to be p-d off over lazy selfish man child.

[Darquesse]

So today was the toddlers birthday. Yesterday dp knew I wanted to get the house clean top to bottom as we had company today, blow up the toddlers inflatable present,wrap his gifts and blow up balloons. All this after getting 4 children into bed. So he says he is just nipping out and comes back nearly three hours later when it is mostly done.

Today he lay on the chair with his eyes closed leaving me to entertain ds and prep all the food for the family (both sides) he laid there for over an hour then offered to take dc for a nap. He stayed with him for another 2 and a half hours.

Then he went to pick up his friends, knowing that 20+ people would be arriving and waiting for him to put the bbq on he still took over an hour to do a ten min round trip.

Then he had bought the wrong type of coal, left them out in the rain and lost the firelighters. So he spent the next hour making a fire out of wood to hopefully put the coals on to cook the food on. I don't know what he was burning but the smell was atrocious so I took a deep breath and cooked the food on the grill. By the time he came in to see what was happening most people had been fed.

He then proceeded to sit outside with his friend while my sister and friend checked everyone was fed, passed out food to all the kids and I cooked. He did nothing.

Then he offered to help clean up, when he had dropped his friends back off, another ten min round trip which again took over an hour.

Am I being unreasonable or should I kick the self centred man child out.

Oh I asked him to put the tiddler to bed half an hour ago. He is still having a grand old town in his new ball pool!

[ROARmeow]

Wow, it sounds like domestic bliss in your house.

I assume you nagged him a bit/gently reminded him/told him what you wanted done more than once? How did he react?

What's he usually like? Is he generally lovely, or is this birthday party just the straw that broke the camels back?

YANBU to be pissed off.

[DoJo]

He sounds like a wanker - is he always like this?

[ImperialBlether]

He's not a partner, is he? I couldn't live with him.

[FunkyBoldRibena]

Why does he actually exist in your household? Seems like an unnecessary spare part to be honest.

[Darquesse]

Yesterday when he said he was going out I told him what needed doing and he said he was only nipping out and wouldn't be long.

Today he knew he was doing the BBQ so knew he needed to come straight back.

He also knew exactly what he was doing when he was sat outside leaving me and my sister to run around. He is an adult who shouldn't need to be nagged.

And again when he went out again today and when he went to sleep. He was aware what needed to be done, he just chose to opt out.

Its definitely the straw that broke the camels back he has been getting worse and worse.

[Verystickypaws]

Right from the start why didn't you say something like get up and either put the children to bed or wrap the pressies? When he got back after 3 hours, where the fuck have you been? When. He's having a nice snooze on the sofa, look after YOUR child, Your Family are coming over HELP. Why are you sitting there whilst my friend and sister are running about. Didn't you think to ask your dad if he wanted a beer when you got yourself one.? Your fucking lazy bastard.

You shouldn't have to and it's not really your responsibility but it has to be better than carrying on.

[Verystickypaws]

YANBU

[DoJo]

I can see why you didn't want to bring it up at the party and create an atmosphere for your guests, but please tell me you have spoken to him about this since? Or are you actually ready to stop talking and leave him? Because it certainly sounds like you're close, and if he doesn't realise that, then it doesn't bode well for him trying to fix things.

[SilveryMoon]

I have one like this. Fucking arsehole.

[Verystickypaws]

Read your other post after I'd pressed submit. It sounds like a very draining situation.

[NotTheKitchenAgainPlease]

YANBU. Very unfair and irresponsible of him.

[UncleT]

Wow. There's no way I'd trust that fool not to kill innocent people with his barbecued delights. Can he tie his own shoelaces?

[Darquesse]

I did ask him last night where had he been, I didn't want an atmosphere at the party but I did snap at him at one point, when I asked him to get the baby/toddler to sing happy birthday and he there saying his name until his cousin went and got him. I then asked him to find a lighter and he said he doesn't know where one is. Well look then.

I have spoken to him since and he makes out like I am just nagging. He just said now, is it ok if I lie down on the sofa now then or will you give me grief.

That's why I try not to nag, cos then he turns it round to being about my nagging and his lazy behaviour is glossed over.

[DoJo]

It's not nagging, it's communicating your frustration at being treated like his slave and him doing nothing to contribute to the running of the household. If he's belittling your feelings like this when you are trying to tell him how unhappy you are, then it doesn't sound like there is much hope for a change and an apology. The question is, what are you going to do about it?

[Darquesse]

Sorry keep missing loads of posts.

SilveryMoon how long have you been putting up with it for?

I don't think I can carry on much longer. I am starting to hate him.

[Darquesse]

Dojo I think it is over. Just the practicalities to sort out. How to make it easier on the dc. Where he will live and so on.

[BuildYourOwnSnowman]

What does he contribute to the household and the family?

[Holdthepage]

Stop doing anything for him & then when he asks where his clean clothes, food etc is, tell him to stop nagging.

[Darquesse]

BuildYouOwn I love your name.

To be brutally honest? Nothing I am slowly realising. He pays for the car and associate costs. Its his car, I don't drive. He sometimes pays something toward the bills but then he sometimes doesn't. Depends how much he has left.

[DoJo]

You poor thing - it's not easy, but neither is having another liability to deal with, and no doubt you will be happier and healthier without the stress of feeling like this once it is all done. Personally, I always think it's better to make a move before you start to hate him - it will make it easier to be calm and practical and keep things as civil as possible. How do you think he will react?

[GirlWithTheLionHeart]

Why is it nagging when a woman asks a man to do something?

Yabu for not kicking his arse into check

[BuildYourOwnSnowman]

Thanks!!

He doesn't even contribute financially? My dh can be a bit like that when he wants a nap but he works long hours and is the main earner. He tends to take over when guests arrive though which means I just have to chat!

It sounds like you already know what you want to do and I can't say I blame you.

Are you married? Do you know how it will all work legally?

[Verystickypaws]

It's not nagging, it's being rightfully pissed off and communicating that.

I hate it when someone decides to opt out of tasks which then makes someone else responsible by default. Then as soon as they express unhappiness try to turn it round so they are the poor put upon person.

He may not like being told what to do but what is much much more annoying, and hate inducing, is having to tell a grown adult to do the fucking obvious. Why does he think that his time is any more precious than yours? You ended up having to think, plan, research, shop, start all the preparations .... He gets laze about and moan like a teenager.

[pointythings]

Kick him to the kerb. He will never change, you deserve better. For example: My DH is currently cripples with sciatica, causing intense pain and partial paralysis in one leg. I have been doing all the housework, all the cooking, all the cleaning, everything for the past two weeks. Because he can't.

Today, for the first time, he is in a bit less pain. He has jumped straight in, putting away clean dishes and sorting laundry. Because he is a real man, not a man-child, and he has felt bad about not being able to do his bit. This is the sort of partner you deserve, not the utter cocklodger you currently have. I'm not saying this to be smug about my DH but to open your eyes - yes, there are real men out there. Go get one.

[Darquesse]

He says paying for the car is contributing because if I need to go anywhere he will take me.
He will contribute sometimes but his priority is defo not with us.

We are not married so that makes things easier.

I understand that he is tired, we both work me 30 hours, him 37.5. I start an hour earlier than him yet I get the kids ready and off to school, then go to work, pick the kids up, cook the tea, clean up, do the washing, put the kids to bed and if he clears the living room up he has done his bit.

I am sick of seeing him lay on the sofa with his eyes closed. He has a nap every weekend, even if he has a lie in!

I have suggested he sees his doctor, I suspect he has low testosterone levels but he wont go so I can't work with him on it.