to change the date for Christmas

[Toizzy]

please don't be too harsh if i am bu..

we always spend Christmas with my dp's family which means his parents, his brother and his brother's girlfriend but they always celebrate it on the evening of the 24th.

So we see them all early evening and have our Christmas meal until quite late and go to bed even later.The next day, dp's brother&girlfriend leave just after breakfast as they are off to her family for Christmas day.
Dp and I then spend the day with his parents just hanging around really.

So the thing is up until now that's been ok, it's made me a bit sad in the past because these Christmases are nothing like what I knew growing up but hey ho nevermind.But now we have a toddler and things are different for a couple of reasons.
First of all pil's house is a real problem.It is filthy and full of junk . For that reason I was going to invite them all round this year, I know that pil would be happy with that and it's much easier for us.
The second thing is that I would like to invite them round for Christmas lunch as I always had with my family.Part of it is purely emotional and part of it is thinking how much more practical it would be with ds and futur dc.
I want to do stockings for a start and leave out reindeer food and say "right off to bed so father Christmas can come!".
The problem is with dp's brother & girlfriend, obviously inviting everyone round on the 25th means they would have to chose where to go.
So this is my aibu, do you think it's ok for me to invite them round on the 25th knowing that either they won't come or they will but will miss Christmas day with her family? I told dp about how i felt a few weeks ago and he understood.
I should also add that every year we feel that we don't get to see dp's brother a lot anyway as they are here just for the evening and leave early the next day and then usually stay for a couple of days with her family.And then me and dp just end up being on our own with his parents which is a bit boring frankly!
I feel that until now they've had it quite easy since we've always been there for Christmas (instead of alternating with my family) and also that when they have children of their own arrangements will probably have to change anyway.

So do you think aibu? I really can't tell, this is really important to me and I've been hesitating about posting for weeks so again please be gentle and tell me nicely if I'm beeing horribly selfish!

[ClashCityRocker]

I don't think YABU, your traditions are just as important.

You're giving them the choice, and most couples have to choose whether they spend christmas with one set of parents or the other.

[OuchLegoHurts]

No you ANBU at all. I think you've been very accommodating so far but now you've got a child and you want to do Santa like everyone else so of course you get too choose your own family's way for celebrating with your child. Let them join you if they like but otherwise they should totally understand. Just explain that since you have Santa now you want to do it differently. And enjoy!

[angelohsodelight]

Is the Christmas Eve celebration a cultural thing or easier for pil and other family? RehTdless. You should srArt having xmas day on xmas day, YANBU or selfish at all. As you have a toddler I would change things now - Christmas is only magical for children for a few years.

[Mehitabel6]

Once we had children we stayed at home and people came to us- much simpler. YANBU- go ahead.

[suze28]

Reading your post struck me that as you now have a child of your own you should have the Christmas you want for your own family ie you, DC and DP.
Give the other family members the choice but they need to understand this is about you and your family.
YADNBU.

[dreamingofsun]

pre kids we always used to go to IL's. I wasn't wild about this but it was the easiest solution for most people. We did say that once we had kids we would have christmas at home and everyone else was welcome. this has worked well and i think is perfectly reasonable.

you need to do what is best for you, you husband and child. spend it at home, invite everyone else if thats what you want and then its up to them what they decide. maybe they will do different things each year....

give them lots of warning, though. tell them very soon so they can make plans. people like me with have done their online food order already

[TheSecretCervix]

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. You have your own family now and need to decide, as that family, what you'd like to do for Christmas.
In regards to his brother and GF I think that's something that naturally happens at Christmas as people grow up and get partners/married. They'll just need to choose for themselves too.

Another set of options would be:

1. Have two Christmas dinners one in the eve with all and then one on day with just PIL
   
2. Alternate each year what you do
   
   However you are perfectly reasonable to want a Christmas that works for your family unit.

[silyoj]

Definitely not being unreasonable. You've been very accommodating so far and now it's turn to try your own version of Christmas. You never know - they might all prefer it. It's happened in our family where my pil now open presents all together as we used to when I was little, rather than on their own when they woke up (I know!) and they seem to like it.

Good luck with it all.

[Blu]

YANBU at all! At the moment the Christmas man seems to hinge on the Christmas Dinner on Christmas Eve to enable BIL and gf to go to her parents on Christmas Day. That makes no sense now.

Get your DH to ask his brother if they are planning to go to the gf's as usual, and then invite his parents for Christmas Day. Maybe invite brother to call in for morning drink or late afternoon, if at all convenient.

But whatever happens it is more than reasonable to stay put in your own home and host the Christmas you want for your kids.

