To be furious with dh trying to force me to be honest with my dm?

[lecce]

We had ds1?s first parents? evening at his new school this afternoon. I have been anxious about how well he has settled in (Y1 ? we have moved) and was left feeling a little deflated as the teacher was a bit vague. Not in front of ds, I told dh I felt it had been ?the usual bollocks?. He didn?t agree but we had no time to discuss it as I had to take ds to his drama class.
My mum is staying with us as dh (sahd) is having an MS relapse. When I got in and had put ds to bed, my dm asked me how the parents? evening had gone and I said, ?fine thanks.? Dh immediately pipes up, ?why are you lying? That?s not what you said to me!? I am livid. My dm was embarrassed, as was I. I would probably have told her my views later but I have been rushing around since 5am (like every other day), it was 8pm, I?m tired, I want time to think over what was said and discuss it with the twat himself before having to explain it all to someone else ? I just haven?t the energy. Why can?t he just respect that?
He used to do this a lot (pull me up on euphemisms/white lies in front of our families) but I have made my views clear and it?s less often now, but just as annoying when he does. We are all having a tough time, but it?s no excuse. My dm is here to help and he has made her feel awkward ? I can?t bear to look at him.
He has just come in the kitchen (dm in sitting room) and still won?t apologise. Apparently, it is his business as she was asking both of us. Fine, but he apparently did feel the parents' evening went fine, so where was the issue?
AIBU?

[lecce]

Fuck, sorry about the paragraphs - having problems posting.

[PurpleBlossom]

OP obviously you are feeling a bit stressed out atm but I do think you are being a little bit precious.

I don't read it as him 'pulling you up' on a lie, but more just wanted to discuss it?

YABU, sorry. Have a

[GrendelsMum]

I agree with PurpleBlossom - it sounds like you've got an awful lot on your plate at the moment, you're upset and worried, and your feelings are maybe more about that than about one particular thing he said this evening.

[squeakytoy]

Sorry but you do sound unreasonable and unfair on your DH too.. he was being honest.

[HumphreyCobbler]

I think saying "Why are you lying?" is rather aggressive and would have upset me too. I know someone who does this and it IS embarrassing to witness. If it was his business too he could have shared his impressions with your Mum without accusing you of lying.

[akaemmafrost]

I think he sounds bloody annoying. As you say it appears to be a regular thing and I would be angry and tell him so. It's clear you didn't want to share it with your Mum at that time BECAUSE you said that to her. If had an issue he should have asked when you were on your own. He must KNOW how embarrassing that is but wants to put you on the spot. Odd and aggressive if you ask me.

[claudedebussy]

i don't think yabu. sensitive yes but i do similar things. therefore you are clearly not bu

i say 'it's fine' when i just don't want to discuss it, and occasionally my dh puts me in an awkward spot.

a while ago i was feeling really sick and didn't want to go to the il's for a meal. every time i go i end up doing a lot of the cooking and an awful lot of helping out. no problem - i enjoy it. but i knew that i'd feel like i had to contribute even though i was sick. so i told this to dh. obviously he'd just tell his mum i was ill, right? oh no. 'claude is worried she'll have to do lots of work when she's feeling ill. she wants to stay at home and rest and get better.' so now my lovely mil will think twice before she asks me to do something, which means i'm going to have to do even more work to compensate. grrrr

so you are nbu, and totally reasonable and your dh should know by now. why does he have to put you on the spot in front of other people? why not just wait until you're alone?

[Confuseddd]

Yanbu from my point of view as he could have quite easily stated his OWN opinion but instead chose to ask you, 'why are you lying', which is rather an odd (and aggravating) phrase to choose. I probably would have been annoyed.

Was he brought up to be painfully honest about everything. Does he worry about 'covering up'? Ask him at a later date.

I think he has created unnecessary drama here, but I'd let it go if I were you.

