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AIBU?

About SIL and DH birthday

45 replies

roalddahl · 06/01/2015 15:47

Today is DH's birthday. A 'significant' one.

I booked the day off work some time ago - he is a SAHD and I thought it would be nicer for him to have some adult company on his birthday.

SIL (DH's sister) works hard and lives 20 miles away. She is younger, single and doesn't have children. We see her perhaps twice or three times a year which to me seems very infrequent. She has never babysat our DS who is 3.5 - nor offered to.

We have no other relatives nearby who can do this - PILs are not able. My parents live some 100 miles away. DM is disabled and DF is her carer so while they can visit they can't stay at our house as unable to use bathroom etc.

On DH's birthday last year, SIL announced that afternoon she was coming to visit. I came home from work and cooked for us all, then cleared up and put DS to bed whilst she went out with DH to the pub. Didn't offer any other solution. Or ask what we'd like to do.

She came to visit this Christmas Eve and announced that she had arranged the day off work to take DH out on his birthday (today). I mentioned that I had also booked the day off. She said great, let's all go out together to the pub. I explained that we couldn't take DS to the pub. He has Autistic Spectrum Disorder so is even harder to take to the pub than many other 3 year olds. She said, ok then - let's go to the zoo. DH says no, I don't like the zoo. And to be fair, DS is hard work at the zoo too!

DH didn't say no outright to SIL about going out for the day. But he didn't confirm any plans either. DH was particularly reluctant to drive over to hers as he has to do this tomorrow night also as it is FIL birthday and SIL has gathered her friends (not FIL's friends) to take him out for a meal - and asked DH to go too. I of course can't go as someone needs to look after DS - though they know this is hard for me as I am pregnant with placenta previa and not supposed to be lifting - difficult to avoid when bathing and putting to bed a non verbal autistic 3 year old.

SIL also texted me to say don't get DH a cake, I have got one.

At short notice, my parents offered to drive the 100 miles to our house just for the evening, today, to babysit DS so DH and I could go out for a meal together. We'd really really appreciate this as we last went for a meal together last February - we have few babysitting possibilities and a particularly hard to look after DS.

And mutual friends of DH and I arranged to pop over at lunchtime to wish DH a happy birthday.

So DH has popped over to SIL's for a couple of hours this afternoon for a coffee. He doesn't want another pub lunch when he ate dinner out with a friend yesterday and is going for dinner with me tonight and SIL, FIL and friends tomorrow night.

I am a bit narked by my SIL - it feels like she has tried to take over DH's birthday with no consultation or consideration. We have tried to slot her in as best we can around some things we'd like to do.

But I have a nagging feeling IABU to be narked. It's not my birthday after all. AIBU?

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formerbabe · 06/01/2015 15:52

Yanbu...I think offering to sit at home with your son while you and your husband went for lunch would have been a nicer thing to do.

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19lottie82 · 06/01/2015 15:54

hmmmmm I do get while you feel a bit peeved but it is your DH's bday, and it is his sister. does he usually get to "go out", to the pub, or with friends? if no, then let it slide. it's not really fair to condem him for going out for a drink (or whatever) on his birthday, with his sister, just because you can't go too.

it also doesn't sound like SIL is really doing anything wrong, OK, maybe not being overly considerate, but as you said she doesn't have kids, so she prob doesn't appreciate your struggles. It just seems like she is trying to do something nice for her DB.

You said "WE have tried to slot her in as best WE can around some things WE'D like to do.", but are they really what you both want to do, or just you?

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WorraLiberty · 06/01/2015 15:55

Why would someone offer to babysit a difficult to look after child, that they hardly ever see?

Anyway, YANBU to be a bit narked but it's down to your DH to speak up I think.

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WipsGlitter · 06/01/2015 15:56

I'm a bit lost. How has she tried to take it over? She's got him a cake and is having coffee with him this afternoon. Your parents are babysitting so you can go out tonight.

Have I got that right?

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roalddahl · 06/01/2015 16:01

lottie - fair questions!

He gets to go out with friends far more often than me at the moment - around once a week - I'm shattered due to working full time whilst being pregnant so have been out with friends 3 times in the last 5 months.

And promise that they are things that we both wanted to to, I was worried about doing the same thing to him so asked a few times to check.

Perhaps he should have been more up front with SIL - perhaps just said 'great you can have DS while we go out'!

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roalddahl · 06/01/2015 16:04

Wips - yes, that's what has happened. But she wanted to take him to the pub all day and evening whilst I stayed in with DS - and worried each time I have to lift him down from the worktop etc.

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HedgehogsDontBite · 06/01/2015 16:07

Eh? She booked a day off work to spend with her brother on his birthday. You rejected her suggestion of what to do to celebrate, then rejected her second idea which addressed your issues with the first, spent lunchtime with your friends rather than her and are off out for a meal without her tonight. How is she taking over her brother's birthday?

It sounds to me like you're pissed off because she didn't use her day off to babysit for your child for you. A child who you say is difficult to look after and who she barely knows.

