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to be fecking sick of people telling me 'just tell him to...'

(122 Posts)
Leonas Wed 14-Nov-12 21:12:25

My DP does sweet FA in the house and takes very little responsibility for anything at all. Friends keep telling me 'Just tell him you are not doing it anymore', 'Just telling him to do it himself' etc etc. Do they not realise that after 7 years I HAVE TOLD HIM THIS!
It has no effect. I tried not doing housework but cave and do dishes when I am forced to eat my cereal out of a cup/ have so much ironing needing done the cupboard I stuff it in wont close anymore etc.
I keep hearing 'I wouldn't stand for that' as if I am chosing it and don't mind - just pisses me off that people seem to think I want to be made to feel like a dick for 'letting' him not do any housework sad

cheekydevil Wed 14-Nov-12 21:15:08

Ok. I feel your pain (in the arse) he obviously has some redeeming behaviour too as you are still with him?

Justforlaughs Wed 14-Nov-12 21:15:59

The whoole point about "telling him" is that you have to follow it through. There's no point in "telling him" until you are blue in the face and then caving in. You can either try washing up one plate and then using it yourself, you can live with him as he is or you can leave. Realistically, after 8 years he isn;t going to change unless you MAKE him do so, and frankly, Good Luck with that. (Have some flowers and a glass of wine grin thanks wine)

OpheliaPayneAgain Wed 14-Nov-12 21:16:17

Do yours not his. It's not like he's going to wear your irnnd blouses and skirts )(hmm may be he mingt grin)

Wash your own plate to use.

OovoofWelcome Wed 14-Nov-12 21:16:54

How about going and buying yourself a cheap set of crockery/cutlery. And a new laundry basket, just for you.

So cook for yourself, wash and use your utensils. Wash and iron your own clothes. If his clothes are everywhere, bag them up in a bin bag and shove them in the shed/under the stairs if they're bothering you. And see how he likes it after a while smile

OovoofWelcome Wed 14-Nov-12 21:17:49

X posts Ophelia!

BabylonPI Wed 14-Nov-12 21:20:33

You've got to stand strong if you really mean it.

Do YOUR washing and ironing, wash YOUR pots only, cook YOUR meals, you get the idea?

It may take a week or a month or maybe longer, but sooner or later he will shape up or ship out.

Will ever you cave in and go back on your word, he is playing you like a fiddle.
Say it, mean it and follow it through.

Good luck.

Shannaratiger Wed 14-Nov-12 21:21:03

My dp is exactly the same, although if I ask him to do washing up or peel veg he will!

hatesponge Wed 14-Nov-12 21:21:23

I think people who say the 'just tell him' thing have fairly malleable partners who they can have those sort of conversations with. Not everyone responds to being told to do XYZ.

My Exp did fuck all at home. I asked, I begged, cried, shouted, downed tools and it never made any difference. Unlike the OP's DH he had no other redeeming qualities (in fact quite the contrary) which is why he is now my Ex.

Since we split he has gone back to live with his mum where he doesnt have to lift a finger.

I suspect if we were still together he would do nothing, and in the unlikely event he meets a new partner in future, he will be exactly as lazy with her as he was with me.

FreudiansSlipper Wed 14-Nov-12 21:22:30

oh dear sad yes some just love to inform others how they would not put up with it blah blah but i am sure you never thought you would then somehow it happened do not give yourself a hard time we nearly all have put up with things we never thought we would do at some point in our life

what is the reason he is lazy or thinks it is women's work

i guess you have tried just doing what needs to be done for yourself

sometimes people will not change is the relationship good in other ways. you can not make people make lasting changes if they do not want to change is he bothered that it makes you so unhappy

Helennn Wed 14-Nov-12 21:22:51

I get what you are saying OP. My dh spends money on his hobby, even when we don't have it, and spends far too much time on said hobby - family time. I have been told to 'put my foot down' about it as though this hasn't crossed my mind. We have had so many rows about it that it really is patronising.

Unfortunately if push came to shove (ie its the hobby or me) I think said hobby would win, so it actually comes down to - is it worth leaving my marriage over? Sometimes, no amount of putting your foot down (ie trying to get him to do something he does not want to do) will work.

