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AIBU?

Do I send a condolence card?

37 replies

solitudehappiness · 20/03/2014 12:09

Neighbours who've tormented and been absolutely hideous to us for years. The man has just died of cancer, in the last day or so. Do I send a condolence card to the woman who absolutely hates me. She's written awful letters to our landlord, stolen things from us etc.
Do I rise above it and be the better person and send a condolence card? I really don't know what to do. Would appreciate some thoughts please.

OP posts:

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sweetheart · 20/03/2014 12:12

I wouldn't if I were you - no matter what motivates you to send it it will not be received well by the sounds of it.

AlpacaPicnic · 20/03/2014 12:12

Personally, I wouldn't. She might view it as sarcastic. But if you happen to bump into her, I would say it in person.

WorraLiberty · 20/03/2014 12:13

No I wouldn't just in case she takes it the wrong way.

If a neighbour does a collection for flowers, I'd put a few quid into that.

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 20/03/2014 12:13

No, I wouldn't. But I would say it in person if you bump into her.

AutumnStar · 20/03/2014 12:14

I wouldn't. Sounds harsh but being dead doesn't absolve him of being awful.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 20/03/2014 12:16

No, he was hideous to you - just because he is dead does not delete all the shit he gave you. Just keep a dignified silence. Just because people die it does not make them suddenly nice - he sounds like he was an arsehole.

Beanymonster · 20/03/2014 12:17

I wouldn't, mainly because I've never sent a condolence card, but if you bump into her id do a 'sorry for your loss'

007licencetospill · 20/03/2014 12:51

Just leave some flowers anonymously on her door step.

formerbabe · 20/03/2014 12:53

Don't! If she's that unreasonable, she may think you are taking the mick or goading her.

SparklySocks · 20/03/2014 13:21

Definitely not.

Caitlin17 · 20/03/2014 14:22

No card. Express condolences if you meet. I did also wonder about anonymous flowers. You can't be accused of anything goady. Or if you're a particularly nice person a plain card offering help if needed but not actually expressing condolences.

PurpleRayne · 20/03/2014 14:46

No.

Sirzy · 20/03/2014 14:52

If you see her say something along the lines of "dispite the history I am sorry for your loss" or something else sincere, even sent with good intentions a card could be misconstrued and agrevate things especially given she probably won't be in a good frame of mind

laregina · 20/03/2014 14:54

I would keep out of it TBH.

Ecclefechan · 20/03/2014 14:55

Another vote for not sending card.

SometimesLonely · 20/03/2014 14:56

I would ignore the whole thing. Been there .....

How did you find out that he'd had cancer and subsequently sided? Another neighbour?

SometimesLonely · 20/03/2014 14:56

*subsequently died. Sorry.

BadgersRetreat · 20/03/2014 14:59

No I'd stay well away if i were you.

solitudehappiness · 20/03/2014 15:55

Its interesting that every message says no to sending a card. I don't feel so bad or that I should send one now!
One of my neighbours told me a week or so ago that he was riddled with cancer. Another neighbour told me today that he had died. The neighbour that told me today was going to send a card. But, she spoke to me a bit later on and said she remembered how the neighbours had try to break into her daughters car, dropped stink bombs when her grandchildren played outside, and were generally not very pleasant.
I don't wish badness on anyone.

I remember my son's tears when his bike was stolen. And the anger I felt seeing my neighbour pay local teenagers for taking our bikes, and collecting his bolt cutters back from them.
Like one of the messages said, just because he died doesn't suddenly make him nice.

OP posts:

ThePrisonerOfAzkaban · 20/03/2014 16:00

I wouldn't tbh.

OddBoots · 20/03/2014 16:04

Don't. However well intentioned it may well read as passive-aggressive and cause more problems.

puntasticusername · 20/03/2014 16:16

He paid someone to steal your bikes?! That's fucking awful!

I was going to say you should send a card, because no matter how awful he was in life, it costs you nothing to be a tiny bit gracious to him and his family in death. But as others have said, don't do it if you think there's a big risk that your gesture might be misinterpreted, or if it would cause more trouble or pain to you or anyone else in the long run.

Maybe make a donation to a cancer charity in his name?

Hey, here's an idea, take all your makeup off and put a selfie on Facebook and get all your mates to do the same...

Methe · 20/03/2014 16:20

Definitely not.

Dubjackeen · 20/03/2014 16:24

Another 'No' here.

Floralnomad · 20/03/2014 16:24

No ,for all the reasons already stated .

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