YABU

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19lottie82 · 06/01/2015 16:10

I don't think it's really fair that you are down on her for not offering to babysit, especially if its something she's never done before. Would your son even settle with her, if he isn't used to her?

I think if you feel anyone is BU then you need to speak to your DH, it then again it is his BD.

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WipsGlitter · 06/01/2015 16:10

Well, she might have tried but she failed.

She'll probably post any minute along the lines of "AIBU to take a day off for my brothers birthday make lots of suggestions for things to do that his wife rejected and now am only seeing for him for an hour for coffee. And I got him a cake. And he is going out for dinner tonight and I'm not invited. And his wife is being funny about him coming out for our dads dinner tomorrow"!!!!

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Vintagewellies · 06/01/2015 16:12

I think YABU. Your SIL suggested a visit to a pub or the zoo. Both were rejected (for good reason) and she was happy to settle for a coffee during the day, when your parents offered to babysit and let you have an evening out. It was also nice of her to buy the cake. Maybe she realised that with a job and a very time consuming toddler to look after, cake baking mightn't be top of your agenda.

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pictish · 06/01/2015 16:14

Hmm..I do see where you're coming from I suppose, but I still think yab a bit u. Your sil wants to spend time with her db on his bday, not be the babysitter so you can go out.

I can understand that the situation is aggravating, but your sil is not bu.

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roalddahl · 06/01/2015 16:14

I just thought it was a bit odd to announce that she would be carrying out an unsuitable plan with no consultation. Seems I am in the minority. I blame it on the hormones! I haven't said anything to her btw.

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expatinscotland · 06/01/2015 16:14

YABU, that became obvious at the she has never babysat or offered to.

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LadyLuck10 · 06/01/2015 16:14

Yabu why should she babysit when you know it's a bit difficult with your son anyway. Would he even settle down with her if she sees him so rarely.
I don't see how she took over your day?

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PuppyMonkey · 06/01/2015 16:17

You and DH should've just told her you'd booked the day off to go out together back when this all first came up and she suggested the 3 of you going out. "Sorry we've made plans." Or something.

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NeedABumChange · 06/01/2015 16:18

Sorry I think YABU. And you can't put that she has never offered to babysit as a negative. She might not feel able to properly look after your child as he has additional needs, I certainly wouldn't. As you say you see her rarely so it's not like she is taking up all you husbands time.

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roalddahl · 06/01/2015 16:20

And I guess I get a bit hung up on the babysitting as there's no one else who can. If she came to see him regularly then he would be ok to leave with her. She does this for their other sister who lives closer - but not for us.

DS does't go to childcare either (can't have his 15 hours yet as there aren't suitable resources for him) so we really really don't get out much just DH and I - just 5 times since he was born. I know that's not SIL's problem - but it would be so nice if she saw the problem and offered.

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PasstheDaimbars · 06/01/2015 16:20

No it's not your birthday, but then nor is it your SIL's. It sounds to me you're more miffed that she announces things and that's it, no discussion.

It sounds a little like she's an 'organiser' and as such picks things she wants to do (I do find the arranging dinner for your FIL with her friends a bit odd).

Maybe the Birthday Boy needs to say to his sister actually as much as I love spending time with you sis I'd really appreciate if you could babysit so Roal and I can have a little time together. Assuming that that is what he wants, or is he used to just falling in with her plans?


If she doesn't have children or friends with children she may not realise how hard it can be to find good babysitter that you trust.

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Stuffofawesome · 06/01/2015 16:20

I think people are failing to see just how rare and special and difficult to arrange quality time with dh is in your situation YANBU but probably needed to make clear to him ahead of time so could fend of sil with alternative s

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TidyDancer · 06/01/2015 16:22

Yes YABU. I think that this probably comes out of a resentment of not having had her offer to babysit. It's nice to have this support, but it's not anything that anyone should expect and therefore you shouldn't get shitty with anyone about it if they don't offer.

I feel a bit sorry for SIL here, she sounds likes she's tolerated rather than welcomed.

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LadyLuck10 · 06/01/2015 16:23

So your upset with her is over not offering to babysit? How difficult of you if this is the way you think. I wonder if she picks up on this and keeps her distance.

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roalddahl · 06/01/2015 16:24

Got to go - parents here early! But thanks all for the replies!

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roalddahl · 06/01/2015 16:25

Will try to be back later!

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expatinscotland · 06/01/2015 16:25

Of course she does it for her other sibling's children, she lives closer to them. Why on Earth is it her responsibility to come over more often and visit so she can babysit your child? She's not 'the only one who can', you've just decided she is and made it her fault she doesn't.

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HedgehogsDontBite · 06/01/2015 16:27

I think people are failing to see just how rare and special and difficult to arrange quality time with dh is in your situation

Nothing to do with 'failing to see', everything to do with just not agreeing with her. (I have a 2 year old and haven't had a night out with or without DH since before he was born.)

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