[fryingpantoface]

I think he sounds U.
It was harsh of him

[DontmindifIdo]

Yep, he was being an arse and sounds like he was trying to cause a fight.

[teatrolley]

Does he have no social skills?

[WeAllHaveWings]

tbh I wouldn't like the "white lies" either, would prefer to be honest and say something like "not as we expected, can we talk about it later after I've...................". If you dm was asking both of you how it went its not fair for you to tell a "white lie" and expect him to play along without any warning. If its something you do a lot (as implied in you OP) I would find that quite stressful and uncomfortable.

On the other hand, he was a bit blunt in handling it in front of your dm.

so maybe you are both being a little tiny bit unreasonable

[blonderedhead]

I don't think you're being U. Your DP should ask out of earshot if he didn't know why you'd told your DM something different. If you'd said it was brilliant, amazing, he's top of the class I could understand why he might query it in surprise but a noncommittal 'fine' would say to me, she doesn't want to discuss it, must ask later if everything's ok.

It does sound like life is quite stressful and it's reasonable to want your partner to support you.

[mrsbunnylove]

is he an aspie? if so he won't really understand about lying for convenience.

[SirBoobAlot]

He was a bit harsh to pull you up quite like that, but can understand why he did; why did you need to lie? If someone was lying constantly in front of me, it would grate on my nerves too.

[BerthaTheBogCleaner]

"Fine thanks" in answer to "how are you" or "how was your day" or "how did it go" doesn't mean "yes everything was lovely". It means "I'm politely replying to you but I don't really want to go into details". No?

If you'd said "oh yes they think he is a genius and everybody loves him" that might be lying. Or "it was fantastic they told us everything we needed to know". But "fine,thanks" is just a non-committal, lets not talk about it kind of answer, isn't it?

[SanityClause]

No, it was rude of him. Married couples should present a united front to the rest of the world - the wrangling happens in private.

[quesadilla]

I can really relate to this: I come from a family where people are uncomfortable being very direct and DH frequently pulls me up on this. I can see that he us often right in principle but It really goes against the grain for me and for my parents and I sort of feel its up to me to choose the right moments to be upfront about things. I think your DH should probably have raised it with you but the moment he chose was tactless. I suspect he probably wants to force the issue because he fears you would just let it slide and not really deal with it. Perhaps you should talk about having a quid pro quo where he agrees to let you raise things like this in your own time but you in return promise you will actually discuss them with family members rather than kicking them into the long grass.

[aquashiv]

Parents evening can be vague and its really hard sometimes you just want to know whats going on.
I would not say any one is unreasonable just tired/tackless/worried.
Loads of things going on for both of you.

[teatrolley]

It's not 'lying'. She didn't say 'It went really well!' It's normal adult behaviour.

When someone says, 'How are you?' you don't say, 'Well, actually, I'm quite sexually frustrated at the moment' or 'I think DH and I need to go to Relate.' You say fine.

[lecce]

Thank you for all responses.

I am still pretty cross with him but he is now trying to turn it into a joke and I'm just not seeing a funny side.

I can see the point about him not wanting to lie, but we really are talking minor 'social' lies here. Like me saying, "Oh, this is nice soup" to someone who had made it and him saying, "You told me you didn't like soup." I don't see the need for honesty at all costs - people's feelings and desire to keep stuff private are important too, imo. I think he's rude.

[Andro]

He was insensitive at best.

Just out of curiosity, is he worse wrt things like this when he's relapsing? I have memories of my uncle having Jekyll and Hyde mood swings, picking on anything he knew anyone found irritating and blaming everyone and everything but himself when having an MS attack.

MS is an absolute b of an illness, I feel for you and your dc.

[StuntGirl]

By the sounds of things he's deliberately pulling you up on things to make you uncomfortable. Does he have no social skills at all? Is he that brutally honest himself to others?

[Iheartpasties]

he did it in a rude manner, not really necessary.

[Iheartpasties]

but I don't think you needed to be furious! that's also an over reaction.