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To have no time for people who choose to be in pain when they needn't be?

(43 Posts)
IsChippyMintonExDirectory Fri 26-Dec-14 23:10:34

DH is booked to have a tooth extraction in the New Year. However since Christmas Eve the tooth has started to rot and he's been in agony.

I told him to go to the out of hours surgery and see the emergency dentist. However he won't - this is a common occurance, refusal to see a doctor/dentist when something is wrong. I think it's because he associates seeking help as a weakness and NOTHING is worse in DHs eyes than being weak. Think this is a result of an incredibly tough-love and unempathetic father and being in the Army for so long. He always says something like "I can cope with the pain/it's not bad enough to see a doctor" etc

Anyway he's still moaning about being in pain so I've given him 2 options -
1. Go and see the emergency dentist tonight
2. Stop complaining about it to me because I really have no time for people who choose to be in pain when pain relief and medical attention are easily available.

He sulked off hmm

AIBU and mean?

BlandandInsipid Fri 26-Dec-14 23:11:38

Nope. Totally agree with you.

SoonToBeMrsB Fri 26-Dec-14 23:14:56

I agree. My DP was in bed crying with a dental abscess but wouldn't phone the dentist because he dislikes needles. Surely a little jag is a fraction of the pain of an abscess?! confused

GokTwo Fri 26-Dec-14 23:15:13

I am the most patient nurturing person ever if someone is suffering but I cannot stand it when people won't get help! I agree! What more can you say?

TheArmadillo Fri 26-Dec-14 23:16:23


If something can be done about a bad situation, and you chose not to do it, then don't come moaning to me about it.

AgentZigzag Fri 26-Dec-14 23:16:39

When you say it's 'rotting' do you think actually infected at the minute, or is it always giving him this much jip?

If it is infected it's fucking painful and I couldn't help having sympathy for anyone who's going through it, but I kind of agree with you in that he must know he can't wait until whenever his appointment is to get it sorted, so why wait?? (and make you miserable too?)

Are you sure it's just because of the weakness thing? Is he actually scared to go do you think?

GokTwo Fri 26-Dec-14 23:16:48

Would it help if you told him he is not being wimpy. My tooth access was way worse than childbirth!

FoulsomeAndMaggotwise Fri 26-Dec-14 23:16:55

Yes I agree. And I extend that to ANY moaning. Either do something about it or shut up. (If you can't do anything about it then moan away, but you know what I mean)

thenightsky Fri 26-Dec-14 23:17:07

I get wound up by people who whine on about headaches or feeling feverish, but won't take a fecking paracetamol!

AgentZigzag Fri 26-Dec-14 23:18:45

If it's infected they'll only give him antibios won't they? They won't take the tooth out while it's all manky. The tablets will take 3 days to start working so he really ought to get the process started or it'll be fucking raging in a day or so.

thenightsky Fri 26-Dec-14 23:20:06

or people that you offer a couple of paracetamol to after listening to them moaning in pain, only for them to say... well I'll just take one coz I hate taking tablets!

So you are happy to take a sub-clinical dose that will do nothing for you? Take two or don't take any!

curlyclaz13 Fri 26-Dec-14 23:20:21

Yanbu. OH was moaning about terrible backache and needing to wee lots a couple of weekends ago (while ds and I were both being sick) told him to stfu or do something if it was that bad. He went to the walk in centre got painkillers and anti-biotics and felt better. He does like to moan about being ill quite often though. hmm

CalpolOnToast Fri 26-Dec-14 23:20:27

Yes! DH has a mouthful of ulcers but he's bone idle and would rather sit in the chair and moan than go to the pharmacy for anbesol before 6pm

VitalStollenFix Fri 26-Dec-14 23:21:05

Tell him that the weak thing is to do nothing and just whinge and moan.

Its funny that you say he sees getting help as weak when the reality is that avoiding doing what is necessary is weak.

Perhaps he needs to understand that.

And yes, im with you on it. Do something or do nothing, but do not refuse to solve a problem and expect tea and sympathy from me.

I find that to be weak, attention seeking behaviour tbh

RandomNPC Fri 26-Dec-14 23:22:23

He's being a bit of a martyr.

IsChippyMintonExDirectory Fri 26-Dec-14 23:22:23

agent yes definitely looks infected. I don't think he's scared of the dentist but scared of looking like a 'victim' to people around him.
And I agree with the poster who said an abscess is worse than childbirth. Having been through both Id much rather do the latter!

WhirlyTwirlySnowflakes Fri 26-Dec-14 23:22:25

I agree, those are the rules in my house: take action for the pain, symptoms (painkillers, heat pack, physio, doctors etc) and get lots of sympathy or shut up.

I pretty much work on the basis that if it's not painful enough to send you straight to the medicine cabinet then it's not painful enough to mention.

Ps would he take some oil of cloves?

lougle Fri 26-Dec-14 23:24:38

So he's had a harsh upbringing and then been completely conditioned to keep going no matter how much pain he's in? Did you see Marine Commando school on TV? A man was trying to march on a broken leg and ended up in a thigh-to work cast because he didn't want to fail a task.

YANBU to be irritated but a bit of compassion for the background would be really helpful.

AgentZigzag Fri 26-Dec-14 23:25:34

I'm not above doing a bit of DIY dentistry grin a clean needle to get the mank out and rubbing salt in it afterwards have saved me the nightmare of going to the dentist quite a few times.

And I take anything going at the first twinge of pain grin

AgentZigzag Fri 26-Dec-14 23:27:15

Oooh, I saw that lougle, unbelievable!

You can't underestimate the power your childhood/brainwashing in the army can have over your decision making process.

IsChippyMintonExDirectory Fri 26-Dec-14 23:32:38

whirly yes he's taken clove oil (house stinks now!) and also baking powder/Apple cider vinegar combo.

I agree about leaving it is the 'weak' thing to do but he doesn't see it that way. I honestly blame his dad - as a child DH once stepped on a rusty nail which went right through his foot. His dad refused to take him to hospital because it was 'a load of fuss about nothing'. tosser

Baaaaaaaaaaaa Fri 26-Dec-14 23:37:01


Fear is overwhelming.

Fear the dr/dentist more than the pain. It's enough to stop you seeking help.

Have compassion. Sometimes it's not because they won't, but because they can't.

WhirlyTwirlySnowflakes Fri 26-Dec-14 23:40:28

Your FIL sounds lovely.

Can you word it that it would make you feel better as you are worried about him? Then he's doing it for you -would that work?

DialMforMummy Fri 26-Dec-14 23:41:23

YANBU. I said the same to my DH last year regarding a toothache. He "could not" take the time off to see the dentist.
I ended up saying either you see someone or you sleep elsewhere tonight. Tough but that's the only thing that worked.

wannabestressfree Fri 26-Dec-14 23:45:55

Solpadine (I think) over the counter for tooth pain.

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