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AIBU?

To insist he only sees his son supervised

38 replies

Fairy13 · 23/06/2014 16:57

Have posted in chat too but no responses so moving here for traffic!
DH was violent and abusive.
We split in dec and I have allowed every other weekend with DS (age 1) since.

He wouldn't be abusive to DS, however he would have no issues with shouting and screaming in his presence.

The house is filthy dirty and when I picked DS up this sunday he had very severe nappy rash (whole cheek of bottom was red raw and bleeding). He also threatened to turn up to my house and take him.

It is DS's birthday today and I agreed reluctantly to let DH see him, in the presence of his parents, in a public place (to minimise risk of arguments) for three hours.

He is now an hour and a half late home. I have phoned his mum who said that DH was 'under the impression that I had agreed to 12 - 6'. - I had sent a text and confirmed 12 - 3.
they are now bringing him back.

I do not trust him with my son. I have been stupid until now in allowing it and I think it is time for supervised contact.

how does it work? Can I insist on it? who arranges it? Am I even within my rights to push for it?

AIBU (and can I even do it) to push for this?

OP posts:

Report

LastTango · 23/06/2014 17:05

I don't think you would have much luck trying to ban him from seeing DS. He wasn't violent or abusive to DS.

Your SON has a right to see his father and grandparents.

EvansOvalPiesYumYum · 23/06/2014 17:11

Your son is also his son. Nappy rash is unfortunate - my own daughter had it dreadfully, really badly, when she was teething. Nothing to do with bad care, it just happened and I was terribly upset.

If the Dad hasn't been abusive or neglectful to your son, upon what grounds can you claim he shouldn't see his child?

Softlysoftlycatchymonkey · 23/06/2014 17:13

I would move this to relationships - where you can get better advice.

LastTango · 23/06/2014 17:16

where you can get better advice

or more advice !

Fairy13 · 23/06/2014 17:23

on the grounds that he has strangled me, on the grounds that he has strangled his mother whilst she was holding HIS child. On the basis that his house is unhygeinically messy and has dirty nappies all over the floor and rotting bottles ready to putin his mouth.

On the basis that he once physically pushed his 8 year old daughter out of the house whilst calling her an ungrateful, disloyal little girl.

Please believe me, I am absolutely not the sort of mother who would ever stop my son from seeing his father uneccessarily.

OP posts:

AgaPanthers · 23/06/2014 17:24

I do not think you are in the right place for this.

PrincessBabyCat · 23/06/2014 17:25

DD came back from a weekend with the GPs with a bad diaper rash, and they dote on her every little whimper and spoil her every chance they get. She occasionally starts to get a rash in our care too.

It has nothing to do with neglect. Babies get rashes. It just happens. Have some good cream on hand for when it does.

But you can't keep your son from his father. You can arrange for supervised pick ups though so that you're never alone with him. Then you'll have a witness if he doesn't show, and he'll have a harder time yanking you around.

LastTango · 23/06/2014 17:48

Yes, but you ARE drip feeding so we haven't got the whole story to start with.

drudgetrudy · 23/06/2014 17:52

If you really feel your child is at risk with him you need to get legal advice but I think you would need proper evidence.

HansieLove · 23/06/2014 17:55

Fairy, is your MIL the swimsuit one? Do you still get to see your SD, as I know you love her.

EvansOvalPiesYumYum · 23/06/2014 18:00

on the grounds that he has strangled me, on the grounds that he has strangled his mother whilst she was holding HIS child. On the basis that his house is unhygeinically messy and has dirty nappies all over the floor and rotting bottles ready to putin his mouth.
On the basis that he once physically pushed his 8 year old daughter out of the house whilst calling her an ungrateful, disloyal little girl.
Please believe me, I am absolutely not the sort of mother who would ever stop my son from seeing his father uneccessarily.

Fairy - you didn't mention any of this in your OP. You need a lawyer who can give you better advice. People on a forum who don't know the full facts are totally inexperienced to advise correctly. A lawyer will know the right questions to ask and be able to give you the absolute legally correct advice.
Good luck with your situation, for you and your family.

Fairy13 · 23/06/2014 18:34

I am sorry for the drip feed. I've just beenn so distressed I wasn't thinking properly when typing.

