How do I explain this to DH...

[AlwaysDancing1234]

We have a young baby and I will need to return to work next year so looking at Childcare options.

DH thinks we should ask his (retired) parents to look after our DD
They are good people and clearly love their grandchildren but MIL in particular has very old fashioned ideas on childcare which are a lot different from mine. MIL health also not great.

MIL looked after our older child one day a week when he was a baby/toddler and basically ignored everything I said and did the opposite. It caused a lot of problems and I don't want to ruin the fairly good relationship we have by disagreeing over childcare.

AIBU to think it's a bad idea and how can I get through to DH what the issues could be as he just won't listen, just sees the PIL as cheap easy childcare. HELP!

[BobPatandIgglePiggle]

Just say "we should let them enjoy their retirement and save babysitting for when we go out. Here's a brochure for the nursery in town..."

[AlwaysDancing1234]

Thanks for your reply. I think part of the problem is nursery prices here are extortionate and we don't have a lot of money (hence me having to go back to work in the first place) so DH is seeing this as an answer to budget problems and wanting to please his DM rather than thinking it through properly

[cheifbrody]

Why dont you tell him the truth?

I tell my oh the truth ''no I am not going to visit them because i dont like them and it would spoil my day.....''

[Ledkr]

Could you use a cheaper playgroup type nursery and get mil just to collect dc so only have her for a couple of hours?

[diddl]

Would it be better to come at it from an angle of her health not being good?

Plus the benefits of your daughter spending time with peers?

I think that one day a week of things not being done your way (unless harmful!!) is maybe OK.

Full time, not so much.

Are her ideas really that bad though, or just different to yours?

[harverina]

You tell him the truth.

But it all depends on how much of an issue this is. I mean, nurseries, childminders etc will do things differently to you and just need to accept that wherever your dc are, it won't be like it is when they are with you.

Unless it's huge things that could impact their health/wellbeing?

[WooWooOwl]

Remind him of the problems it caused last time, and tell him you don't want to go back to that.

It might help if you do some work on budgeting yourself so you can present him with a solution to the problem he sees as the biggest one. You need to have a discussion, with both of you listening to the others concerns and addressing them.

[outtolunchagain]

Do they actually want to do it , it may be that they don't find the idea of regular child are very attractive either which would neatly get you around the problem

[AlwaysDancing1234]

Thanks all for the sensible advice.
I've been very blunt with DH but he's just ignored all my concerns and is now just refusing to discuss.

I know I probably sound precious about some things but many issues with DS really upset me
Such as MIL pushing me to wean off breastmilk at4 months as "he doesn't need it"
Pushing me to wean to solids early as DH "was statred on baby rice at 6 weeks and it didn't do him any harm" (he has chronic digestive issues actually)
Giving DS the wrong foods (when I always provided meals)
Ignoring my advice on getting him to sleep so it transpired he screamed for an hour plus and was left to 'cry it out' in the buggy
Ignoring us when I said DS wasn't ready for toilet training at 18 months

[vdbfamily]

Are you able to expand on what her 'old fashioned' ideas are. Personally I think if you have the option for your child to spend time with people who love him to bits and wont cost you,compared to him going to a daycare facility which costs a fortune and he is not loved in the same way...I know what I would choose. Unless your MIL's behaviour puts your child in danger I fail to see the problem. As someone else said,wherever your child ends up being cared for,they will not do things the same as you,AND you will be paying them for that! The bond between a child and their grandparents can be so special. Quality time together facilitates this.

[AlwaysDancing1234]

VDB I have put a few of the specific issues above. I do appreciate a childminder may not do things "my way" but they may at least be more up to date in their thinking with regard to weaning etc

I should have said in my OP that although I'm sure PIL would say yes if asked to have DD I wonder if it would just be out of sense of duty and they would moan about it being too much hard work behind our backs (which is exactly what they did when they looked after their other grandkids for a few days)

[hackmum]

OP, from your last post she sounds like a nightmare and a completely unsuitable person to be looking after a baby or small child. Let's put it this way: if she was a registered childminder, she'd fail her Ofsted inspection.

Don't know how you're going to persuade your DH, though - that's a whole other issue.

[AlwaysDancing1234]

Thanks hackmum
MIL is not a bad person, like I said she just has very old fashioned fixed views on childcare, she knows best.
She thinks a lot of my ideas are a bit "hippy earth mother" such as DD is still fully breastfed on demand at 4 months and I sometimes co sleep.
I know PIL adore our children I just think the relationship with us and me would suffer if we got them involved in full time childcare.

[outtolunchagain]

Actually I would give up on explaining, this is one of those MN situations where "no is a complete sentence " is good advice . She is your daughter , if you don't want her to be looked after by MIL and they do sound a bit past it for regular childcare they just don't do it .

