To want these people to leave

[chrome100]

Bit of background: DP and I live in a flat with another couple. DP and the other guy are good friends from school, the other woman and I have an OK relationship. I do not enjoy living with them as would rather it be just DP and I but we cannot afford to live alone. We are both 29. No kids.

It feels like DP and other male flatmate treat our flat like a party house. We've been out for some drinks with friends, it's midnight, we call it a night and then they say "everyone back to ours". No consultation.

It's now 2am, they are all playing music, drinking beer and chatting. I have work tomorrow (DP has his own business so can do as he pleases, flatmate starts work in the afternoons).

I am so pissed off. I'm going to be really tired tomorrow. If I try and tell DP I don't want people round I'm told "it's their flat too" (fair enough) and that I should be "more spontaneous".

I'm really tired of it all. I know if DP and I had our own place none of this would happen. it makes me resent everyone so much, resent that we can't afford to live alone which I know is just life, resent these people being round (who are, in daylight hours, my friends too).

I wish they'd all fuck off so I could get some sleep like normal people do on a weeknight.

[DioneTheDiabolist]

I think that maybe you and your DP are in different places at the minute. You say that you know if you had your own

[DioneTheDiabolist]

Sorry, posted too soon.

You say that if you and DP had your own place, this wouldn't happen. Why? Does he not want guests after midnight?

[chrome100]

I think other flatmate "spurs him on" and encourages him to stay up late. He is more of a party animal than me, it's true, but if it were just us 2 at least he could go out and drink at other people's houses and roll in whenever, without disturbing me. If when all the parties are in our flat that I get cross.

[MargotLovedTom]

It doesn't sound like he's going to take your feelings on board so maybe you get a pair of ear plugs or move out! Sounds like a student house tbh, and not surprisingly you don't want to live like a student when you're nearly thirty years old and working ft.

[chrome100]

You're right, it does sound like a student house. The friends that are around tonight are 32 and 36, ffs! I don't want to move out, I love my DP with all my heart but I am not sure how much longer I can stand this set up. I feel trapped because we cannot afford rent and bills as a couple so there really is no end in sight to a flat share. I certainly can't afford to live alone.

[MargotLovedTom]

If you explained how close to the edge you are maybe he'll take it more seriously.

[DioneTheDiabolist]

Time for you all to sit down and have a proper talk about what is acceptable. You are all adults, paying the same (I assume) for your home.

Lay out your boundaries and if the people you share a home with don't agree or share your views, it's time to find another home.

[chrome100]

I have tried to explain but I am made to feel as though I'm just being uptight. Then I begin to think that perhaps I am? Maybe Im boring but I just want a nice couply life where we come home from work, socialise, play sport etc and are in bed for midnight chatting about our day. Not this crazy madhouse life.

[DioneTheDiabolist]

OP you should not be made to feel uptight about your home. Similarly, nor should your DP.

Maybe it's time for you to move out of this house and into another, where you and your flatmates are on the same page. Your DP can continue to live with people who share his life view and you can both be happy.

Or are you discovering that you and he are not in the same psychological time and space, are unable to have both your needs met can not find a suitable compromise and this is the problem?

[fivefourtime]

I think the assumption that it will stop when you have a place to yourselves is possibly false. My mum eventually tore a strip off my stepdad after one too many impromptu open-houses with people she didn't like much at all but was expected to cater for.

I don't think you can solve this by moving - you need to talk with your DP and make sure he understands where you're coming from. Lay down the law if necessary.

[RestingActress]

You're not uptight, you've just moved on. But it doesn't sound like your DP has moved on I'm afraid.

[Dollslikeyouandme]

It sounds as though you're living with a bunch of overgrown, selfish kids.

I feel really bad for you, even when I was in my late teens/early twenties I couldn't have hacked a lifestyle likes this when working full time.

Weekends are for partying, I wonder what your neighbours think.

Your dp is questionable in this too, sleep is a basic human right, and asking to be allowed to sleep before midnight on a work night is perfectly reasonable.

I know you say that you cannot afford to move out, but might it not just be a case of living on a tighter budget?

A studio flat sounds better than the current situation.

[msrisotto]

Hmm, so you've told your partner how unhappy this makes you and he steamrollers right over your feelings and essentially tells you yabu for having them? Harsh. Find another house share with some grown ups!

[MostlyCake]

Is it your flat or is it a rented flat share? If it's yours and the other couple are renting you could reiterate ground rules. With your dp I think you need to sit downwith him gfor a serious chat, it's not fair on you to be up all hours then be eexpected to work the next day.

I hope you have the telly, washing machine and hoover running in the morning before you leave for work and forget to turn them off

[fluffiphlox]

What about your neighbours?! I can't see that they are enjoying this at 0230.

[whois]

You're not being uptight. Having friends 'back to mine' on a weeknight isn't normal professional late 20's behaviour.

I would go down the slightly cringy route of sitting everyone down and saying you are close to breaking point and want to have a 'no weekday party' hoise rule where friends are gone by midnight. You appreciate they have different work schedules to you and so can stay up later but remind them you don't have hoards of friends round at 7am when they are trying to sleep.

Tell DP privately it has to stop or it's over and you're moving out.

[dreamingbohemian]

I don't think the problem is your house setup, it's your DP. He should be more respectful of your need to sleep and work -- you say 'fair enough' they want to party but that's not really fair enough, is it? If they want to party til 3 am during the week they should live with people who are okay with that.

You seem to be focusing on the relationship you want not the relationship you have. You want a relationship where you live alone and have reasonable evenings and go to bed as a cozy couple -- and that's fine. But it's not what you actually have. Are you sure your DP actually wants the same?

What is your work situation like? At what point will you be able to afford your own room somewhere, either with or without DP?

[WeAreDetective]

I would seriously consider moving out if I were you.

Do you have someone you could go and stay with in the short term.

You are not being uptight, it's quite normal and your feelings should be considered.

[Pipbin]

I'm going to be very blunt here and say it sounds like your DP is being a bit of a bully.
It's absolutely right of you to not want to be partying at 2.30. But his attitude of saying you're boring and you should be more spontaneous is bullying.
As others have said, I'm sure your neighbours are pissed off too.
Is there any chance you could move out for a short while? Could you go back to your parents or stay with a friend. I think if you just say 'I've had enough, I'm off', he will have to decide if he wants you or the party life. Give him an ultimatum.
As other have also said do you have reason to believe that this attitude will finish if you two get a place of your own?
You say you can't afford a place with just the two of you, where do you live? Could you move to a cheaper areas?

[chrome100]

Thanks everyone. it's a rented flat so I don't really get any more say than the others. I think the problem is the men lived together first and then us (the girlfriends) came afterwards so they had already established this life together, ifyswim.

We live next door to a house of 13 students so I don't think they care about the noise - they are pretty bad themselves! However, I'm able to block them out but not noise from my own front room.

I have thought about ultimatums but am scared it might back fire. In some ways, I feel if I hold out a little longer he'll grow out of it. But maybe that's naïve.

[chrome100]

Oh, and before I moved in I was living in a bedsit by myself. I could afford it - just but there was not much to spare and I had no bed as it was too small and slept on the floor for 18 months - although right now that seems preferable to the midweek parties!

[Pipbin]

This is a good question. Do you live somewhere with huge rents?
DH and I were both just retail staff when we first moved in together, we earned naff all but we could rent a one bed flat.

Honestly he sounds like an arse and you should tell him that either the parties stop or you leave.