined way, you won't lose a pound, even - your period may actually make you gain weight. You need to work on not letting that spin you into 'all or nothing' panic and self-loathing, tough though that is.

Very best wishes for the weight loss and future pregnancies.

Bumbiscuits Tue 13-Jan-15 09:39:00

Slicedanddiced, I came on to post a picture of 1 lb of fat, but have been beaten to it. Glad the PPs have made you feel better already. I suppose after such amazing results the first coupe of weeks, 1 lb is an anti-climax. Think of the tens of thousands of people doing their weigh in who have gained or stayed the same who would love to be able to say they've lost a pound this week.

I'm sorry about your losses. The nurse was out of order. In my experience, some nurses have a habit of talking out of their arse. It was unfortunate you were within earshot.

*I'd like to add that many, many more nurses are fabulous.

I got a fitbit for Xmas and started using it at the weekend, I love it already.

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