Yes she's the swimsuit stealer... the whole family are insane and I'm so drained by it.

I can't see what's right anymore - my friends are telling me that I am letting my son down by letting him have contact, even with MIL present as she is not particularly stable herself, but my parents are telling me that contact supervised by them should be enough.

I am not clear headed enough at the moment to see if I am being to heavy handed.

EXH has just text me threatening to go for residency on basis of my PND!

This is going to get really really shitty, isn't it?

OP posts:

clam · 23/06/2014 18:36

Start amassing evidence.

I remember your nutty mil. It seemed as though your ex was being supportive at the time, but clearly things have changed.

Good luck.

WelshMaenad · 23/06/2014 18:41

Please go and see a solicitor. You may very well qualify for legal aid under the exemption for domestic abuse.

Your concerns sound genuine and a solicitor will advise you how best to proceed.

Fairy13 · 23/06/2014 18:42

Thanks Clam.

I'll be very honest here - I used to conceal the truth a lot here.
I wasn't ready to admit (-even to myself) that I was in an abusive relationship. It took counselling to understand that properly and get me to leave.

It was much easier to put all the focus on MIL. and in fairness, he was supportive over that, it just so happened that he brought a whole plethora of other issues to the party.

OP posts:

LumpySpacedPrincess · 23/06/2014 18:46

Seek legal advice. Do as clam says. As much as a relationship with his father is important you need to consider his welfare first.

DaddyBeer · 23/06/2014 18:48

DoJo · 23/06/2014 19:13

Erm, am I misreading the OP? I though you were asking how to go about organising supervised contact rather than trying to stop contact altogether, but the replies seem to indicate that people think you want to stop contact altogether?

Appletini · 23/06/2014 20:28

What is wrong with people? Exposing a child to DV is abusive, why are people saying he wasn't abusive?!

AnyoneForTennis · 23/06/2014 20:33

he was abusive in dec.....op has allowed eow for over 6 months.....so to suddenly cut it and NOW use dv,is never going to go down well in court

Droflove · 23/06/2014 21:22

OP, it sounds like he needs to be investigated by social services as a suitable carer for your child. Firstly he is your childs father so despite what has happened between you and him, he deserves a fair trial so to speak in relation to access to your child. Certainly the things he has done to you would indicate he may well not be a suitable carer. I don't know exactly how the court would view the way he treated you, it surely wouldn't help his case. But you need to get a solicitor and start the process. Document everything you can think of, especially things that would support your claim of unsuitable environment, neglect, risk of violence to your child. I have a 1yr old and would be terrified to leave him with someone like you describe your ex to be. So basically get a solicitor for advice and hopefully it will be properly checked whether he is a suitable parent or not and you can get the protection for your child if it is necessary.

AnyoneForTennis · 23/06/2014 21:33

A solicitor can't get anything 'properly checked'

Solicitors can do very little

Fairy13 · 23/06/2014 22:03

You are right. I had been letting him have him every other week up until now.

I should never have done that. His behaviour has never been ok. But as those who have been in an abusive relationship will know, it takes a while for your head to clear and for you to be able to see things from a norrmal perspective rather than the warped controlled perspective you have had drilled into you.

I let my child down by letting him stay there until now.

Picking him up this weekend (he had him from Fri - Sun morning by the way) - seeing the house as it was, seeing DS dirty, exh had already threatened to not allow me to pick him up, had threatened to come to my house and collect him against my will, then seeing this nappy rash so bad his bottom was literally pouring with blood (I do know this could be innocent) but it gave me a wake up call.

So yes, anyonefortennis, you are quite right, I have been letting him go.
that is where I have failed as a mother.

OP posts:

AnyoneForTennis · 23/06/2014 22:09

But only this one incident? ( I don't understand how a baby can get so injured by nappy rash over 2 days)

Your child has come to no harm. He has built a relationship with his dad. He knows his dad.

You could consider third party handovers. No contact with your ex. That takes care of his threatening.

Greythorne · 23/06/2014 22:13

Your son has the right to see his father if it is in his interests.

Your ex has no rights, only responsibilities to his son.

Simple.

Do what is best for your son.

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