OK, it sounds harsh but my mum and dad split up when I was 4, and though I was closer to my dad, my brother and I had to stay with my mum (it was the early 80s, just the way it was).
She re-married when I was 6 (nice enough guy, my dad's best friend) and had a daughter. My mum and I did not get on (chalk and cheese and very much favoured my brother and sister) and when my dad remarried when I was 11, my brother and I chose to go and live with him.
While my dad was the absent parent, he made sure that he saw us WITHOUT FAIL every other weekend, even driving 4 hours with a broken arm one weekend. He called and constantly showed he cared.
When my mum was the absent parent, she didn't come to visit us once in the next 7 years. She called once every few months and occasionally sent emotionally abusive letters in which she'd state that her 'priest' (she's not remotely religious) told her that losing us was worse for her than if we'd died because we'd chosen to die'. I was 12.
As an adult we have sporadic contact, but every time we do she piles on the guilt and adds snide little digs constantly to everything she does. She's also incredibly tight with money and doesn't now 'do' presents for us and only minimal tokens for my kids, who she barely knows. Last time we went to visit for a few days I had to take sedatives to stop myself getting wound up by her. We offered to have them to stay last Christmas but she said that 'since your brother's not available over Christmas there's not really any point, is there?'
I would prefer to cut the toxic witch woman out of my life entirely as contact with her only upsets me and stresses me out. My DH insists that this is setting a bad example to our kids but I don't want them growing up seeing some woman be mean to their mum! Am I being unreasonable?
AIBU?
To consider cutting off my mother?
NikkiPlum · 12/12/2014 11:16
Reading your OP, I cannot really see why you would stay in touch. She brings absolutely nothing positive to your life and is pretty detrimental in several ways. You have the backing of your dh and you are absolutely right that your children shouldn't be exposed to this nastiness. I would I go NC and feel the guilt lift. 
agreed with mutters. Your DH is very wrong. The bad example would be showing your DC that people can get away with treating you as shit as they want and you just roll over and put up with it.
Cut my dad off last year. It's exactly how mutters put it. Occasionally you feel guilt pangs, you question whether you've done the right thing, possibly recall positive memories with them and start to wonder whether it was all that bad etc. Some people do the whole "OMG but if they die won't you regret it?" Thing. It's all about perspective. You have to remember all of the many negative reasons you're doing it for, exactly why you're extremely justified in doing it and realise how much more stress free you are since cutting them off.
You don't have to do a massively dramatic thing, just stop bothering to contact her and block her number. That's all I did really. Eventually he confronted me over it (via text of course because visiting was always a bit too much for him 
) so I explained my reasons and he did his typical passive aggressive "sorry you feel that way", that was all. He's attempted to make it up to me in the only way he knows how, with money. I've refused.
You're right, some people shouldn't become parents. It gets easier with time. You won't regret cutting her off, you will however regret putting up with her toxic bullshit and letting her drag you down. 
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Nikki, if he has a good relationship with his own family (like my DP) then it can be a bit unbelievable, as in, 'oh she can't be that bad'. In this case you have to do what's right for you and your DC (for their future) and cutting her off seems right. Mine are all teens and now know that Grandma can be a bit (lot) weird. They also know that if ever I get like that they've promised to fill me full of brandy then push me off a cliff 
Quadrophonic I'm so sorry, what a terrible time you had with your mother. I think if you scratch the surface on most families, people would be shocked at they'd find!
I will think about what you've said and thank you for sharing your experience.
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