AIBU and a bit PFB?

[imyourhuckleberry]

SIL popped over this weekend, and asked how I am finding life with DS (4 months) who is my first and much longed for baby. I said fine, learning to get to grips with juggling life and a baby, and its getting easier.

I mentioned (I thought fairly casually), "oh the garden is suffering a bit because I haven't been able to get out much, with the weather and the one time I busy gardening I popped in to check on DS and he was screaming." (I hadn't been able to hear him over the lawnmower and our video monitor is only hooked up to work in his bedroom, but he was napping in the living room - not to drip feed!)

She said that it didn't matter if he was screaming and to crack on. My response is that I didn't know how long he'd been screaming for- had he just started or had he been that way for 15 minutes? She said it didn't matter and "Babies can cry you know".

I do know that babies cry! But surely you should check why the baby is crying?! Please tell me if I am being precious but I just said I had left it until a day when DH was free to do it or could keep an eye out for DS.

What I thought was a fairly throw away comment, along the lines of "oh e're fine but the garden is a bit of a state" became a 'thing'.

Is it reasonable to leave a baby to cry for an unspecified amount of time just because you fancy mowing the lawn? Please tell me if I am being unreasonable? Know I have written it out I expect I might be?!

[JeanSeberg]

Does your sil not have kids yet by any chance?

[imyourhuckleberry]

No she has to girls, 10 and 8

[PourquoiTuGachesTaVie]

Sod the garden. Cuddle the baby.

In a year or two the garden will still be there, waiting for attention. That little baby won't be little anymore though.

[pictish]

Your sil does not have children yet does she?

I certainly couldn't mow the lawn while my baby screamed.

[HaroldLloyd]

Couldn't you just out the monitor in the room he is sleeping in and go out the garden etc?

DS2 napped in the room by the garden so i could hear him loudly out there.

But yes when I hear him crying back in to see what's wrong, I think that's just normal and not PFB at all.

[NormHonal]

At 4mo, sod the garden. The baby comes first.

[pictish]

Oh she does?

Well...um...to each their own....but it wouldn't work for me.

[amyhamster]

I wouldn't read too much into it
I'm sure she was just making conversation not saying she used to leave her babies screaming for hours

[HaroldLloyd]

The baby comes first of course but if you enjoy being out in the garden there is no need to stay indoors.

[Snapespotions]

Yanbu. I would never just leave a baby to scream!

[milkingmachine1]

I find these sorts of comments really grating. I used to get them a lot as a new parent. A confident but brisk 'that's not my style of parenting' should do the trick. I've become a lot more vocal since having my baby, whose a toddler now, I just hate the know it all types.
A good piece of advice I read in the early days was, if someone hasn't had a child in the last 3 years, ignore their advice! I just find people forget what it's really like to look after a little one.

[Galvanized]

No need to ever leave a baby to scream. Ever. Leave the garden til the spring! Smile and nod when your sil opens her mouth, you've found out now you don't need to value her questionable opinions.

[imyourhuckleberry]

amyhamster I don't think she would have either, but there is history - long backstory- and the tone of the conversation definitely took a turn for the worse!

Harold Lloyd we have a video monitor which I didn't unplug and reset up as there isn't a socket (wire is stupidly short!). I suppose i could have got an extension cable though.

But thank you for your comments- I had lost all perspective on it and as a lot of what I say/ do is being challenged by other people and family, I am starting to lose my confidence. I think I need to toughen up and have a "my baby, my rules attitude".

[Hakluyt]

No need ever to leave a baby to scream. But if you fancy a bit of gardening (and only if you do- not because you think you should) you could just take the baby out with you in his pushchair........

[HaroldLloyd]

It's totally normal to want to go back in and check a crying baby.

Bit weird to say otherwise, just raise your eyebrow and ignore.

[skylark2]

If I wanted to mow the lawn and baby was sleeping peacefully, I'd mow the lawn. I have to stop the mower every 5 minutes anyway to empty the grass bucket, so it's not an unspecified amount of time, it's 5 minutes at absolute maximum, if they woke up the moment I started mowing.

