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AIBU to think that buying gifts YOU like when recipient has wildly different taste...

(26 Posts)
SlateTiles Fri 14-Mar-14 17:46:42 actually quite controlling, in some cases?

Not obv all, but in my DM's case, I think she uses gifts to foist her values and ideals onto others.

She is a hippy. Very alternative taste. We are conventional. Yet she insists on buying things on a crystals/ incense/ ethnic handicraft / autobiography of someone tragic, theme.

I'm actually really cross as she took my 12yo dd to 'choose' her own present. She was taken to one shop and offered the choice of 4 Druidish looking pictures for her wall. Dd likes cath kidston so You can see the problem... Trouble is , my mum is so clever at projecting her values onto others that poor dd didn't feel that she could say her true feelings for fear of upsetting her gran.

I think it's about control and it makes me so mad. My siblings feel the same.

AIBU to charity shop the gift or return it to the shop? Anyone else with relatives who do this?

NinjaBunny Fri 14-Mar-14 17:50:16

My exH seemed to have decided who I was and then bought gifts for that person.

Lots of Disney shit when I despised Disney, soft toys which aren't my thing, fruity white wines when I prefer Merlot, etc.

He managed to do it in a way that made me feel like I couldn't say anything. (He'd cry, storm out of punch himself in the face.)

EatShitDerek Fri 14-Mar-14 17:50:54

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SlateTiles Fri 14-Mar-14 17:51:08

Blimey, ninja! Any advice??

EatShitDerek Fri 14-Mar-14 17:51:25

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SlateTiles Fri 14-Mar-14 17:51:55

Ha yes, we've had religious icony type gifts too, lol!

SlateTiles Fri 14-Mar-14 17:52:20

So...can it be quite toxic then, sometimes?

NinjaBunny Fri 14-Mar-14 17:52:45

Blimey, ninja! Any advice??

Take it back and buy her a proper present!!


expatinscotland Fri 14-Mar-14 17:52:55


SlateTiles Fri 14-Mar-14 17:55:55

Charity shop then. I couldn't give it to anyone! Should I tell my mum?

BrownSauceSandwich Fri 14-Mar-14 17:57:06

For the most part, I'd assume they were just being a bit clueless rather than controlling. Maybe there's more to the story?

NinjaBunny Fri 14-Mar-14 17:59:01

Just tell your mum that it wasn't to your DD's taste.

If she says, "Well, she chose it..." you tell her the whole shop isn't to her taste.

SlateTiles Fri 14-Mar-14 18:00:24

Yes, she's very manipulative generally and acts all wounded and weepy if she doesn't get her way. She is unbelievably sensitive and if anyone raises any issues with her she makes you feel like a bully.

SlateTiles Fri 14-Mar-14 18:02:18

She also asked dd if she'd rather have £10 or a second picture, in front of the shop keeper, who is my mums friend! This is an example of the manipulation.

NinjaBunny Fri 14-Mar-14 18:06:06


So you have 2?

Yup, I know about the wounded and weepy thing. Although if you stand your ground they get nasty very quickly.

That said, some people see it as an insult to them if you don't share their choices/views/tastes. If you don't like something they don't like they'll see it as 'an attack'.

I've met loads of people like that.

SlateTiles Fri 14-Mar-14 18:07:35

Yes, an attack, that's it! Precisely. Yep we have 2. I drip fed.

LCHammer Fri 14-Mar-14 18:11:24

As I say on these threads, a gift should be a pleasure, not a burden. If you don't like it, get rid.

SlateTiles Fri 14-Mar-14 18:15:23

Hammer, I often feel obliged to hang on to stuff. That's one reason we are more cluttered than I'd like.

LCHammer Fri 14-Mar-14 18:20:01

Oh, me too. I'm learning to let go. I bagged a few things the other day for charity. I realised I didn't care enough for them to even take a picture as a memento. And I'd been carrying them through house moves over the years. What a waste of mental energy.

SlateTiles Fri 14-Mar-14 18:22:05

I agree! Thing is, I feel so guilty. Also mil is a main source of stuff, but always wants to get involved if we have a car boot ( lives close and the dds always tell her!) so that's a tricky ken too...

SlateTiles Fri 14-Mar-14 18:22:23

'One' not 'ken'

LCHammer Fri 14-Mar-14 18:24:21

That's tough. I don't have suggestions smile

SlateTiles Fri 14-Mar-14 18:24:24

Hammer,My mum is also a potter so we have literally dozens of items kids have made over the years. A few bits are nice, but it's just crazy. With mil it's mainly clothes and bulky toys. The bloody storage issue gets to me!

SlateTiles Fri 14-Mar-14 18:24:52

X post. Just nice to off load!

LCHammer Fri 14-Mar-14 18:25:33

You need an extra loft.

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