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AIBU?

To show DIL (to be) my plans for her wedding?

47 replies

GotMyHardHatOn · 04/06/2014 14:14

I think I might have got carried away.

DS's fiancee asked if I would like to come with her, DS and her mum to view wedding venues a few weeks ago. They were all just too expensive and she was quite low.

I suggested that they hire the church hall and said I would find out how much that is. She was quite interested in that, so I phoned up and asked. Then I bumped into a friend of mine whose daughter did the same and she told me how much their caterers were and the different options that were available.

Actually I did get carried away because I was buying crafty things for myself when I saw paper/ cards/ ribbons and things in DS' fiancee's favourite colour. I'm a bit of a Pinterest addict so I made a few favours and table decorations with her favourite colour.

Have I gone too far? Should I keep my mouth shut?

OP posts:

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CMOTDibbler · 04/06/2014 14:18

I think you have got carried away tbh. Tell her about the hall fee, and mention your friend used it, and don't say about the rest

thegreylady · 04/06/2014 14:20

Show her a sample and ask her opinion. If she likes them offer to get them for her. When my dd married she wanted something quirky for names on tables. I suggested mini rubber ducks! They looked wonderful and now wherever I visit there are named ducks somewhere in the bathroom!

ScrambledSmegs · 04/06/2014 14:21

Um. They aren't plans as such, are they? Just a few ideas. Gawd, I thought you were going to fess up to having booked everything and bought the dress!

So why not call her and tell her about the price of the hall and also mention bumping into your friend and the catering options. Maybe hold off on the favours for now, she might actually have other colours in mind.

That's so lovely of you, btw.

elQuintoConyo · 04/06/2014 14:21

Very, very sweet of you - but woh there, slow fown horsey!

Give the info about the village hall on a bit of paper, plus some catering phone numbers you've been passed along, then leave it with them COMPLETELY!

Don't ask if they have read them, what they yhought about them - judt leave it with them.

Bin the decorations you've made - bin them good!

I would have been suffocated by this type of interest, no matter how well-meant. Tell your DS and Dil how much you enjoyed being included in chosing things so far, they will ask your opinion when they want/need it.

But bless you

elQuintoConyo · 04/06/2014 14:22

Oops typos, am on bus!

LookingThroughTheFog · 04/06/2014 14:22

Or, tell her as a laugh. 'I went a bit mental, but it's just over-excitement, and to be honest, I can use it all myself in the coming months without a problem...'

She may ask to see what you've done, and if she doesn't, you've enjoyed yourself having some Pinterest fun.

Not everyone wants to do their wedding entirely by themselves.

Jelliebabe2 · 04/06/2014 14:24

Why don't you say "in my excitement look what I did!". And kind of laugh it off! I'd not like you've bought it all! You've just made a few (I hope!) And if she knows you're into crafty things anyway she may appreciate it. If not just laugh it off in an aren't I a duffer kind of way.

My PILs weren't even remotely interested and didn't even buy a new outfit! I think this is lovely if you pitch it right and aren't disappointed if she says thanks but no!

HaroldLloyd · 04/06/2014 14:24

I don't see the harm in talking to her about it as long as you make it clear that it's all just ideas.

I wish you were my MIL I would let you sort out the whole thing. Totally can't be bothered which is why we are not married!

GotMyHardHatOn · 04/06/2014 14:24

Message received!

I did have fun I am so excited, I really like her and I felt rotten for her when all the places we visited were so expensive.

OP posts:

Crinkle77 · 04/06/2014 14:25

I am with CMOT

ThaneOfScunthorpe · 04/06/2014 14:27

Too far too far!! But you do sound like your heart is in the right place.

AndIFeedEmGunpowder · 04/06/2014 14:27

Oh I think you sound like a lovely MIL!

I think I'd go with just passing on the info and leaving it at that if I were you. Some perfectly normal people go a bit bridezilla about their wedding and she might feel like you are taking over.

grocklebox · 04/06/2014 14:30

No problem with showing her the stuff as long as you make very clear that you have no expectation of her doing things your way and you are just helping out. I think its sweet that you are excited about it, and as long as you say it the right way.
Depends on your relationship, really.

