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AIBU? Worried about the future.

(89 Posts)
CocacolaMum Mon 11-Nov-13 14:19:41

Buckle up, this is long...

OH has always had a temper. He has never been violent to me or the children but he has always been the sort to keep things pent up until he explodes - at which point something usually gets broken. He absolutely will not speak to anyone about this - I have tried going down that route before. In fairness these instances have become farther apart over the years (which is why I have never seen it as that big a deal)

Ds is 12, dd is 7. He has been asked every day for the last month or so to tidy his room. As I said, he is 12 so unless I am standing over him it usually doesn't get done!

We were all ill over the weekend (some kind of bug), they all had it Saturday and I had it on Sunday. It really hit me quite hard so I stayed in bed pretty much all day - on the Saturday OH and DS were laid on the sofa watching films all day.

I got quite irked yesterday because while I was trying to relax so I could feel better I could hear OH grumbling about how messy the place was. It was ONE day. He pays all the bills so usually I take care of the house but this was ONE fucking day. I managed to go downstairs at around 6 to ask what they were having to eat - fuck knows was his reply. I didn't have the energy to argue so I pointed out that there was food in the freezer and went back to bed. More grumbling and pans crashing could be heard.

I got up at about 9pm for all of about an hour and he was fine.

Woke up this morning and of course he hadn't bothered getting anything ready for school today so spent the morning running around like a headless chicken. I made him a sandwich which I left on the worktop with other things for his lunch and went off to take the children to school.

Came back as he was leaving. He didn't so much as make eye contact, just stormed out.

I went upstairs to find he had trashed DS' room. Pulled all the books off the bookshelves, pulled the shelves off, his lamps on the floor, his clothes rails been chucked out of his wardrobe and his wardrobe door wrenched off the wardrobe.

I phoned him at work (after a few hours of trying to calm down) to ask him why exactly he did that. He said "he had dirty clothes on his floor, hes been fucking told to tidy it and if he doesn't like it he can move out"

erm WTF? he is 12!! I am so pissed off and upset that I just cannot think straight. I don't for a second think this has anything to do with ds but everything to do with OH and I but what the hell can I do or say!?

LadyBeagleEyes Mon 11-Nov-13 18:17:00

So you don't feel sorry for the ds elskovs.confused.
He's 12 and his violent father has trashed his room.
How you can go from my 3 word sentence to accusing me of blaming the op is bewildering.

CocacolaMum Mon 11-Nov-13 18:30:30

sorry I have not replied for a while. OH came home just as we were getting ready to go to the shops so I left him to it and took ds with me. Had a good long chat with ds about the situation and reassured him that he wasn't to blame and that OH was being childish which is why we were going to leave ds' room alone and let OH deal with it.

Got back to find that OH had put some of the room back together (shelves back up and bookcase back together but there's not a lot can be done about the wardrobe, he can sodding well buy him a new one) and he and dd had gone into the workshop to do some jobs he had started last week. I have not spoken to him, just asked dd to come inside for dinner.

I did take pics of it before OH got home in case I need them. Its easy to say LTB but in reality it IS more complicated and I don't want to do that unless every other avenue has been explored. I am not not talking to him because I am afraid, I am livid that he's put me in this position and also I know I am trivialising this to ds but I don't want to actually come out and say "you are being a fucking moron" in front of them.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Mon 11-Nov-13 19:16:26

Ok, so you aren't going to leave him, so what are you going to do?

Not talking to him is temporary, and this will happen again. He won't recognise that he has a problem and that this is unacceptable. So far you are just putting up with it, which isn't going to solve anything.

He has to realise you won't be tolerating it anymore, and mean it.

elskovs Mon 11-Nov-13 20:05:13

I feel more sorry for OP than her DS. He will be fine, he has his mother to look after him.

Its so insulting, insinuating that by not reacting strongly enough she is letting her son down and is somehow a inadequate mother. As if she needs strangers on the internet to look out for her son. All that bollocks about some poster welling up at the thought of her terrified DS... please.

Posts like yours LadyBeagle ARE accusatory, and totally unsupportive.

LadyBeagleEyes Mon 11-Nov-13 20:11:42

And you gleaned all that from me saying 'your poor ds'?

elskovs Mon 11-Nov-13 20:18:55

Yes. Why not say "Poor you OP" ?

Your intention was to make her feel guilty.

That's shitty.

DownstairsMixUp Mon 11-Nov-13 20:21:06

I have said it a few times on here but if you really think LTBing him is not an option (at this point in time, I hope) then the only other option IS to tell him he NEEDS to see his GP and address whatever issues he has (and he clearly has them, we all get angry, we just don't choose to wrench wardrobe doors off handles or smash things up) That isn't a "normal" way of dealing with anger and I wouldn't want my children witnessing that and seeing that as a normal way of dealing with emotions and feelings. You said you can't talk to him, could you not write him a letter? I'm afraid in this situation you would have to issue him an ultimatium? Either he speaks to someone about it, or you do leave. He can't have it all. Also with writing it down in a letter you can say everything without him inturrupting you to?

haveyourselfashandy Mon 11-Nov-13 20:34:43

I feel for you op.Don't trivialize it to your dc's though,they need to see that this behaviour is very wrong and not acceptable.I know how hard it is to leave,been there myself and one day he will do something that makes that decision for you (not violence necessarily) perhaps he will trash something else and you will say enough is enough.

choccyp1g Mon 11-Nov-13 20:52:38

Elskovs You might think it's bollocks that I was welling up at the thought of her poor DS.

I can assure you I was terrified when my father did that sort of thing, even though he never "laid a finger" on my mum or us DCs. It was still terrifying.

Sidge Mon 11-Nov-13 20:53:46

I find it more worrying that he trashed the room in cold blood - not over the weekend in the heat of the moment. He waited until everyone was out of the house and deliberately and methodically trashed a 12 year olds bedroom.

That's fucking scary sad

JohnnyBarthes Mon 11-Nov-13 20:59:43

My mother's partner did shit like this. It took me years to forgive her (l never forgave him, of course).

Rightly or wrongly I felt my mother prioritised an aggressive bully over her own child, and I lost almost all respect for her as a result.

Decades on I have every sympathy for you, OP, but I also know full well that your children need you to stand up for them. If you do nothing, you're letting them down. Sorry.

AnandaTimeIn Mon 11-Nov-13 21:59:42

Tell him to fuck off.

I wouldn't stand for any grown man to trash my child's bedroom.

That's the bottom line. Whatever it takes.

AnandaTimeIn Mon 11-Nov-13 22:01:04

Whatever it takes.... Do it.

Morloth Mon 11-Nov-13 22:05:38

The DS has no choices here, he has no power.

The OP can choose to stay, it is a 'rock and a hard place' decision certainly.

But still, she has choices the children don't.

She is also not learning that this is how a man behaves, either by learning how to be a man, or learning what to put up with in one - her children are.

So yes, Poor DS.

This isn't 'normal' behaviour OP. He does it because he likes it. He can control himself, he just chooses not too because he doesn't care how you feel as long as he is happy.

Actions speak louder than words, and destroying your little boy's room because you are pissed off with his sick mother is a pretty loud action.

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