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Why would it be so wrong to send this text to OW?

(42 Posts)
justfoundout2014 Fri 31-Oct-14 20:44:57

H had an affair with a mutual friend over a 2 year period, mainly conducted in our bed while I was at work. When I say 'mutual friend', we all met at the same time and she pursued a 'friendship' with me at the same time as them developing their affair. He left at the end of this summer - I know he's not living with her and that she is still with her h; he claims they are not together at all, which I can't believe.

I have good days and bad, more bad than good more recently, and I just can't get over the way she lied to me so many times. She has refused to see or speak to me, claiming that I 'can't be civil'. I absolutely feel more anger to H than her, but I have communicated with him and the lack of an explanation/apology from her is weighing on me so much.

I have avoided texting her since he left, but slipped up this week and told her how my life is in ruins. This provoked a patronising load of shit from her in which she told me not to worry as I will soon find 'new rhythms of enjoyment' and that I will find 'richness and beauty' in my life if, as she does, I 'squint hard enough at it.' I just don't get how someone can be so patronising, self-centred, crass, stupid... I replied sarcastically and have had a reply berating me for my 'rudeness and aggression'. (I have never been aggressive or threatening to her).

I just want to get to her. I can't bear the fact that she has sailed out of this intact, while my life is in tatters and my children don't live with their father anymore (I know that is mainly down to him, not her) while her life has stayed the same and she won't even acknowledge what she has done.
I know I need to leave it behind, but what I cannot bear, and cannot imagine ever bearing, is the idea of her spending time with my children. I want to text her that if I ever find out she has been near my dc, everyone where she lives and works will find out what she has done.

What are really the worst things that could come from this, because I really feel like I will send it now.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Fri 31-Oct-14 20:48:09

I doubt there is anything you could say that would bother her. She seems completely self centred.

headlesslambrini Fri 31-Oct-14 20:49:11

Unless you have cold hard evidence then you will just sound unhinged and it will give her the excuse to tell everyone how unstable you are. Direct your anger to your H.

BOFster Fri 31-Oct-14 20:49:28

She's already got the upper hand, don't lose any more dignity over her. The last thing you want is to be in a position where she starts talking about restraining orders etc.

wannabestressfree Fri 31-Oct-14 20:49:58

Does her husband know?

Winterbells Fri 31-Oct-14 20:51:05

Don't do it, don't send it.

You have been through something awful and that woman is vile, no doubt about it, but don't lower yourself. I think you are looking for a way to deal with your anger and your hurt and texting that woman looking for a fight and to hurt her will just backfire on you. Don't contact her.

Chrissy41 Fri 31-Oct-14 20:52:24

don't send it - she may call the police. Keep your dignity and move on is the best advice. Hard to take I know - but silence is your best weapon.

lomega Fri 31-Oct-14 20:53:45

I think you need to just cut this foul self-centred woman out of your life. If she knows how much this is eating away at you, it's just adding more stock to her 'I can do what I want' attitude. She probably feels "empowered" that she can home-wreck and destroy another woman's marriage with no consequence to her own life, i.e., she's a bitch.

Don't send the text. You're worth more than that. You're worth more than her. Don't stoop to her revolting levels.

If you don't want your DC around her, ask them to tell you if she's there when they visit their father, and then have that discussion with him - he sees them without her, or not at all. She is the reason he no longer lives with you. It is not healthy to have her near them.

justfoundout2014 Fri 31-Oct-14 20:54:40

Her husband knows and did so for over a year before I did. What happens if you get a restraining order? Mad as it sounds, I almost wish that would happen, in terms of what it would say to H. He too has waltzed out and seems to be enjoying his freedom (not in terms of women that I am aware, but seeing friends, being back in the city etc) and wants to believe I am coping well so he doesn't have to feel guilty. He would have to believe otherwise if police were involved.

God, I sound unhinged, but this is how I feel now.

ILovePud Fri 31-Oct-14 20:54:42

I'm so sorry to hear what you've been through, and I can understand why you're so hurt and angry. I wouldn't send that text though, I doubt she will give a shit and I don't think it will make you feel better in the long run. If you contact her work you'll look bitter and vindictive and she'll be able to spin a version of events which puts her in a good light. The best revenge is for you to get on with your life and be happy and successful. I hope things start to look up for you soon.

dreamingbohemian Fri 31-Oct-14 20:55:28

Don't send that text. You don't want to get in trouble for harassment or threats, it really doesn't take that much to get police involved.

I can totally understand why you want to inflict some pain on her but unfortunately you will have to try to accept that you can't really -- yes, maybe you can embarrass her to lots of people, but not without embarrassing yourself in the process really -- there's no dignified way to do it. I assume her husband knows so perhaps take comfort in the fact that her life may not be intact at all, it must have done some damage there.

I don't think you need to be polite to her so don't worry about that. If she ever does contact you, go ahead and tell her to go fuck herself.

But don't be sending her aggressive texts, she could really make things difficult for you.

AuntieStella Fri 31-Oct-14 20:55:48

The worst the could come from this? That might be nothing. That you do all you can think if and she is impervious.

It's a foul double betrayal when someone you thought was a friend turns out to be the OW. But right now, I think you should sleep on it and send nothing tonight.

bananaramadramallama Fri 31-Oct-14 20:56:07

If you send it, she will have further 'evidence' as to how 'unhinged' you are, how you 'blame her for what your husband did', and possibly how you are 'harassing her'.

Please don't send it - it only has the potential to affect you, not her - she has already proved how removed from morals she is, don't give her this opportunity to be a 'victim'.

It will get better for you, it just takes time. You will get through it all - it's hard but you will; just take every day at a time and don't look for reasoning or try to understand, it just is what it is - 2 selfish, self centred people thinking only of themselves and their own needs and wants.