McChristmasPants2012 Wed 14-Nov-12 21:23:48

I wouldn't stand for it, If DH wouldn't do his share of the housework i would be telling him to move out and get his own place.

ItLooksLikeRainDear Wed 14-Nov-12 21:27:10

If he's not listening to you, I'd suggest you speak to him again & say if you are not prepared to pull your weight then pay for it... And get a cleaner.

mrskeithrichards Wed 14-Nov-12 21:28:34

I was in a similar situation. He wasn't totally useless but not up to par. Sometimes I would decide to suck it up, and get on with it, but this turned me into a stomping about huffing martyr.

All this huffing and stomping and puffing would culminate in an argument every few weeks. It would appear 'out of the blue' to him and a bit manic.

So one day we sat and calmly discussed the issue. I know - radical huh? I told him his behaviour was disrespectful. Every time he opted not to do something he was leaving it to me thus treating me like a maid. Apparently he genuinely hadn't seen it like that. I also stopped nagging and adopted a more matron like approach.

We're getting there and I know you'll get people with super efficient partners asking why you're with this man child and blah blah blah...

But dh and I moved in together straight from our respective childhood homes at 21. We'd both had it easy, him more than me though with a mum who still tidied his room. I at least knew how to work a washing machine! He renovated our first two homes in the space of 3 years. In that time I worked part time, he worked full time and rightly or wrongly I took on the majority of the domestic stuff.

LittleTyga Wed 14-Nov-12 21:31:56

Well you are choosing it aren't you? Because there are other choices - your life does not have to be this way if you choose for it not to be.

RandomMess Wed 14-Nov-12 21:34:08

Well you have the option to leave, I guess some people would leave though their partner not pulling their weight in the relationship.

littlemisssarcastic Wed 14-Nov-12 21:46:20

OP, If you don't want to hear your friends opinions on your domestic arrangements, why are you telling them what goes on in your house?

Of course your friends are going to make well meaning suggestions as to how you can motivate your partner to help out more. They see you are being treat with a lack of respect and don't like it I'd imagine.

I have a friend like this, and find it very difficult to listen to her. She will even smile and laugh as she catalogues everything her 'D'P refuses to do, yet if anyone suggests ways of improving the contribution her 'D'P makes in the house, they are met with a confused look and how XYZ couldn't possibly work on her 'D'P, and most of the time, there is absolutely no need for her to even mention him, if she doesn't want other people to know what is going on in her house.

For example, another friend of ours has just returned to work after ML, and friends DH is picking up the DC from CM twice a week. The put upon friend then just HAS TO say "My 'D'P would never pick up the DC from nursery, I have always had to be responsible", all said with a grin on her face.

Why, just why would you mention it?

If you don't tell your friends, then how do they know OP?

Meglet Wed 14-Nov-12 21:49:48

My XP wouldn't do anything either. He would step over his filthy work jeans and was incapable of moving them 6ft to the laundry basket and would put them on dirty on a monday. (although he had even worse qualities).

I am training DS up to be nothing like his father.

midseasonsale Wed 14-Nov-12 21:51:33

get him to pay for a cleaner three hours a week

Momsnatter Wed 14-Nov-12 21:53:56

Would people genuinely leave over this. i mean really - even if you have kids? OP i feel your pain, my DH is like this. He doesn't refuse to help point blank but it takes an awful lot of nagging. I wouldn't dream of leaving him over it though - unless it was part of a much bigger problem.
Also, I think it would be really petty and a pretty hollow victory to get my own way by having my own plate and laundry basket! How depressing (although this attitude is probably why i do 90% of the housework!)

LittleTyga Wed 14-Nov-12 21:55:48

I wouldn't have married him in the first place!

AnyFucker Wed 14-Nov-12 21:55:51

Is his arse stuffed with gold ?


LittleTyga Wed 14-Nov-12 21:56:49

And yes I would leave someone who thinks I'm some sort of skivvy put on this earth to clean up after him! Fuck him right off!

FreudiansSlipper Wed 14-Nov-12 22:05:21

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

WaitingForMe Wed 14-Nov-12 22:10:47

It was a contributing factor to me ending things with my ex and I wouldn't put up with it again. He valued his time over mine and himself over me.

It's not about housework, it's about respect.

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