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To not want to move my plans to suit others?

(89 Posts)
daisydoo222 Fri 18-Oct-13 14:30:51

I have been going to Slimming World at the same time and the same day every week for 2&1/2 years and lost over 5 stone, the only time I have ever missed a class is when I was on holiday, I have sat through group when I've been poorly, I plan everything else around it.
I have committed to myself that I will continue to go, probably for the rest of my life and I'm currently considering becoming a leader and making it my career (or at least a bit of a side line).
My point is - this is more than just a bit of a diet, I take it seriously, it has changed my life and also improved everything for the family as I now have so much more energy and I'm able to do more with my kids.

However, now my stepson has started going to football training on the same night that I go so DP has asked if I would be able to change my class so that he can go with him.

I know that doesn't sound like a big deal but it is. The only two options I've got to change are: 1) I take the kids with me to the earlier session to get weighed but then I wouldn't be able to stay to class. I have a 1 year old and 4 year old, there's no way they'll sit still and be quiet and the leader has politely asked people in the past not to bring kids unless they can be good. Also it would end up being past their bedtime before I get them home.
2) I go to a different class in a different town the next day. I don't drive so it would mean me having to get two buses and would take me about 1&1/2 hours in each direction.
Plus the people at my existing group are my friends and are great support to me so I don't really want to have to move groups - I know that sounds silly but the group is often like a counselling session, they have supported me through my Mum's death and through my pregnancy.

I'm just annoyed because it's important to me and I feel now like DP doesn't take it too seriously. If I say I won't change I'm going to be the bad guy but I really don't want to.
I'm sure there must be a different football group somewhere? I'm not sure if his ex has arranged this on purpose because she knows it clashes with my class. There's 7 days in a week but out of the whole week she happens to pick the exact time and date that I'm busy. Coincidence?

NachoAddict Sun 20-Oct-13 20:26:23

Yanbu, you have been doing this for years, why should you change now. What is dss suddenly decides to do another hobby?

Can dsd's mother take him?

Can dh take the smaller children to football, Come straight home and drop dss home when you get back from sw?

Alternate weeks would be a nice compromise for you to agree too, dh could take turns with another football parent.

Dss mother should have checked before she arranged it that it was workable.

mercibucket Sun 20-Oct-13 20:24:53

Well yes there may be no way round it in which case he has the option of a different day or not doing the activity
Such is family life
Some of my kids can't do stuff cos their siblings are doing other stuff
Life is like that
The op has an activity that is important to her
So if it can't be rescheduled the football either happens on a different day, doesn't happen ot dh takes the other kids
I wouldn't do the babysitting thing but that's me

olgaga Sun 20-Oct-13 19:45:55

We can't assume there is "a way round it".

mercibucket Sun 20-Oct-13 19:39:38

There are some things that I would give up for my kids and some I wouldn't
I have an activity I do once a week that I won't cancel
I have others I would
Sounds like sw is one the op won't and her dh will just have to work a way round it or a different day for the activity
He just thinks his / his sons activity comes first
Why should it?

olgaga Sun 20-Oct-13 19:02:58

Yes I agree, I never had anyone who could babysit, and never wanted them to be left with a total stranger even if I could have afforded it.

I just accepted there were things I wanted to do which I couldn't do while my children were small. It's such a short time out of your life after all.

OPs DH wants to give up his Wednesday evening to take his DS to football training and stand around in the cold to support him. It's not as though he's suddenly decided to go to the pub with his mates to play pool.

I think OP is being inflexible and unco-operative. The real danger is that unlike her DH, who wants to do this for his son, her reasons are purely selfish. I think her lack of co-operation on this issue could have undesirable long-term consequences. .

Picturesinthefirelight Sun 20-Oct-13 18:24:03

Take it from me DON'T give up your group

I gave up the only thing I did with a group of people who became friends due to the dchildren & dhs work commitments

Fast forward 10 years & dh us in a different job, has a good social life with his friends. Dd is at secondary school miles away & first need me to take her places & I have no friends, no social life, not even someone I can phone for a chat.

Don't give up the one thing that is for you as one day when the kids have give you'll be alone.

theoriginalandbestrookie Sun 20-Oct-13 18:13:00

To those saying get a babysitter - this would add an absolute minimum of £5-6 per week to the household, and that's if you could convince someone just to come for the hour. Plus they would need someone that they trust enough to put a 1 & 4 year old to bed, due to the timing of the sessions.

I don't know what the answer is, but it just seems a bit simplistic to go - babysitter - ta dah, problem solved, unless cost is not an issue.

Dubjackeen Sun 20-Oct-13 17:24:08

First of all, congrats on your weight loss. flowers
YANBU. There are two other adults, who can surely arrange to bring the child to and from football. As other posters have pointed out, and in my (limited) experience, it is not a bonding opportunity, more a case of standing looking on, from the sidelines, during any kind of sports training.

olgaga Sun 20-Oct-13 16:49:18

So OP, your SW is important to you, and your DSS's football is important to your DH.

TBH I woudnt be happy about your DC having to be out that late in midweek, especially if the 4yo is at school. So it looks like a babysitter is your only option. Are you going to fall out about who organises the babysitter?

NewbieMcNewbie Sun 20-Oct-13 15:53:40

bababa - how do families without babysitters identify one?

Are you joking?

Same way families with babysitters identified one!

