To be getting really fed up hearing about DP's long standing "illness"

[CrabbyInKrabbi]

Name change as I might come across as a heartless cow.

But basically DP came down with a nasty viral infection around 3 years ago. It cleared up but DP insists that part of it has remained. He has become obsessed with it, constantly analyzing every ache and pain, looking up cancer symptoms on the internet and making doctors appointments every 5 minutes. I've been sympathetic and have supported him best I can, come to doctors appointments with him, spoke up for him, done a bit of research for him but the fact remains that he has had every blood test known to man, urine tests, poo tests, scans, examinations, A&E visits(!!!!!) and the doctors can find NOTHING wrong with him. All tests come back saying he's a healthy individual. So much so that a couple of months back the doctor diagnosed him with health anxiety and sent him for counseling. He went to 3 sessions, cancelled it all and within a week was making another appointment for the doctor.

Now as I've said, Ive been supportive, I've made the right noises when he complains of symptoms, I've accompanied him to doctors appointments, I've felt his balls for lumps etc for him(!!) I've tried telling him that there is nothing wrong with him but that just ends up in an argument where he accuses me of siding with the doctors and not caring about him.

Anyway ... We was last at the doctors last Thursday. Again he's had wee, poo and blood samples taken. I, on the other hand am suffering from a flair up of what I assume to be IBS, horribly constipated, bloated, in pain and fed up. If I mention it to DP he more or less ignores me or changes the subject (usually to his own symptoms). Monday I'd just completed a 13 hour shift, 13 hours of being on my feet looking after ill people. I get home knackered at 8pm and I hadn't even taken my coat off before DP starts reeling off his latest symptoms. I had to walk away. My patience is really wearing thin and in truth I just couldn't be arsed with him. Tuesday I got up feeling worse than ever with my stomach problems so made an appointment for the doctor. I told DP and he made a joke of it. Later that night I began to tell him what the doctor had said and he immediately started going on about his own health again.

I've really had enough. It's fucking boring now. He uses it as an excuse for constant grumpiness, never wanting to do anything, lack of care for anyone elses illnesses - we're engaged and I'm honestly considering cancelling the wedding over it. He brings me down. There is a 10 year age gap between us but he's still only 42, what the fuck is he going to be like at 60?

AIBU?

[ConfusedPixie]

Some illnesses don't come up on tests though. I'm being referred to the local cfs and fibromyalgia clinic finally after years of doctors ignoring me and tests coming back absolutely fine. So yabu about that but About him being a twat and ignoring your illnesses, Yanbu.

[ihatethecold]

Do you really want to be married to this man.
He sounds like a child.

I hope you feel better soon.
You must be shattered after working for 13 hours.

[Treaclepot]

He sounds like he might have ME, which doesnt show up on any tests but can be absolutely awful. It feels like having flu all the time without a temperature. He should ask to be referred to an endocrinologist.

[Linguini]

It sounds as though this has caused a serious rift in your relationship and has exhausted all of your sympathy. I wouldn't be surprised if the anxiety and stress that he has projected onto you has caused the IBS to flair up!

Have you explained to him (rather than just walking off) that you are at the end of your tether with his self-pitying / self-obsessed attitude?

You really need to explain in clear words how you feel hopeless to help anymore, and you need support yourself! You are now having problems of your own and his total lack of understanding needs to be addressed immediately or you risk never recovering from this emotional rift.

[WeeSleekit]

Could be cfs/me but not necessarily. Even if it was it doesn't excuse his complete lack of concern and empathy for you. I would also be seriously reconsidering marriage if I was you.

[CrabbyInKrabbi]

He's been referred to every specialty going.

[YouTheCat]

I'd definitely be reconsidering marrying this man. He shows you no respect or consideration. Even if he does have ME or similar, it doesn't excuse his treatment of you.

[apermanentheadache]

Well, it sounds like he has either: something undiagnosable and is out of his mind with frustration or b) an anxiety disorder which is, in itself, a proper illness. Thing is, neither of these mean a person can show no consideration to others.

[monkeymamma]

What was he like before the illness? If he was considerate to you and to others then, then it does sound like something is up with him and he does need help (and you have something worth saving).

