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AIBU?

To want my 20 year old son to get out of bed & go back to Uni?

46 replies

themidwife · 17/04/2013 16:26

He's 20, he was due back at Uni last weekend, he is still at home, sleeping all day & on his computer & cooking chips all night. I keep coming home from work in the afternoon & HE'S STILL IN BED! GRRR!! We had a huge row earlier - I was called out at 7pm last night - go back at 2am, slept for a few hours & went back to work for a couple of hours. Went home again & he was STILL IN BED!!

OP posts:

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teenagetantrums · 17/04/2013 16:32

turn of the wifi, and dont buy any food for him to eat, if i was you i would take the router out when i left home, he will soon get bored..have youtold him to leave?

usualsuspect · 17/04/2013 16:33

Why didn't he go back to university?

ginmakesitallok · 17/04/2013 16:36

He needs to go back. Dp is a uni lecturer and I am amazed at how few students turn up for lectures, tutorials etc and are surprised when they fail.

Rootatoot · 17/04/2013 16:36

No great advice but as a PT lecturer, I suspect he's not the only one. 9 out of 16 students bothered to turn up to my friday class last week and it was a v important class covering essential info. They'll be panicking this week no doubt. ARGH!

Doubt it'd have any effect to relay to him, but it seems to me the foreign students have a much better work ethic than many of our home-grown kids unfortunately. Not sure where it's going wrong.

Obviously you have to be a bit careful that he's not depressed or having other issues at uni that is stopping him wanting to go back though. If it is just laziness, then turning off wifi would probably do it as previous poster suggests!

DontSHOUTTTTTT · 17/04/2013 16:45

It is tricky when they are so called adults. Are you paying anything towards his studies? Does he pay you and help when he is at home?

If you are helping him financially then you are still entitled to 'parent' him to some extent. I would stop doing things for him (washing/cooking/shopping etc) and I would do lots of noisy hoovering right outside his bedroom door.

Rootatoot · 17/04/2013 16:49

Oh yes, and I'll be reminding my students that there is a financial cost if they fail a year/module and have to end up retaking it. About £1000 per module I believe. Worth checking.

GreenEggsAndNichts · 17/04/2013 16:52

Remove the router from the house. No wifi and he'll get bored quickly.

Fairylea · 17/04/2013 16:59

Why doesn't he want to go back to uni? Is there an underlying reason- money, finding it too hard, girls etc ?

If he's very very unhappy suggest he leaves and gets a job as if he's not at university he will have to pay you rent right? (Might give him a reality check).

Remove WiFi router when you leave the house and hide it when you are there.

Don't offer him any financal incentive or help whilst he is at home.

themidwife · 17/04/2013 17:00

He has decided he's leaving at the end of the year because it's boring & he's sick of having no money. I don't give him any money because I'm on a low income & have 3 other DCs & as a result he gets a bursary & fee reduction but I also don't expect any housekeeping in the holidays. He could easily work to earn some cash but just games & sleeps instead.
I want to sleep all night without being woken up by cooking & doors opening & closing. I want to wake up & find my kitchen how I left it the night before! My DD is only 3 so I'm up by 7 every morning anyway. Knackered!!!

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ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 17/04/2013 17:15

I think you need to only have the most basic food available - no snacks or treats and disconnect the wifi when you're not there. Hell, take the plug off the bloody tv and take the phone handset to work with you if you have to!

Either he studies or he works. They should be his choices. If he's not happy at uni then of course he should leave. uni isn't the be all and end all. But loafing about is not acceptable.

teenagetantrums · 17/04/2013 17:37

so are you going to turn the internet off during the day? stop giving him food? why are you letting him sleep . wake him up , get him out of bed, its your house your rules...

Dahlialover · 17/04/2013 17:42

I have one of those.

I bring him a glass of water (doesn't drink tea or coffee) and say "good morning" nice and cheerily and open the curtains and tell him what a lovely day it is. I also give him nice and reasonable lectures on how it is a good thing that he is resetting his body clock and that he obviously needs lots of sleep so should go to bed earlier, as there are only 24 hours in a day and if he needs to sleep for 9, he needs to go to bed after 15 hours..........

