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SIL drama, please help me get perspective

(59 Posts)
Ginformation Wed 01-May-13 14:16:15

I have met BIL and SIL only a couple of times. DH and I visited them (on another continent) had a great time and some laughs. The last time we met is on our wedding day 3yrs ago. It did not go well.

SIL was upset that we had coincidentally chosen her wedding anniversary to get married. They had eloped years before I met dh, it upset the family at the time. Anyway, SIL asked if we could change the date. I emailed SIL to say what a coincidence! but sorry all had been arranged. We heard nothing else & were very pleased when they accepted the invite.

At our wedding SIL was rude to my parents and openly critical about the day. She got annoyed with BIL for talking to other wedding guests (his old mates he had not seen for years) instead of talking to her all night. We were oblivious to it at the time tbh, too pissed busy having a boogie! Other guests told us later.

The next day she refused to talk to us. Later dh spoke to BIL who said SIL had never liked me, she had found me offensive when we stayed with them shock sad. She then wrote a ranting FB post: it was terrible what we had done to her re wedding date and horrid things about DH. DH's family were supportive to me. I blocked her from FB and moved on. It upset me that DH was not speaking to his db- they have since started to email each other again.

Now they are coming over to visit. I cannot decide what to do. DH says I shouldn't meet up with SIL. MIL has already suggested a big get-together but DH vetoed this immediately. The thing is, DS has never met his aunt and uncle (they have no dc). I want to set ds a good example. But a little part of me is still fuming. I could certainly control myself and act civilly, but it will be upsetting.

If you have read this far wine, and AIBU to want to not meet up? or should I? argh, can't decide! If I don't go then DH will visit with DS but I feel weird about not being there. Please help me get some perspective.

Bunraku Wed 01-May-13 14:19:27

I wouldn't bother. She sounds like a waste of your time. Let your DH go if he would like to. You could go do something fun with DS as I doubt he is missing out on much not meeting her.

MaxPepsi Wed 01-May-13 14:21:24

My SIL started a fight with me on my wedding day, encouraged by my DB she lost so I think you got off quite lightly grin

However, I dont' think YABU to not want to meet up. But I would do so. For your DH and his DB and your other in laws and son.

Can the get together be held somewhere neutral - so that you can come and go as you please? If it goes well you can stay, if it doesn't you can just leave and it wouldn't look rude to other people.

It's good BTW that your DH is being so supportive - big thumbs up to him.

LemonBreeland Wed 01-May-13 14:22:05

If your DH is going to be around them then you should too. You should not be hiding way as you have done nothing wrong.

I would go and be polite but cool. Avoid talking to SIL directly, BIL doesn't seem to be a problem so talk to him and other family members. Don't feel pushed out.

dreamingofsun Wed 01-May-13 14:25:13

how far do you have to travel for the meeting? is it possible to go along for a bit and if things kick off make your excuses and leave? or is it an overnight job? we tend to either go en masse to family gatherings or not at all and i agree that it seems a bit unfair for your ds not to meet his relatives.

however, if she's just going to be rude and obnoxious there's not much point. you would feel good that you had made the effort though and would be seen to have done so. hard one - i think it depends how much travelling

Piffpaffpoff Wed 01-May-13 14:25:48

I would probably do it, but for as short a time as possible. It's 3 years ago, she might have got over whatever her problem was by now. I'm all for giving someone another chance, especially family because you are 'linked' whether you like it or not.

But, if she is still a total arse to you at this get-together, then that would be it or me, no more contact, full stop.

TSSDNCOP Wed 01-May-13 14:26:06

Send DS with DH with your blessing and go shopping that day.

Fuck SIL and the horse she came in on would be my attitude.

Can you tell I'd never be invited to the UN grin

adeucalione Wed 01-May-13 14:27:33

Oh yes you must go, and be gracious and friendly - there's nothing like the moral high ground. I know you haven't got anything to prove, but people will forever remember that she was a brat and you rose above it.

StephaniePowers Wed 01-May-13 14:28:50

I find it very hard to act naturally when I'm a seething mass of outrage, are you the same?

Also, as I get older I actually regret having gone out of my way to control this and having spent some bloody awful times with people I cannot stand. They've never been worth it, not once ever.

She sounds like a strange one and I see that you want to make the effort for your PILs. But IME if SILs don't get along it's just so not worth it.

Ginformation Wed 01-May-13 14:31:56

LemonB of course you are right

dreamingof not much travelling involved, I like the idea of neutral territory maxPep- maybe a walk or someting instead of having to sit round a table together

TSSDNCOP grin v tempting also...

diddl Wed 01-May-13 14:33:59

I woudn't go-life's too short imo!

Your husband can catch up with his brother & your son can be spoiled by his GPs!