The first thing is that you both need to acknowledge that there is a problem (be it physical or mental) and that you are here for him and will support him. Then you need to discuss together and acknowledge that supporting him through this is having a serious effect on you and that you will need support and understanding yourself.

If it is anxiety, the website nomorepanic.co.uk can be really helpful - maybe reading about other peoples experiences will help him in the direction of realising it is something he needs help (counselling, CBT) with.

[CrohnicallyChanging]

I know what it's like to go backwards and forwards to the doctors, having tests done, but not finding a diagnosis and meanwhile feeling like crap constantly. So I have sympathy with your DP on that front.

However I sincerely hope I wasn't such a twat about it. Yes I spoke to my DP about how I was feeling, updated him on doctors visits etc, but I didn't make it the only topic of conversation. When he was ill I sympathised with him. Even now, I only bring up my health if I'm feeling worse than usual.

I hope you're feeling better now, digestive problems are no fun!

[CrabbySpringyBottom]

Have you actually talked to him about how self obsessed he's being? He sounds very caught up in his worries at the moment with no thought or concern for you. I think if you're going to continue in the relationship then you need to make it clear, maybe quite bluntly, that this can't go on and that he needs to get some help for how obsessed he's become.

[BeyondTheLimitsOfAcceptability]

What crohnic said. Right up to the bit about being a twat. I know I was a twat about my health before anything was diagnosed, and I know I still am now. Being constantly ill can wear you down, so all the effort goes into the bare minimum functioning, and leaves nothing for niceties.

That said, you have the option to leave him if thats what you want, you dont have to stay if you arent happy.

[FunkyBoldRibena]

I had one of these. I'd suggest he isn't in any position to get married until he has a diagnosis. It could be a while.

[Suzannewithaplan]

I realize this will sound unsympathetic but my first thought is that he wants to claim the right to be the most ill person, the person who has to be pandered to?

It sounds exasperating no wonder your IBS is worse, I sympathize I get GI problems when stressed.

[Goofymum]

What was he like before his virus 3 years ago? Does he work from home or spend a lot if time at home? It sounds as though he has hyperchondria and has too much time to feed his anxiety. There is a lot of support and other threads in mental health on hyperchondria. It's a nightmare to be the partner, very draining. YANBU.

[Melonbreath]

Mid life.

[Lemsy]

Hi OP,

I think this is going to turn into a 'cry wolf' scenario. You will be so jaded from the constant need for attention (be it justified or not) that you will start to ignore all of it. I have had this from a partner and i concluded that if something was really wrong i would ignore it and then what?

He's exhausted your resources and has no respect for you. He needs help that you can't give him. Time to let it go i think.

[Monty27]

OMG I had one of those. Then he really did get ill. Then he got better, but went on an on about his health. I dumped him.
I'm far from hard, possibly a bit less tolerant than you .OP

[CarryOnDancing]

This sounds like my experience with a family member with CFS and later ME.

I agree with others that the battle of who is the most ill is just going to be damaging. If he wasn't showing signs of this self indulgent attitude before his virus then I think ME really could be life changing enough for him that it seems to change his behaviour/personality when he's in the fog of it all.

[OliviaBenson]

We had similar with a relative, it turned out it was a mental health problem munchousens (sp!)

I feel for you op, it's very hard to live with. Why did he quit the councilling?

[arp2411]

If he is complaining of aches and pains and nothing else then I don't think it is likely he would be suffering from M.E. Its a very complex illness with a huge range of symptoms. I'm not a doctor, I just don't think the condition should be suggested lightly.

How does your DP's health issues/worries affect his day to day life? Is he still able to lead a 'normal' life going to work, doing activities, etc?

I completely understand why his behaviour is frustrating, I don't think you are being unreasonable to have lost patience with his constant stream of complaints.

[SelectAUserName]

I feel for you, OP. My DH has hypochondriasis as a by-product of his bipolar, and I admit my heart sinks when the latest reassurance from test results wears off and he becomes obsessed with another set of symptoms.

The difference is, my DH still manages to be relatively sympathetic if I'm feeling rough, e.g. he will fill a hot water bottle / go to the chemist to buy painkillers / run a bath for me. I think the question asked by a PP as to whether has he always been like this or did it change with the original occurrence of his illness is a valid one.