You are better than them.

thanks

DoJo Fri 31-Oct-14 20:56:33

I think contacting her at all, letting her know anything about your situation or involving yourself with her at all is just going to upset and frustrate you. She clearly doesn't feel bad, has no trouble treating people like shit or manipulating relationships to get what she wants. Has this most recent encounter made you feel any better? Do you think it would really make things easier for you if she said she was 'sorry' when you know that there is no way that can be true from the way she has carried on during and since the affair?
I know it's tempting, and it must be a truly awful situation for you, but I honestly cannot think of a better, more dignified and more positive thing for you to do than just leave the whole thing alone. From your description of her behaviour, she clearly thrives on being at the centre of this kind of drama, so don't give her the satisfaction and certainly don't do anything that could have more comeback for you than it will for her.

Winterbells Fri 31-Oct-14 20:57:28

Are you getting support from friends and/or family etc.?

sillymillyb Fri 31-Oct-14 21:01:15

Sweetheart, please listen to me.

I've been in your shoes, my ex was having an affair with a colleague and using prostitutes after I was very unwell. I couldn't let it drop once he left, and he eventually had me cautioned for harassment. Now the pain has passed,I can see how much I lost my mind really. I was obsessed with making them realise how awfully they behaved, but the more I did that the more unhinged I seemed. I wish I had laughed disdainfully in his face, told her she was welcome to him as they were both scum and then walked away.

I look back on this period (4 years ago) and the hurt is still there, but I could have handled it so much better. I promise that further down the line you will be glad you didn't engage with them. You can't control their behaviour, only your own, grab that dignity and self worth and thank your lucky stars you have got rid of him.

MorrisZapp Fri 31-Oct-14 21:06:57

What kind of response are you looking for from her? Is there anything she could text back that would make you feel any better?

I'm really sorry you're hurting so badly, but if your ex decides to pursue a relationship with her I think eventually she would spend time with your kids. There isn't anything you could reasonably do about it, however painful it may be. The only way to feel better is to work on your own life, free of both of these liars.

londonrach Fri 31-Oct-14 21:11:09

Dont. You are a strong amazing woman. If you can focus on your dc and don't give her or him any ammo. Sending you strength xxxx

ColdTeaAgain Fri 31-Oct-14 21:11:10

Nothing good will come of it.

You want answers and repercussions for what she's done. Well, the answer is that she's a nasty person who didn't give a shit who she hurt to get what she wanted. And the repercussions are that it's highly unlikely she is in a happy marriage given that her husband knows about it all. Maybe he was up to that same sort of shit too. What a miserable existence.

You are better than them, hold your head up high that you can move on and still be the same person always were. Whereas OW and DH will always be cheating shits.

Pasteurella Fri 31-Oct-14 21:32:47

I can only imagine how difficult it is, but you need to cut your losses and walk away. Your ex sounds like a total douche, and this woman was never really your friend, but she's mainly heard his side of the story so her view of you will be coloured by whatever he's said (and if he's justifying an affair to himself it's unlikely to be good).

Whatever you text she will disregard because she's unlikely to think it's her fault - you'll only manage to make yourself look slightly unhinged and even easier to dismiss.

I would try to find comfort in the fact that you don't have to live with your H any more, he sounds like a piece of work. And direct your anger at him, directing it at her is a waste of time.

flowers cake

maddening Fri 31-Oct-14 21:44:20

I just wouldn't keep it a secret. - when mutual friends ask what happened tell them the truth. - you don't owe her your discretion or to keep it secret .

As she knew and befriended you I think she does deserve a portion of your anger - she was a bitch and still is - certainly tell her that if you do exchange texts - what she did is repulsive and none of the shite she writes will change that.

But do not let anything get to the point of aggression or police involvement - you have dc and do not need a criminal record or to give your ex any ammunition in cases of custody in the future. Only text her in reply to anything she sends. - which she will if mutual friends become aware if her antics!

Chrissy41 Fri 31-Oct-14 21:45:01

honestly - delete her number now. Remove the temptation. It is not worth it. Even if she sent a grovelling apology it would make no difference. What they have done is gone. Nothing you can say will change it. I know your anger and pain - believe me I do. But you must say nothing. She is bloody welcome to him - with bells on. Honestly - you will regret sending anything to her - if you say nothing you will be proud of yourself in years to come.

Find another outlet for your fury and pain - I dunno, kickboxing, go for a run, decorate the house, dye your hair purple, eat cake, go out and have some fun, start underwater basketweaving - but for the love of all things holy start taking care of yourself and try and turn your back on the both of them.

Chrissy41 Fri 31-Oct-14 21:45:51

(& change your mobile and email so she cannot contact you either - incommunicado is favourite).

justfoundout2014 Fri 31-Oct-14 21:46:37

Thank you for all replies. I just can't get my head round this. She is awful - so why has h been willing to walk out on his children for her? He has seen them more or less every day, but he doesn't live with them anymore. He didn't see them dressed up tonight for trick or treating, and we always used his camera phone as mine is shit, so I have no photos of it either. It's just endless little things like that getting to me and making me feel so desperate. Christmas is going to be like tonight, but magnified 100 times.

If he is so awful, why were we together for 10 years with no hint that this was going to happen? Why did he seem to be a great sahd? What does it say about me? How can he not be living with them anymore?

I won't send it because I know it's true that it will achieve nothing. I just wanted to exert some power, but I really have none.

JohnFarleysRuskin Fri 31-Oct-14 21:46:40

Don't do it. She's so up her own arse she is impervious to you.

thanks your distress is palpable. You are going to have to let this go, for now, you know it.

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