GotMyHardHatOn · 04/06/2014 14:33

I think I would be much better saying that I have seen these lovely things on Pinterest and I can send her the link if she would like to see them rather than pulling them all out.

OP posts:

SlimJiminy · 04/06/2014 14:36

Yeah, no harm at all in sharing your ideas as long as you acknowledge that you've gone mad and that you won't be offended if she doesn't go along with them. You do sound lovely but I'd have found this a bit annoying tbh as I love being crafty/creative and I'd have my own ideas for my own wedding but wouldn't want to offend you by rejecting yours. If you make the point that you're bouncing ideas around rather than directing her, that's fine.

HaroldLloyd · 04/06/2014 14:36

I agree maybes tell her your happy to help make things if she wants and sees anything she likes on Pinterest?

If you whip them out she might feel obliged to say she likes them.

Please adopt me and sort my wedding out!

Raskova · 04/06/2014 14:37

You sound like a really sweet MiL. If you get on well with her I see no problem with saying

'Im so excited about your wedding so I've got a bit carried away. I don't mean to be pushy/interfering at all. Have a look at this at your leisure, if you like.'

DeWee · 04/06/2014 14:38

I suggested that they hire the church hall and said I would find out how much that is. She was quite interested in that, so I phoned up and asked. Then I bumped into a friend of mine whose daughter did the same and she told me how much their caterers were and the different options that were available

That is fine. tell her that.

Don't even go there with the favours and things. You could mention that you would be happy to make them if she would like. I think if you start saying you've got stuff and made it up, then she could feel very pressurised inot taking them, which could starin your relationship.

Also she may not necessarily want her favourite colour. My dsis went for a colour she'd never really mentioned she liked-turned out that she wanted a particular flower to carry, so chose the colours round that.

GotMyHardHatOn · 04/06/2014 14:40

Thank goodness for Mumsnet. Seriously!

OP posts:

skinoncustard · 04/06/2014 14:42

I got carried away with my daughters wedding , she asked me to make some things and I took it as permission to 'think' for them ! It caused quite an argument and I had a stern word with myself and from then on constantly remind myself just whose wedding it was !!!! P. S. It was a lovely day and everyone enjoyed it. Help by all means but reign yourself in.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 04/06/2014 14:48

I agree with De, perfect level of interest without getting into the details like colours, which might be a bit OTT.

You sound lovely.

MrsWinnibago · 04/06/2014 14:48

Also your idea of "lovely things" might be way off her idea. My lovely MIL is a case in point. She bought my DD a "Lovely rug and curtains!" for her room which in actual fact were hideous. I had to tell her I didn't like them as they were so specific that her entire room would have been blech with them in.

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BeingAMummyIsFabulous · 04/06/2014 14:53

You sound like a lovely mum and MIL. It's so nice that you are taking a keen interest. If I was your DIL I would really appreciate the information of church hall and catering etc. With colours/favours etc, I'd maybe see what her ideas are, and offer your opinion if appropriate, if you see what I mean. I do think you are excited as it's your DS big day too, and there is nothing wrong with that, just take care not to bombard your DIL with ideas...it can (as I'm sure you are aware) get quite stressful. Best of luck with it all!!

TortoiseUpATreeAgain · 04/06/2014 14:54

You've got carried away.

If you get on well, send her the Pinterest links and ask what she thinks. Do not consider for one instant breathing even the faintest suggestion that you've already tried making some up...

BoomBoomsCousin · 04/06/2014 14:54

Agree with grocklebox.

I think it depends on her and your relationship with her. If you don't think she'll feel obligated (and you don't mind being turned down) it might be nice to tell her about the information you've garnered and then say something like "If you're interested, I've been thinking about how the crafting skills I have might help save you some money. I had a go at making some inexpensive favours etc. If you like them I'd be happy to make them or something similar for the wedding. But please don't feel like you have to. It's just an offer."

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