DamsonJam Sun 20-Oct-13 15:34:57

Given the nature of your commitment, I would say you are absolutely NBU to keep to it. Your future health and wellbeing (and therefore your DCs and DPs) depend on your commitment to keeping to a healthy weight. The vast majority of people with 5 stone to lose do not lose it and keep it off. The fact that you have done so is a major major achievement and you are right not to let yourself be swayed off course.

theoriginalandbestrookie Sun 20-Oct-13 13:23:32

Agree with baba - don't take your DCs to SW. DS came with me to WW a few times when I was doing it, he was 6 at the time. Started saying things like "I have a fat tummy" and noticing my weight. It's not a healthy environment for children to be in - and I didn't even stay for the meetings.

mercibucket Sun 20-Oct-13 12:58:50

my kids do football 4 or 5 times a week. it is not a 'quality time' experience or a 'lads and dads' type thing

up to the parents to sort out, no need for stepmum to feel she has to stop doing her activity

bababababoom Sun 20-Oct-13 11:54:57

And how, Neolara, do families without a babysitter "identify one"??

Please don't take your children into an environment where people are praised for weight loss and the focus is on what kinds of food are ok to eat, op. I am sure that being taken to weight watchers with my grandmother contributed hugely to the eating disorder \I developed and was hospirtalised for, that lasted 15 years.

neolara Sun 20-Oct-13 09:51:32

This really isn't a big issue. Babysitter would sort the problem. Arranging a babysitter isn't a big deal. It can involve sending one text message. I don't understand why there is a big argument about whose job it is to send this one text. If the OP or her dh doesn't already know any babysitters, it's probably not a bad idea to identify one or two they could use. Not only does it solve the football / WW problem, but it might mean they could have a night out together to have some fun. IMO, all families benefit from having babysitters they can call on when needed.

Misfitless Sun 20-Oct-13 08:24:06

sorry his DS not his SS.

Misfitless Sun 20-Oct-13 08:23:41

I think some people are missing the point, it doesn't seem to me that the DS needs taking and picking up, it's more about a proud dad wanting to support his SS and watch him train, so SS's mum or other football parents doing the transport bit probably doesn't solve the problem.

Misfitless Sun 20-Oct-13 08:20:05

OP is not being unreasonable at all.
There must be a way around this - like all the other posters have said - a babysitter/friend to sit with your little ones.
TBH, I don't think it's as easy as DSS just picking another session - if he's in a team he's in a team, and it means as much to him as SW means to OP. As with my DS, you can't just swap and change - you have to meet when the team meets and all train together.
If it's not a team as such, and just a training type session, maybe DS could change to another day, but then again his friends might attend that particular one.
Congrats on amazing weight loss, don't swap groups and try not to feel guilty. You've inspired me to go back to my class!

RedHelenB Sun 20-Oct-13 07:57:29

And most SW members tend to be women with family or grandkids!

RedHelenB Sun 20-Oct-13 07:56:50

Groups run four times a day & children have been to the evening one. Remember, the SW consultant gets money by having people attend!

KittyShcherbatskaya Sat 19-Oct-13 20:29:06

Of course YANBU. I sing in a choir and rehearse one night a week. It's the only hobby I have left from pre parenthood days, and is my evening of being an independent person and doing something I love. When my DC are older they will have evening commitments, and there will be six other available evenings - or DH and I will need to find an arrangement which means I can still go to choir. You don't automatically come lower in the pecking order by virtue of being adult and female. Option s including DSS's DM, other family members, other football parents, paid childcare etc. need to be considered so everyone's needs can be factored in, rather than yours sidelined.

Footface Sat 19-Oct-13 19:50:39

My ds wants to go to football training with his df, but his dad's gf won't let him because she wants to go Slimming World at that time every week. AIBU to expect his father to support him?

Or aibu to expect her to change a long standing activity that she has shown commitment too for over 2 1/2 years, because ds wants to go to football training

IdreamofFairies Sat 19-Oct-13 19:02:00

i never normally post on these sort of posts but just wanted to say yanbu and wow just wow at the nasty comments you have received about trying to stop your dp and dss spending quality time together.

not sure what its like every where else but here foot ball training is with a coach parents are on the side lines. not exactly what i would call invaluable quality time. basically your just transport to and from.

to me quality time is doing something with the child not watching but being involved.

the op has something that SHE enjoys and is committed to going to it doesn't matter what it is.

she may miss out and her dss may decide he doesn't even like the training. to those who thought her dss needs were more important than hers would she be allowed to go back then or should she just stay at home in case he wants to do something else on that night.

misskatamari Sat 19-Oct-13 18:36:49

Completely agree with Lifeissweet. It is up to DH and the boys mother to come up with a way to sort this out instead of just expecting the OP to give up her long standing plans. Losing weight is hard but maintaining is the real battle. Totally agree that YANBU OP! I hope you manage to get this sorted out so all are happy with the situation.

lifeissweet Sat 19-Oct-13 17:44:03

From a slightly different perspective, my DS has a step mother. If I had organised an activity for him that clashed with a commitment of hers I would see it as my responsibility to make that work between me and DS's father. I would not be happy for her to be changing arrangements for my DS. I don't see why she should.

I have. DSS and a DD too. My life is a constant juggling act, but with all of the children and adults involved we all make things fit somehow. I don't think you should have to change your plans, OP. I think your DP and your DSS's mother need to sort it out - this is one if the benefits of having so many adults in your family - lots of people to juggle arrangements with!

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