He still sleeps in, doesn't go to bed etc but has gone back to uni (and to resits) (sigh)

usualsuspect · 17/04/2013 17:45

I don't think you should stop feeding him TBH.

Tell him to go back to Uni or get down the Job centre.

themidwife · 17/04/2013 17:48

He's packing!!!!!

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DizzyPurple · 17/04/2013 17:59

I've got one too! My dd wants to give up Uni, ideally I think she should continue and at least complete this year but she wants to stop now with some work unfinished. She is away at Uni and knows she'll get minimal financial support from us if she leaves Uni but she wants to stay in the town where she is studying. After endless discussions over a very long period of time it's sinking in and she is applying for jobs. As someone said, leaving Uni is not the end of the world but she's not allowed to just be a blob! She can come home but she wants to away there.
Yes, it's frustrating at times. When here she'd like to stay up all night and stay in bed all day so I send dd (3) in bright and early to wake her up! My dh is fond of the hoovering outside her door trick. Could be why she wants to stay away!!
I feel your pain..

Midlifecrisisarefun · 17/04/2013 19:14

Ask him what his plans are, where he will be living, and give him a bill for his 'stay'...its either study or pay own way. He IS an adult.
I really don't understand why 20yr olds are treated like children. I told student loans this when they couldn't make up their mind whether DS was an adult or child.

andubelievedthat · 17/04/2013 19:35

fed up having no money ??? perhaps tell him if he gets any job without very good qualifications ,wage will not be enough to pay 4 what u are at present, supplying him with ,free.Then there are the holidays /car/partner to pay for ! he sounds like he needs a reality check.when i suggested to my father i leave uni, he took me in car to a place at outskirts of town where i kid u not ,was a total shithole ,and he says " fine, leave uni if u think living here is a fab idea,because if u leave, you have to get a place of your own and here is where you will end up" (got my degree !)

KittyAndTheFontanelles · 17/04/2013 19:44

Hi themidwife . I've just noticed your thread. Is the chip chef really packing? Have you run out of chips?

Seriously, are things ok?

themidwife · 17/04/2013 19:45

He has gone!!!

The trouble is he took 2 years out after A levels to work & went from technical support assistant to systems manager in an IT company within 9 months & was earning £50k a year. But he was bored & lonely cos all his mates were at Uni & he was living here in a tiny rural town.

So he's used to having money. He saved up £15k for his first year's fees & halls. It was brave to leave his job & try it & I understand why he wants to leave. He will hopefully get his old job back or similar but I still don't want him to just come back here & sleep all day for months on end until he can be bothered to sort it out.

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themidwife · 17/04/2013 19:46

Hi Kitty yes he's gone now on good terms but I'm dreading the end of June when he leaves Uni for good!

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KittyAndTheFontanelles · 17/04/2013 19:51

Ah but by the time he's finished he won't want to come home to mummy hopefully

He'll want a bachelor pad if he knows what's good for him

Glad you are on good terms.

squeakytoy · 17/04/2013 19:51

"The trouble is he took 2 years out after A levels to work & went from technical support assistant to systems manager in an IT company within 9 months & was earning £50k a year. But he was bored & lonely cos all his mates were at Uni & he was living here in a tiny rural town!"

If he was earning so much, why did he not just move to somewhere else?

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thecatfromjapan · 17/04/2013 19:52

Out of interest:

Someone told me that the rules have changed a bit.

You now no longer get a student loan for a second degree, or even a second attempt at a degree.

That means that if you drop out of a degree, and you decide to go back, years later, you'll be paying for attempt no. 2 with cold, hard cash. A not inconsiderable sum to have sitting around in a bank account these days. Equivalent to a house deposit, really.

Is that true?

Or is it only for people wanting to say, get a degree in maths, when they had an original degree in French?

Does anyone know?

HousewifeFromHeaven · 17/04/2013 19:53

He gave up a 50k a year job??

thecatfromjapan · 17/04/2013 19:53

... unless you are poor enough to be in receipt of benefits, or doing something like a PGCE?

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