Re the wedding dates-did your husband tell you that it was the same date as his brother's?

Ginformation Wed 01-May-13 14:36:23

diddl dh didn't have a clue when their wedding date was, they didn't even tell anyone they were getting married at the time, they told the family after their honeymoon.

NotSoNervous Wed 01-May-13 14:40:29

Tbh I wouldn't bother. If it was something DH really wanted to do and make an effort then I would do it for him but if he doesn't want to then I'd just forget it

ENormaSnob Wed 01-May-13 15:13:20

I would go and give nob head sil the evil eye all day.

TooExtraImmatureCheddar Wed 01-May-13 15:49:33

I would go and have a great time talking to everyone else. In a big party you can just ignore one person and it's not noticeable. Unless it's a formal sit-down dinner. How many people would be involved and what are the chances that you'd have to say more to her than 'hello'?

TooExtraImmatureCheddar Wed 01-May-13 15:51:20

Sorry, just re-read the OP. I see your DH has vetoed the big get-together. Thing is, it would actually be harder in a small gathering.

starfishmummy Wed 01-May-13 16:00:31

Personally I wouldn't bother.

NotQuitePerfect Wed 01-May-13 16:05:24

Agree with Stepanie.

In my experience, you can never win with people like your sil.

Probably because there are too many people, like me, who just won't stand up to them blush so they always get their own way & control every situation as everybody else carefully tip toes around trying not to upset them angry.

Have a nice day doing something for yourself, & see your pils another time.

seriouscakeeater Wed 01-May-13 16:23:04

YABU your DH clearly knows what the situation is and is against it. He probably knows though his brother that SIL is still pissed off and dosnt want to know.

I wouldn't put my son or my self in the situation where there would be hostility just for the sake of showing them your son. Do you even know that SIL would want a reconciliation? Why would you want to prove an example to your son, when they have shown no interest before?

TBH I would be pissed off if my BIL/SIL got married on my wedding day too, it seems as though it couldn't be helped and she behaved badly over it. I'm surprised though that NO one in the family new the date to send anniversary cards or any thing...

stay away, let them have their little reunion so it doesn't turn in to the '^gin and sil^ will they wont they punch each others lights out match. Let them see family in peace you already high jacked wedding day, don't turn this in to about you as well! You can see the family when ever you want.

If your desperate for them to be in your sons life, I certainly wouldn't use the reunion, all you need to do is talk to Dh and get him to sound DB out.

sue52 Wed 01-May-13 16:38:02

Why do you want this unpleasant woman in your son's life? If your DH wants to go on his own then let him but I would keep your DS away from SIL unless she apologises for her past behaviour.

oldwomaninashoe Wed 01-May-13 16:55:50

No I think the OP should go with her DH and son and ignore any snide comments tantrums if they arise.
If SIL behaves badly she only shows herself up, wheras you show yourself to be the bigger person. Don't let yourself be affected by her, turn the other cheek if she starts.
You never know after 3 years she might want to sweep it all under the carpet and pretend it all never happened.
If you don't go it looks like you are the one bearing a grudge. If she starts being "difficult" then you have every good reason never to repeat the experience.
Go but keep your cool and be friendly and pleasant with everybody, as I said don't let her presence bother you.

thebody Wed 01-May-13 17:02:27

If you could take her down in a fight then by all means go.

Seriously, I would go and do what others have said, be polite but not friendly, moral high ground and chat to in laws and everyone else. But her.

If she starts to act up go over to in laws and say you have to leave now as sil obviously having another tantrum and as an adult this bores you.

seriouscakeeater Wed 01-May-13 17:17:43

I just don't understand why OP would go to a reunion that's actually for SIL/BIL when they don't like her?? DH knows whats going on that's why he said no. Why go and start taking the moral high ground?? Why even bother?? FFS they live in another county let them visit their family in peace.

Its kinda like going to a party in honour of some one when they hate you??! She can see the family any time she wants. She just doesn't want to miss out and I think she is using her son as an excuse.

StephaniePowers Wed 01-May-13 17:20:05


A few years ago I would have said exactly the same
But experience tells me that although your reply is very reasonable, people like that SIL are not reasonable and they don't appreciate other people's good intentions.
It is so very likely to be a waste of the OP's time and mental energy. Everything will be either the same or worse afterwards.
The OP doesn't have to look like 'the one bearing the grudge' basically she's low in the SIL's estimations whatever she does, so what's the point in trying to seem lovely and unflappable when the other person is frankly a shit?

StephaniePowers Wed 01-May-13 17:22:42

WIsh I'd had such a clear heads up from my in laws by the way.
Mine have taken years of lukewarm pissing me about to make it clear they don't think I'm all that. hmm Your SIL has at least saved you that hassle.

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