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Stepmum - tutoring - this AIBU has everything except sporn

(35 Posts)
Riseoftheflarelovers Fri 09-Jan-15 10:04:04

Briefly, ex DH and I had parents evening this week and DS is struggling in maths (very weak and not very confident).

During parents evening we discussed with DS what we could do and decided on some private tuition, just an hr a week and his teacher was very happy with this and happy to provide a note of where he is struggling in particular to the tutor.

I've been googling and contacted some local tutors. As we are in a major 11+ area a few of them are fully booked and one came back at £40ph!

Ex text last night to see if i had made any progress. I told him what I had found and then suggested that perhaps DS step mum (who is a KS2 teacher and runs the maths club at her school) could possibly do it.

Ex text back 'sorry but no'. hmm

I replied and said oh ok is she too busy etc, if its a case of money I don't mind paying. He replied 'no she doesn't want to, you'll have to find someone else'

AIBU to think WTF?! Isn't this the only benefit of having extra adults in a childs life, the added experience and support for the kids? Not just no sorry she doesn't want to? OR Is this like when parents post and say AIBU for thinking the DC's grandparents should look after them for free all the time and everyone piles in to say cop on to yourself!

DH has a skill which would cost £££ to teach the kids in a class but he has willingly taught them and does it with them because he is their stepdad and why wouldn't he?

There are no issues between DS and her and they get on fine.

TenMinutesEarly Fri 09-Jan-15 10:06:22

Maybe she doesn't want to blur the lines of their relationship?

Fwiw I think she should help but if she won't there's nothing you can do about it.

SIMPLESAM Fri 09-Jan-15 10:09:08

I understand not wanting to come home from work than do more work but yes I do think it's a bit odd.

Notnaice Fri 09-Jan-15 10:09:08

Maybe because they get on fine , she doesn't want to jeopardise their relationship. Teaching reluctant kids when you have a close relationship doesn't always work out. I know it's a nightmare with my own dcs.

Or she's being completely unreasonable. She should willingly help if she could. I suspect there might be some of the above in it though.

DancingDays Fri 09-Jan-15 10:10:29

Lots of teachers specifically don't teach their own children because the personal relationship doesn't mix well with teaching. I would imagine she feels the same way with her SDC. It would be opening a can of worms.

You only want her to do it because of cost, shes thinking of the practical implications.

Idontseeanysontarans Fri 09-Jan-15 10:10:31

Did he actually ask her do you think?
Can you phone her and ask if she knows anyone who could tutor, that way you can find out if she even knows about this and possibly find a tutor in one go.

tabulahrasa Fri 09-Jan-15 10:10:32

When I used a tutor for DS, I got someone I trained with instead of doing it myself because it's a completely different relationship and I didn't think it would work with me trying to tutor him.

OrangesJuicyOranges Fri 09-Jan-15 10:12:21

I'm a teacher and there is no way I'd teach a member of my own family or child of a close friend. Parents can be pushy and unreasonable at the best of times but if there is a risk of a friendship going awry I really wouldn't take it. She's quite right, and within her rights to say no and I'm pretty sure several months down the line you'd be really regretting it if she'd taken this on. Find someone else.

Finola1step Fri 09-Jan-15 10:14:28

I'm with Oranges on this one.

ApocalypseThen Fri 09-Jan-15 10:14:47

I think you have to be very sure you can handle a commitment like that before you take it on. If she's not sure, it's much better she says no now.

Also, there's the question of what the fallout might be if your don fails to progress as hoped with her tutoring. I'd say the relationships are finely balanced enough without adding that stress and resentment to the mix.

Riseoftheflarelovers Fri 09-Jan-15 10:18:11

AH ok, completely hadn't thought of that aspect. In addition we don't really communicate with each other (no reasons, just there is no need). Perhaps she was worried that by tutoring DS I would expect updates and progress and communication?

shock I am BU!

Bilberry Fri 09-Jan-15 10:21:31

I do think it is a good idea to ask the step mum if she knows anyone who could do it though. She may well have some contacts who could help or perhaps knows a good student who would charge less. Don't ask her about herself though, even if your ex had't asked her you have to accept that that is a no.

MadamG Fri 09-Jan-15 10:23:40

As a step mum my relationship with my step children is something I treasure beyond anything but my marriage. I wouldn't jeopardise that by tutoring one of them though - it could be difficult. We have a good relationship and I e been in their lives for years, but I am under no illusions that it just become fragile or difficult very easily. Being a step mum is bloody tough and often we get the blame for stuff that's really not our fault even when only trying to do simple things for all the right reasons.

ReallyTired Fri 09-Jan-15 10:23:46

I think that the step mum is being completely reasonable to refuse to tutor her stepchild. Its a potential recipe for disaster. Rather than berate her, you could ask if she knows anyone else who might be interested.

wigglesrock Fri 09-Jan-15 10:38:40

I'm considering a tutor for my eldest (she'll be doing transfer tests later this year) I've a few family members who are teachers, I wouldn't ask them and I wouldn't want a blurring of lines so to speak. My kids see them as aunts/uncles who mess about with them, take them to the pictures, feed them sweets, I think it would be difficult to adjust to a more teaching aspect of a relationship for some of the time they see each other. A lot of parents in my daughters class are looking at tutors, none of them are asking relatives who are teachers.

editthis Fri 09-Jan-15 12:06:11

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

upthewolves Fri 09-Jan-15 12:17:50

Hi OP, I live in Australia but charge around the equivalent on £40 for the hour session. I travel to the kids homes though so when you factor in my planning time and travel time I'm actually doing quite a bit more than an hour and paying for fuel etc. I used to teach ks2 full time in UK and would never have had time for private tuition in the evenings so it may be she is just too busy.

Good luck with the tutoring, it can make a huge difference in terms of confidence.

ChocLover2015 Fri 09-Jan-15 12:42:07

If you don't think there's a problem with a parent/stepparent tutoring their DC ,Why not tutor him yourself?

MiaowTheCat Fri 09-Jan-15 12:46:21

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HadleyHemingway Fri 09-Jan-15 12:46:43

I'm a step mum. There's no way I'd agree to tutor DSD. Too many blurred boundaries/potential for the relationship to be damaged.

YABU smile

needaholidaynow Fri 09-Jan-15 12:55:41

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

myfallingstar Fri 09-Jan-15 13:01:05

Sorry op I toatlly agree this could end very badly for instance of you weren't happy witch what or how she teaches it would likey end In a row

And I think she is wise to stay well out

QuintlessShadows Fri 09-Jan-15 13:04:27

Erm, have you ever actually tried teach your child maths?

I have. I am quite good at maths. But I am paying that dreadful £40 ph for a tutor.

It is really difficult for the child to concentrate and focus on maths with a familiar person, it will end in tears. Yours and his.

Ineedacleaningfairy Fri 09-Jan-15 13:07:16

My mum is a teacher and she refused to give me extra lessons (bryond the usual parental help with homework) because she doesn't think that a parent/child relationship is a good basis for sitting down and doing tutoring.

I think especially as your dc is finding baths hard so it's possibly not going to be something he loves doing it would put strain on their relationship.

Good luck finding a solution!

Vycount Fri 09-Jan-15 13:09:57

Step mum is right. Apart from the way this could change her relationship with your child, as a teacher she's probably got enough work to do without adding another commitment.

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