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DH smacked his friends wifes bum.

(120 Posts)
Jelly15 Sun 09-Dec-12 17:56:19

We were in a crowded pub last night and his friends wife pushed passed him on her way to the loo, he then smacked her firmly on her bum. I saw this and I was sitting a few tables away. I was fuming and I didn't want to make a scene and gave him a filthy look. Half an hour later we left.

I told him (shouted) I was shocked and upset. He apololgised but thinks I am over reacting. I told him it was completely inappropriate behaviour for a married man and I would have been upset if a male friend did that to me too. He replied, " It's only J for heavens sake."

I am sure as anyone can be that he wouldn't cheat on me but I think that flirty behaviour is wrong and I am upsest. Do you think I am being unreasonable about it?

diabolo Wed 19-Dec-12 18:01:52

My BIL does it to me. I don't like it.

I don't understand why he does it.

I might kick him in the balls next time wink

SantasNaughtySack Wed 19-Dec-12 17:45:50

Both DH and I are bum smackers, but only to friends who are also the same way inclined grin
But if it's something that bothers you, then your DH should not do it, or argue once you've told him you're upset.

LalyRawr Wed 19-Dec-12 15:55:38

I spoke to DH and in our group of friends it would be more likely for DH to slap the husbands arse!

I really wouldn't be cool with him slapping my best friends backside. To me it would be like groping her tits or me grabbing her husbands dick.

(Just to reiterate, to ME it would be the same, not saying it would be for everyone.)

Spuddybean Wed 19-Dec-12 15:42:04

i would say it depends on the dynamics of the friendship. It wouldn't bother me with someone DP knew really well. i would do it to some of my male friends and not others.

jessjessjess Wed 19-Dec-12 15:36:30

YANBU. That is intruding on someone's personal space to an unacceptable degree, even if she finds it sexy or flirty when her own partner does it it's not okay for a married man to do it.

If my H did this, I would be livid.

ArbitraryUsername Mon 10-Dec-12 15:55:42

Given that the OP says the first incident was 20 or so years ago, it's probably reasonable the her DH had forgotten all about the row after the first incident. But she's still not unreasonable to be annoyed that he did it (especially if the woman whose arse he slapped wasn't impressed). He should definitely have apologised. First to the woman and then to the OP for embarrassing her.

Some people do have very odd ideas about personal boundaries though. I was in a John Lewis cafe once with DH and the kids. We were getting ready to go. I was standing putting on my scarf and DH was herding the kids away from the table. Some totally random man put his hands on my waist as he squeezed through the gap between tables. I nearly jumped out of my skin and must have looked totally mortified. I didn't say anything to DH because I didn't want to cause a scene. But, in hindsight, I probably should have caused a scene. I just can't understand how anyone could think that was alright, but clearly that man felt it was ok (or perhaps that he is entitled to touch any women any way he pleases). Horrible.

I've also had my arse grabbed by strange, letcherous men as I tried to walk through a crowded pub to go to the toilet. I was not impressed and got the bouncers to chuck the bastard out.

That said, I can see how it's fine within the boundaries of some personal relationships. I'm just not sure how you ever get to the point of knowing its fine to slap someone's arse (when you're not in a sexual relationship with them).

SleighbellsRingInYourLife Mon 10-Dec-12 12:24:00


I was just countering the argument that the benefit of hindsight would stop him next time.

He had the benefit of hindsight this time and it didn't help.

I didn't say she should LTB, just that I would be beyond embarrassed if my husband behaved in this way.

ENormaSnob Mon 10-Dec-12 12:16:22

I wouldn't be best pleased tbh.

It's sleazy.

StrawberryTot Mon 10-Dec-12 12:13:29

I think it completely depends on the context and the friendship. I have a group of very close friends I share with my dp and none of us are adverse to a cheeky slap on the arse smile

VoiceofUnreason Mon 10-Dec-12 12:12:04

Sleigh - "he still did it again". TWENTY YEARS LATER!! We're not talking regular occurrence here. You'd probably advocate leaving the bastard if he left the toilet set up again when it was the first time he'd done it in 20 years.

