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Friend said she had terminal cancer when she didn't. AIBU to never speak to her again.

(52 Posts)
VeryDifficultSituation Sat 01-Feb-14 11:12:08

NN as do not want to be recognised. A friend (not particularly close) I have known for around 7 years told me she had cancer a few months back. Just after Christmas it became terminal.

Found out yesterday from a relative of her's that she never had cancer at all and she said it to get back at her mother who she was no longer in contact with.

She had a similarly dysfunctional and abusive childhood to me and I could empathise with her a lot on stuff she told me that went on. I can't empathise with that though. She has DCs who were apparently never aware of this 'lie', thank god. I have not spoken to her since I found out about this and don't want to.


BumPotato Sat 01-Feb-14 11:12:42


Casmama Sat 01-Feb-14 11:13:02

Nope, perfectly reasonable.

expatinscotland Sat 01-Feb-14 11:13:44

No. What a horrid thing to do. Cut loose.

SaucyJack Sat 01-Feb-14 11:13:49

Nope. Draw a line _________________, move on.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Sat 01-Feb-14 11:19:21

Not at all, that's a terrible thing to do.

magimedi Sat 01-Feb-14 11:21:44

No - she may have had a tough time, but that lie is inexcusable.

I would cut all contact.

bearleftmonkeyright Sat 01-Feb-14 11:22:35

Yanbu, she will drag you down.

thenamestheyareachanging Sat 01-Feb-14 11:29:51

As you're not close to her, it would be understandable if you didn't speak to her again. It's not what I would do. It's an awful thing to do, but I think that to do something like that a person would have to be seriously ill in a different way. It is hard to understand from the outside, but she is clearly seriously in need of help. Maybe you could support her, whilst telling her straight that it will take you a long time to trust her again and you perhaps never will completely.

Do you like and respect this person apart from this incident? Could you help her to get help, whilst maintaining boundaries you feel comfortable with?

HaroldLloyd Sat 01-Feb-14 11:31:58

Nope. Not at all.

Why drag you into it all? Totally unfair and cruel.

LIZS Sat 01-Feb-14 11:32:17

If she can lie about that , I would always be wondering what else or what next ? Sorry but no real friend would behave like this especially if she knows your background.

littlemslazybones Sat 01-Feb-14 11:33:06

How can you be absolutely sure that this family member is telling the truth?

Joysmum Sat 01-Feb-14 11:33:57

I like to think I've chosen my friends well. My friends are decent people so if anyone of them lied like that (especially given 2 of my close friends and my mum have cancer atm) then it's not because they're a bad person, they'd be a good person doing a bad thing and it'd take a lot to prompt that. I'd be worried.

bearleftmonkeyright Sat 01-Feb-14 11:34:38

I think you have to be pretty damn tough not to get dragged down into it yourself. Toxic friendships are not worth it, if you cannot let your guard down with a friend, its no friendship iyswim.

MrsSteptoe Sat 01-Feb-14 11:41:02

Assuming the relative's correct, then your friend does need help.

It's up to you, of course, if you feel inclined to try to persuade her to seek it. Perhaps you could consider persuading her to get help, but making it clear that it's a one-off conversation and you're not involving yourself in her problems. (Unless you're nicer than I am, and you're prepared to try to help on an ongoing basis, but there is the danger that you could get very caught up in the whole thing - you'd need massively strong boundaries.)

Leverette Sat 01-Feb-14 11:46:11

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Pigsmummy Sat 01-Feb-14 11:47:55

I think that you need to tell her what the relative said and that is why you don't want to be friends any longer. It will confirm the situation and hopefully kick her her stupid arse if it is a lie. She might realise how much she has to lose with this lie, if it is a lie.

TeamEdward Sat 01-Feb-14 11:48:13

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

deepfriedsage Sat 01-Feb-14 11:49:24

My exsil was supposed to have done the same. Thing is you have a dysfunctional family members word, you cany access her medical records.

following Sat 01-Feb-14 11:49:33

i would speak to her about it , this relative might not be telling the truth .

mumteedum Sat 01-Feb-14 11:53:03

I knew of someone who did this. She was mentally ill. She under went a lot of therapy but was desperately hard for her close family. If you're not esp close Then I think might be best to keep your distance, assuming of course, as another poster said, what you've heard is correct.

StillNoFuckingEyeDeer Sat 01-Feb-14 11:53:36

If you believe she's normally a good person, I'd be worried about what's gone on to make her do this. She could be going through an exceptionally difficult time. I'd find out more before cutting contact.
If you could have believed she'd do that sort of thing before, I'd definitely consider her an ex-friend.

Crowler Sat 01-Feb-14 11:55:48

I'd be worried if it were a good friend. I would be so utterly baffled.

phantomnamechanger Sat 01-Feb-14 11:56:11

I'm with Joy - something like this would be so out of character for any of my friends that it would set alarm bells ringing loud and clear that something, albeit not cancer, was very amiss.

If this person has form for being a liar, manipulative or an attention seeker, that's one thing - but they need to know they have seriously overstepped the mark this time.

If they have no form for this sort of behaviour, I would be seriously worried about their mental health.

I once knew someone who had faked pg for a whole 9+ months - her DH, her own parents EVERYONE believed her. She did not want her DH to take time off for antenatal appts, she was sleeping badly and made him sleep in the spare room to get a good nights sleep, she had her list of foods she had gone off and those she craved. She bought all the baby gear and maternity clothes. This all came to a head when she was 42 weeks pg and allegedly booked in to be induced - then a friend of a friend who worked in the maternity dept said there was no one booked in under that name and it all came out. She was obviously a very unwell lady.

StupidMistakes Sat 01-Feb-14 12:49:56

That lie would also have upset me, my mum died 8 months ago from terminal cancer, she survived 30 days from diagnosis to joining my father with the angels. My dad also died from cancer, he lasted 4 days short of three months, I was a baby at the time so don't remember him.

I have recently had a smear and colposcopy and biopsy which has come back with pre cancerous cells and as a result I have to have a loop biopsy to remove these cells which given my family history has scared the hell out of me.

Someone lying about terminal cancer is a major issue for me though is a sign that they do need professional help

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