[outtolunchagain]

In what world is being breast fed on demand at 4 months hippy , my ds1 is 21 and that was the norm then

[AlwaysDancing1234]

outtolunch that's not my opinion, it's what SIL and MIL seem to think! Had a lot of pressure with both children to put them on formula milk from very young. They seem to think DD wanting to feed more often than every 4 hours is evidence that she's a hungry baby and "needs" formula and solids. SIL is very much with the 'Gina Ford way' of parenting so I guess my go with the flow way of doing things is odd to them

[vdbfamily]

Cross post there! But if you are talking about next year,presumably the weaning issues will be long past. I think it can be very confusing when official advice changes so often.I had 3 kids in space of 3.5 years. DD1 was weaned at 4 months,DS2 they said wait til 5 months. DD2 they were advising you to get to 6m. That's just the variety of advice in 3 years! Our parents did not have the internet to research stuff either. We were all left to cry ourselves to sleep,often outsside in a big pram,whatever the weather to get plenty fresh air.Can't say it did any of us any harm.One of my 3 would never sleep without crying for at least 10 minutes.I knew the cry and that it meant she was about to have her nap but I could not stop the crying.
If she introduces your DS to a potty at 18m it will not do him any harm. I realise it is very early but at least he will know what a potty is. I recently visited our vicar who has 1 year old twins and she had them both sat on a potty. She had been reading some stuff about other cultures who potty train much earlier than we do. I guess you have to decide whether her actions are actually harmful or just different. I think MIL's and DIL's often have a bit of a power struggle over whose ideas are best and sometimes we just have to accept they are just different and not necessarily right or wrong.

[funchum8am]

Let him know you won't be going back to work unless childcare that you are happy with is arranged.

Childminders where I am are much cheaper than nursery (£45 per day rather than £65 when I looked about 2 months ago - outer London.)

[Charitybelle]

YANBU to be wary of starting a childcare arrangement with relatives that you know are not respectful of your wishes regarding your DC.
I had this a little with my DH who would have liked my mil to do some childcare, but luckily she has no inclination to do regular childcare anyway so it's fine.
When we have discussed it tho, I have to be v sensitive, remember it's his mother/father at the end of the day and you don't want to personally criticise them if you can help it. Doesn't sound like they're evil just annoying and a bit overbearing.
Stick to the facts. It doesn't sound like it went well with your older child so just say that you'd rather not mix the relationship and be obliged to them for childcare, reiterate the health issues and make it seem like you're worried about the in laws 'overdoing it'.
Research the costs/benefits of other local childcare so you're armed with all the info when he starts to argue how expensive it would be. Have you looked at childminders? Where we are they can work out a little cheaper than nurseries, especially when you add in all the admin fees/training days etc that nurseries charge for on top.
If all else fails just be honest with him. You'd like to maintain a good relationship with his family and don't think you can do that if you have them doing your childcare due to your vastly different views on things.

I don't agree that you should list out all the things they do on here that you disagree with. You'll just get a load of people piling in saying it doesn't matter what they do if it's free/cheap childcare. Which is bollocks, you don't abdicate all parental responsibility the minute you drop a child off with them, and what they do with your child whilst they look after them can have an impact on both you and your child's long term health/well being. It will turn into a debate about whether you're UR to disagree with her CC your child it not, or giving her sweets etc, which isn't what you've originally asked. It's not ours or their business what your rules are about your child, it's your child. Pay the necessary and get a professional who will respect that.

[AlwaysDancing1234]

vdb I appreciate her ideas not wrong, just want her to understand they are not right for my children if you see what I mean.
I think this discussion has just strengthened my resolve for saying no to MIL doing full time childcare as I think it would cause too many issues and bad feeling

[AlwaysDancing1234]

CharityBell you make a lot of good points. I Prefer childminder to nursery so will research more.
I didn't mean to turn it into a rant but someone asked for more specific examples.
I've tried being sensitive with DH and I'm very careful not to criticise his mother so I think I'll have to press the health issues and not wanting to wreck our good relationship

[diddl]

If they haven't offered then they maybe don't want to.

and if they used to moan about it before, then why would you ask them, other than in an emergency?

I think things are hard for young couples & often GPs do want to help out, but then before they know it they are tied to having young kids all day & feel that they can't get out of it!
(Not saying that that's the case here!)
And they keep on for fear that if they stop they'll hardly see the GCs at all.

Maybe as a pp said they could do a couple of pick ups?

[SnotandBothered]

The 'peers' argument is a strong and genuine one.

If you can find a childminder who has a couple of other children of a similar age to look after, it will be lovely for your DC and be a stepping stone towards nursery/school etc.

I think you should be honest with your DH up to a point - but also use any common sense/logic you can apply as well.

[DearGirl]

I nanny and the child often has a day with grandparents but this comes with its own issues however my bosses have cone to the conclusion that if the grandparents want to have a day then it means routine goes to pot,things get done differently and actually we now look at it as a day of fun for the grandparents and it isn't as regular as they wanted.

[Sprink]

Vdbfamily, as far as I'm concerned there is no "power struggle" between mothers and MiLs--the mother, unless doing actual harm to her children, decides what is right and what isn't.

MiL had her opportunity to do things her way. Fine. Now it is OP's turn. These are her children.

Fundamentally, the problem seems to be thatdespite repeated attempts to communicatethe MiL ignores OP's reasonable wishes for how her own children should be reared. I wouldn't put up with it.