to not be speaking to DH?

[Convert]

Will try to keep this brief!

Have been a SAHM for nearly 6 years, kids 5, 4 and 1. DH works very hard. We have recently been finding money is a bit tight so we decided I would work for a couple of shifts in the pub/restaurant. I was supposed to do 12-9 on my first day yesterday but someone rang in sick so I went in at half nine instead to help out and worked short all day, very busy, really hard until 11pm with only a 15 min break to eat something.

I do 95% of housework, all cooking, all laundry etc which is fine. If DH comes home when DCs are still up then the house can be a bit messy sometimes. If after bedtime then I always make an effort to have all tidy and either we have a few drinks or I have a meal waiting.

DH was fantastic with DCs yesterday and took them out all day, didn't get back til 8 but when I got home, the kids coats and shoes etc were left where they'd taken them off on lounge floor, our bed was unmade, generally just he hadn't bothered tidying up.
I'm really pissed off because I came home after 13 1/2 hours working and had to start picking up after him.

So...he thinks I am being moany and pathetic and I think he is an inconsiderate pig, AIBU or is HBU??

[nkf]

Neither I'd say. It's just new to you both.

[diddl]

Well you didn´t have to start picking up tbh.

4&5 is also old enough to do stuff.

Coats on lounge floor?

What´s that about?

Don´t you have a hall where you take stuff off & hang it up as you get in?

What hrs does he work?

And only a 15min break-is that even legal?

[OHforDUCKScake]

I think you are being a bit OTT tbh.

Its the first time and you've gone off the handle straight away. My DP simply cant see what 'mess' Im talking about so I have to say 'While Im out could you...' And he does it no problem.

Hes not being a lazy git, he wants to help its just that I have to point out the obvious sometimes.

So let it go and as you go out the door just mention it briefly.

[Proudnscary]

He is, obviously. I work FT, dh is SAHD, AND do my fair share of domestic stuff. We respect each other and both pull our weight and appreciate what the other does.

But can I just say if you continue to say things like 'he was fantastic with the kids/house yesterday' you are perpetuating this ridiculous 'it must be commented on if men look after their own children and houses' crap. Or even worse men must be praised and admired for doing so. WTF?

My dh does all the cooking. I have lost count of the times friends or family have said 'Isn't he GOOD?' and I say 'What for cooking for his own family? Am I 'good' for working full time'?

[CailinDana]

Kiss and make up. This isn't worth getting annoyed over. As nkf said, this is new to both of you and you need to make your expectations clear to each other. Taking a one year old out all day till 8 is pretty heroic in my eyes but to do it with two other children in tow is pretty impressive. I wouldn't do it. Coats in the hall and general mess is annoying, but rather than kicking off about it just say that in future when you're working you expect the place to be kept tidy.

Making beds is a waste of time IMO. But I'm a slattern.

[diddl]

Well if everyone was out all day-how was there that much that needed doing?

But I bet when OP is at home with the kids-or out for the day, he doesn´t expect her to leave the bed unmade & there to be coats/shoes on the floor when he gets in.

[Ephiny]

It sounds like fairly minor issue tbh, are you sure you're not over-reacting a bit? Coats and shoes left on the floor - is that really worth falling out over?

(I never make beds either, don't see the point)

Is there more going on here that this 'incident' is just a proxy for?

[diddl]

Perhaps whether he was heroic for taking his 3 kids out all day depends on where he went?

He didn´t have to cook, maybe didn´t even have to entertain them, & he certainly didn´t have to think about housework!

[Convert]

When I said he was fantastic with the kids I meant that he went and got them costumes and took them out on a halloween walk thing and trick or treating with their cousins, I didn't mean he was fantastic just having them.

He works about 50 hours a week, but I really try to appreciate when he's had a long day. DH is the manager and we live in pub so the 15 min break didn't bother me, just to explain how hectic it was.

The stuff was on the floor as they got back late and went straight to bed, coat hooks too high for kids to reach.

I think DH knows that I don't like the house being messy and I'm not sure how he didn't notice that our bed hadn't been made etc.

[Convert]

Sorry, I am probably being unreasonable. Think I'm just a bit tired. the bloody baby is going through a stage of waking at 4/5 am.

He is generally a bit inconsiderate and it's probably just a general build up that leaves me feeling a bit unnoticed and unloved.

[omletta]

Love your final para Proudnscary, everything you say is spot on.

We both work FT, he cooks and I clean. I get really pissed off with the 'ohh isn't he good' comments - nobody ever commends me for how clean the loo is!

[Convert]

I think i feel like I think about him and try to do little things to be nice and he maybe doesn't. We decided to arrange a 'date night' once a month for each othwer. I took him to watch a local football team play because he used to go all the time. I organised babysitters and we went together and it was nice.
He didn't do one for me.

[diddl]

Well I think that not hanging the kids coats up/putting shoes away for them if they were too tired is just lazy tbh.

[CailinDana]

So it's not really about the coats and the bed, it's more about feeling a bit invisible?

[Proudnscary]

OK but would be say 'wow Convert was fantastic with the kids and took them out to get Halloween costumes'? Of course he bloody wouldn't.

You might think I'm being feminist for feminist's sake in a grumpy stylee but in my opinion things like this matter.

If you tell him or yourself or others that he is 'good' for simply doing stuff parents have to do then you are coming at this from a skewed angle and he will feel whatever efforts he makes are heroic and some sort of favour to you.

I don't think you're being unreasonable - he is not affording you respect or appreciating/realising what you do.

[diddl]

It´s not surprising so many men are so fucking useless is it-as nothing is expected of them.

bless them

[Convert]

Proudnscary but I think he did give the kids a really nice day and while he probably wouldn't think that if I did it, that's because I am the stay at home parent and I've been doing it for 6 years. It's quite easy for me but something different for him to be alone with all three kids for a day and I would expect him to be proud of me for doing something different yesterday and how hard I worked.
I think he is proud of how I am as a Mom in general, as I am proud of him working hard in general but I think when it's your taken role not every thing deserves praise like when it's a new challenge IYSWIM.

[CailinDana]

I think anyone who takes three children out for an entire day is pretty great, man or woman. I'm a wuss when it comes to these things though.

[Convert]

Maybe I am feeling a bit invisible. Thank you all for helping me get perspective on this.

[BalloonSlayer]

Well I have this rule that says the last one out of bed makes it. I think it is stunningly rude to have a lie in and expect the person who got up first to make the bed you have been wallowing in while they were up. And YES that applies of lie-ins of only 5 minutes. It's just manners.

So by my rules it doesn't matter who was WORKING, it's who got up last.

But the rest, YANBU to be annoyed, but there's no need to give the silent treatment. I'd be more "DH, when you get home from a long day the house is reasonably tidy. I don't expect miracles on my first day but I don't expect to have to pick up coats either."

[Proudnscary]

Convert - yes I take your point, but please do think about mine and diddl's. I think it's important. I guess you feel frazzled, under appreciated and invisible at the moment...[cuppa]. Do what BalloonSlayer says.

[Proudnscary]

Oops !

[BeeBawBabbity]

I'm with proud.

[Convert]

I do get what you mean Proud

DH has just come up to say sorry, I explained that I thought he didn't think about how I would feel about stuff and he has said he probably doesn't see things from my point of view. I feel much better now. I will also remember in true MN style to not 'praise' him for being a parent.