[bigbluestars]

Time to be a matriarch!

You have a child now and are a family. Set up your own christmas, your own traditions, dig in your heels. By all means invite your PIL and BIL around to join in your festivities, maybe spend some time at your PIL on christmas eve, exchange gifts with them, but come home to hang the stockings and do the main present opening on christmas morning.

You don't have to be a slave to someone else's christmas. Take the reins and steer your own christmas. Don't be a puppet.

It's your family, your child, your christmas.

[MarionHaste]

BIL and gf must have to eat two Christmas dinners. Suggest PILs change the menu on Christmas Eve. Then you go home after dinner and do your own thing and invite them to join you for dinner at yours on Christmas Day.

[waithorse]

YANBU and I'd put my foot down now before ds gets any older.

[TooMuchCantBreathe]

Yanbu, and you sound like you really care about the rest of your family too. The problem is that the fact your idea is totally reasonable doesn't mean that the others involved will be reasonable about it!

My advice would be to decide how you want to approach this and how you are going to react to any objections that come up. E.g. how would you feel about having a Christmas eve tradition yourself that bil can join in and still go to gf parents on Xmas morning? Maybe you could do a late buffet lunch, everyone gets a Christmas eve gift type thing (so they get to see their gifts received)? We do the pyjama thing on Christmas Eve so it could be a variation on that?

Of course you may not want to do all that - which is fine - so have yourself prepared so you're not railroaded into shelving your wishes to suit others.

[GhoulWithADragonTattoo]

Have Xmas at home on 25 and do fun Xmas Eve stuff with DC. Invite family members for lunch on 25. They can either accept or decline as they see fit. Most of all have fun with your immediate family :)

[mommy2ash]

can you not just invite them to a low key Christmas eve celebration and then have your own Christmas day celebration with the pils

[Icimoi]

We know too many people who spend their Christmases on the motorway driving between various relatives trying to keep them all happy, and they end up having a perfectly miserable time. When we started having children we therefore decided to make it the rule that, come what may, we would always spend Christmas in our own home and would do any visits before or after Christmas Day. It's always worked very well, as neither side of the family could complain that we were favouring the other, and we've had some great Christmases.

[sharon56bus]

The date of Jesus' birth cannot be placed with certainty. One must do a little historical detective work to sort out the biblical references. This is assisted by Luke who mentions certain personages whose history is known. First among these is Herod the Great, King of Judea. Luke 1:5 places the announcement of the birth of John the Baptist "…in the days of Herod, King of Judea." The best historical evidence places the death of Herod shortly after an eclipse occurring on the night of Sunday, March 12/13, 4 BCE. and the Passover of Wednesday, April 11, 4 BCE. This corresponds to the year 750 A.U. of the Roman Calendar. Jesus was therefore born prior to 4 BCE.

[Summerisle1]

I don't think you are being unreasonable. There comes a point when you shouldn't end up compromising so much that your own enjoyment of an event is lost. I'd invite your PIL and BIL and his GF for Christmas on the 25th December. It's up to the BIL and GF as to whether they accept the invitation. Either way, they aren't going to be going without Christmas, are they?

[littleleftie]

I don't understand - are your parents still alive OP? Are you NC with them? Why are you always at PILS for Christmas?

I would say you are going to start new traditions with DC and have Christmas in your own home. Invite them if you want them there but don't feel you have to. Most people I know spend Christmas day at home with just their nuclear immediate family, and visit extended family over the rest of the holidays, especially when you have a toddler it just makes sense.

[NormaStits]

You wouldn't be 'changing the date of Christmas', they've done that by celebratinga day early. You'd just be putting it back where it should be!

Have Christmas in your own home with your toddler and start your own family tradition.

[Monathevampire1]

New generation in a family means new traditions come along. Inviting someone doesn't mean they have to accept but they might actually welcome a change.

[Toizzy]

Thank you for your answers, I feel much better
It will definitely be an invitation on the 25th then.If dp's brother can't come then we will just have to arrange to see them before or after.
Thanks for the various suggestions, I'm going to think about them all and see.

I can't spend Christmas with my family for very difficult reasons and I also think that's why it's all so important to me.

Thanks again

[ThePinkOcelot]

YADNBU OP. Put Christmas back to where it should be.

[Patrickstarisabadbellend]

Yanbu. I have always had Christmas in my house with my dp and dcs. We love it that way.

It's up to you how you spend Christmas. I wouldn't change mine for any reason.

My inlaws celebrate Christmas Eve so they can randomly turn up at people's houses on the day. Uninvited of course