SleighbellsRingInYourLife Mon 10-Dec-12 12:03:22


"Sleigh - really? I know what the boundaries are with my friends."

You (think) you know what the boundaries are with your friends, but you can't seriously be arguing that everyone does, or that those boundaries are never overstepped?

I'm sure most of us have met more than one individual in our lives that either don't understand or don't respect expected social boundaries.


"With benefit of hindsight I suspect he wouldn't do it again."

You suspect wrong.

Even with the benefit of hindsight of the row he caused last time he did this, he still did it again.

Pendeen Mon 10-Dec-12 12:00:37

OP, YANBU because that is the relationship you have with your DH I cannot argue, however I personally would not be offended if I had been the friend's wife.

I wouldn't consider that act, in those circumstances, to be "sexual assault."

Latara Mon 10-Dec-12 11:11:21

I would have smacked his face, or better still thrown my drink at his groin so it looked like he'd had a slight accident. That's a reasonable response IMO.


MistletoeAndTomHardyPlease Mon 10-Dec-12 11:07:48

My sister laughs.

It's a long running joke.

She does it to him too.

MrsBethel Mon 10-Dec-12 10:18:00

Yeah, bit of a twattish thing to do, and he probably knows it. He knows you didn't like it. With benefit of hindsight I suspect he wouldn't do it again.

Now let it go.

Kendodd Mon 10-Dec-12 10:08:31

Does he not realise that there are parts of other peoples bodies that it's just not appropriate to touch, unless you have to.

Sunnywithachanceofshowers Mon 10-Dec-12 10:01:55

So would I donnie. My friend has more restraint than I do!

Kendodd Mon 10-Dec-12 10:01:31


Also shock that so many think it's ok.

I would be fuming, shocked and humiliated if somebody did that to me. I can't imagine in a million years my DH would ever do anything like that, I would be speechless if he did. Maybe that's just my social circle though.

donnie Mon 10-Dec-12 09:49:58

if a 'friend' of my dh slapped my arse I would punch him in the face. Truly.

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Mon 10-Dec-12 09:46:51


It is not a respectful act and it does have a sexual connotation.

Otherwise men would be happily slapping each others' bum firmly to show that they are friendly.

Sunnywithachanceofshowers Mon 10-Dec-12 09:46:10

I can understand why you're upset OP, especially if it's happened before.

My DH got drunk once and smacked my friend's arse. She gave him a proper telling off, and told me about it later. I was mortified, and so was he - he realised he'd been hugely inappropriate. He's never done anything like it again.

VoiceofUnreason Mon 10-Dec-12 09:37:04

Sleigh - really? I know what the boundaries are with my friends.

SleighbellsRingInYourLife Mon 10-Dec-12 09:30:45

"we're talking about friends who have known each other (presumably) for some time and know what boundaries there are."

Sorry, but that doesn't follow.

People can be friends for a long time (do we even know how long this man has been friends with the husband of the woman he smacked?) and not understand boundaries.

Women, in particular, often feel under a lot of pressure not to complain about this kind of boundary crossing.

Because it is apparently "just a joke", women are not allowed to complain.

A lot of sexual assault goes on under the "it's only a bit if a laugh" cloak.

VoiceofUnreason Mon 10-Dec-12 09:26:41

diddl - I'm making no excuses. But I'd say more affairs go on in the theatre than in other work places. The close proximity of actors out on the road and being away from partners for weeks, often months on end, happens a heck of a lot. I am not saying this is right, of course, just an observation. These women I mentioned earlier who happily shove blokes' faces in their cleavage - no one bats an eyelid in the theatre but they damn well would in an office or school or middle of Tesco!

SleighbellsRingInYourLife Mon 10-Dec-12 09:25:50

"Several of them took the opportunity throughout the run at this point to pinch my bum - the audience couldn't see it, but they felt it was "in character" to do so. I should obviously have them all arrested for sexual assault."

That sounds very unpleasant.

I'm sure you don't feel able to make a complaint of sexual harassment, but that is certainly what it was.

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