Yes, I had my kids more than 3 years ago, but it's not like I'm going to have forgotten specifics like that...

[WD41]

She has it the wrong way round. Sod the garden and cuddle the baby

[siblingrevelryagain]

Not good for baby to be left to scream (not PFB, medical studies have shown it raises their stress-cortisol is it?- levels).

You'll find lots of well-intentioned advice comes your way over the next few years. You'll get better at perfecting a quick nod and change of subject!

In fairness to your sil I imagine it's easier to tell someone else to ignore their baby than it would be to actually ignore your own.

You sound like you're a great mom already x

[5madthings]

I was going to say baby could come outside with you in a pram or a sling but I would be cuddling the baby, sod the gardening.

Grasping at straws with sil but maybe she was trying to reassure you that it wont have hurt ds to have cried for a bit? But just nod and ignore and do your own thing.

[MaryWestmacott]

Some people seem think not caring if their small child is crying or not is a sign they are much better at coping with parenting, it's not, it's a sign they care less.

Think about it, you had no idea why your dc was crying, and yes, babies cry, but usually for a reason. Deciding whatever was troubling their baby was less important than the lawn is a sign of someone who really hasn't got their priorities straight and is rather lacking as a parent.

Take any future parenting advice from her with a big pinch of salt, she doesn't parent in a way that suits you, but won't take kindly to having the faults in her way of parenting. Also don't complain about anything to her, she'll just tell you to leave your dc to cry.

(FYI, even Gina ford tells you to feed a hungry baby, make sure you know why they are crying etc, not just ignore them for an hour at a time, so don't let her tell you it's a routine thing)

[Catsize]

When I have gone to check my crying baby, and found its arm in an awkward place, or that it has been sick or had a nappy disaster etc., I often wonder about the 'cry it out' brigade. Personally, I hate the idea of leaving a baby to cry for psychological reasons. YANBU.

[EEVEElution]

I have a 6 month old, from what I've seen the leaving to cry thing is the biggest point of disagreement I've found as a new mum, particularly when trying to get them to sleep. One of my NCT friends did it at 3 months and it seems to have worked for her and her baby but it's not something I could do. My dad keeps telling me I need to 'break' my DD as she cries whenever I leave the room - I just smile, nod and carry on doing it my way! Wearing her in a sling helps me get stuff done or a doorway bouncer in the kitchen.

However those saying it's never necessary to leave a baby to cry are maybe being a bit unrealistic, if I never left DD to cry id never wash or go to the toilet! But I wouldn't ever leave her for long periods.

[FamiliesShareGerms]

Trying to look for a positive...

Maybe she meant that you don't have to stop what you're doing and run to the cot for every whimper and snuffle...? As pp said, you'd never get to go to the loo or gave a shower, or even do anything in the kitchen that meant your hands were mucky and would need washing before you could pick up your baby.

Bit different to screaming - and a bit different when the baby is only 4mo

[SurfsUp1]

I'm sure she was only trying to be reassuring.

Maybe try a papoose? I got so much more done once I got my babies into papooses. On the other hand there's nothing wrong with letting the garden run a little wild for a while either!

Don't stress too much about the crying though. The medical studies thing is a bit of a furphy and so long as you're not mowing acres and acres I'm sure your baby wasn't crying long enough to cause any harm.

[hackmum]

I really would tell her to fuck off. Actually I wouldn't because I'm too timid but I would certainly think it.

There are two reasons why she's wrong. One is the pragmatic one: if you ignore the baby, it won't just stop crying. It will keep on crying and crying until you can't bear it any longer, so you will have to come in eventually anyway.

The other is the more important one: by not picking up a crying baby, you are teaching it a terrible message, which is that you don't care enough about it to respond to its cries, that it can't trust you, that it can't rely on you to care for it. Crying is the only way a baby can get your attention, and a baby is helpless; it can't do anything for itself. Imagine how distressing it is to cry and cry and not have anybody come.