To only want to collect and ferry my own kids around(73 Posts)
I have a good friend. She's always on standby for an emergency and I have only had to use her once or twice. I probably help her out more, because she works and I don't, so I tend to pick her little one up from school maybe once a week and I don't mind at all because she is a very kind and good person.
So much so that her other good friend often puts on her (although the friend does return the favours, so I guess they both benefit).
Trouble is, the friend, who I know a bit, has started asking me to help in non emergency situations and at first I kept saying yes and we have done at least one help for them once a week. Then I realised the favours weren't ever returned, no thank-yous, last minute requests by text for lifts or pick ups because she was stuck at the shops with her hubby etc.
Her kids are at junior and mine at infants. She has lots of friends in Junior whom she goes out with (we don't hang out) so I find it weird why she doesn't ask them, when she doesn't know me that well. She doesn't work, like me.
Her husband works away alot. She won't ask his (fit and healthy) MOm who lives opposite the school for help, either. She won't ask her husband to take the day off if it is something big (my husband has to book time off if necessary and I have had to call on the inlaws in the odd emergency).
Thing is, she just assumes I will help, maybe because our mutual friend is softer or maybe because she sees me helping our mutual friend - and I really don't want to anymore - unless it's an emergency, of course. I simply want to collect my kids and go home. Or, I wouldn't mind as much if the favours were returned.
By association of my kindhearted friend I feel I am now being put on by this other woman.
The one time she went on holiday with her hubby on term time and I was volunteered to help ferry the kids around etc. I wish somebody would help me out so I could go away.
Thing is how do I get out of it (at first, when I volunteered I didn't realise she would take advantage or not reciprocate the favours)? I've been told to say I am busy until she gets the message. But my kindhearted friend would know I am lying.
I have considered chatting to our mutual friend. But their friendship is much older than ours. Their families go out together. I don't think the mutual friend realises that I have never had any favours returned, and maybe if she did she would understand. I don't want to rock the boat.
Plus, I have some personal issues at the moment in my relationship, and I don't want the stress.
Next time she texts say, 'sorry I can't'
Then just point blank ignore the next text replying late at night with 'gosh just saw this message phone died'....keep it up, she'll stop.
What fuzzy said - ignore the texts, claim your phone was off or charging or dropped down the loo. She'll get the message after a couple of times.
I agree with the above replies. You don't need to give her a reason, just say that you can't do it. I bet the reason that her friends don't do any lifts are because she has taken advantage of them in the past so they don't offer to help any more.
Err I'm not seeing a problem here. Tell leech no. No excuses or apologies, just no, sorry I can't
Explain to kind hearted friend why you are saying no if you really feel you must.
End of problem.
I'm really sorry, but you are too nice and being taken for a total mug. Why do you have such a problem saying n?. Please do yourself a favour and just say you can't. This is SOOOOOOOO easy to solve. Can you not see that?
Thanks. Sometimes I forget what it's like to not be tied to this and assume this is the norm!
I'm going to try it this week (I've ignored a text which said 'by the way I may need you later in the week).
So when she asks to my face or by text I will be busy (which isn't a lie, as I am on standby this week to call on my Gran, who isn't well and may need me to go round). But even if that wasn't the case, I guess I do have to be busy - all the time - ! Thanks
'By the way I may need you later in the week'
Jesus wept, who does this woman think she fucking well is?
PS sometimes I said 'yes' because I knew it would help my put upon friend out. If I hadn't volunteered to help drive them to clubs yesterday, our mutual friend would have had six kids to look after in total (her own two, this woman's three and a random child who was friends with one of this woman's three!) and could not fit them in the car.
I worry about our mutual friend because she knew I had space in the car and it looked like I wasn't helping her out....
Text back saying you won't be available. Start as you mean to go on. DON'T BE SUCH A WIMP!
I know this probably seems like a complicated situation to you, but that is because you are a lovely person who worries about other peoples feelings. This woman is obviously not like you though and that makes things much simpler
Just stop helping, say no sorry that's not convenient. You don't have to give a reason but if you want to there are lots you can use...
You've got too much on
Your children need your full attention after school
Your DH is getting upset that you're being taken advantage of
You aren't sure of your plans so you can't commit to anything
You aren't feeling well and can't take on anymore
But again you don't have to give a reason if you don't want to. Don't worry about her feelings because she is clearly not worried about yours
Don't worry about your mutual friend, if it's too much for her she has the option of saying no
I have a friend who I met through our kids' mutual love of a martial art - they are the same age and the same grade. They encourage and motivate eachother. She does one drop/pick, I do one and we share the other. She's never late, her ds always has what he needs and tbh, it works like a dream.
I have another friend, however. Our sons do another sport together on Sundays. We're supposed to share that run. She's always late, kid never has the money he needs, he's forgotten his equipment and by and large, I seem to end up doing the 9am run - rather than the much later pick up.
Called a stop to 'friend b' and our 'arrangement'. It was a joke and I was getting mega pissed off. So I told her. She's a bit weird with me now "look at us both doing this drive to and fro, it's silly really" was what I got yesterday.
Tell her she's taking the piss, ignore her texts, send her a text - whatever you do just get rid of her. Trust me, it gets worse and worse.
Yy, I agree with other posters, say no, and ignore texts, you don't have to do this if you don't want to, and if she is not grateful/taking you for granted.
Just another thought, have you ever asked this woman for help, or have you waited for her to offer? Has she said no? Maybe she needs to be asked directly, she might be one of those people who is a little self absorbed, and wouldn't think to offer. If you do want some help, maybe ask for it.
If she has said no to you in the past, then I would def stop helping her.
Agree that is the rudest text ever, I wouldn't even ask my DH like that to collect my DS and he's the father, I ask nicely would you mind..... If its not his scheduled pickup and I need a favour - what a rude old bint
And you tell her, 'NO, I can't collect.' END OF! No 'sorry' or justifications.
Oh, just seen she has texted to say I might need you later on in the week. WTF, just say no! Unbelievable!
I definitely need to stop being such a wimp!
I really admire the woman who called friend 'b' to stop it.
I've not ever asked this other woman for help, so perhaps I am being unfair to assume she would say no.
My DH is also peed off with it all, because he also picks the kids up from one club of an evening, and yes, he has told me to say no, too!
Thanks - the responses show me that I am not being unreasonable to want out or to say no.
Who cares what she thinks? She doesn't pay your rent! Tell her NO. 'No, I can't do that,' until she bloody gets the message! Why get others to do it, you're the one being a mug.
Send her a text saying 'I may need you later on this week'. See what her response is!!
How rude of her, just say no sorry i can't. As Mumsnet the saying goes, no is a complete sentence
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