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Extended family gatecrashing my time with dh

(32 Posts)
NotGoing Sun 14-Oct-12 17:50:53

I've namechanged incase anyone I know sees this and I make a fool of myself.

Dh and I rarely see each other anymore due to the way we have to work and our relationship is suffering a little, I found a martial arts class that we could go to, as something we could do together, with no children around so we could start spending some time together.

I went to the first session and it was good, was looking forward to going again. The next week arrived and as the babysitter arrived (dh's teenage sister), one of his other sisters (aged under 10) also turned up wanting to go with us. I made my excuses that I was ill (which was true but I was going to "get over it" to have our childfree hour together) and didn't feel up to going. I didn't feel it would be the same having another child to be responsible for.

So we were supposed to be going today and then dh tells me that this week he will be taking 4 of his siblings with us and as there will be no room in the car I will have to be dropped off early and wait (for over half an hour) until the rest of them turn up. So I declined to go again and I told dh that I had wanted this to be our time together without any kids so having four of them there and me spending over half an hour sitting in a reception room on my own kind of defeats the object.

Dh says I'm completely unreasonable because it's not like we're going to be alone anyway as there will obviously be other people there. I can't make him see that it doesn't matter if there are other people there, but it does matter if there are kids we will be responsible for there.

So now I look like I'm jealous of his family and am probably cutting my nose off to spite my face by not going at all. I probably am being completely unreasonable but am I really so wrong to want to have something that is "our thing" and not want it gatecrashed?

GhostofMammaTJ Sun 14-Oct-12 18:09:33

You kind of are jealous of his family but perhaps not unreasonably so. Shame it has become everyone elses thing. I would say persevere in the hope they give up.

ENormaSnob Sun 14-Oct-12 18:14:15

Yanbu at all.

I would be very very pissed off.

I dont see how wanting an hour with your husband makes you jealous of his family.


missnevermind Sun 14-Oct-12 18:18:54

Also you are paying for a babysitter so that you can mind other children ?

ENormaSnob Sun 14-Oct-12 18:18:55

Who's idea was it that the kids go with you?

Why on earth would you arrange a sitter to then spend the time watching someone else's kids? hmm

McHappyPants2012 Sun 14-Oct-12 18:20:43

yanbu, it was meant to be a way for you and DH to spend together.

YouOldSlag Sun 14-Oct-12 18:23:57

YANBU. It has made your evening together into babysitting duty.

NotGoing Sun 14-Oct-12 18:28:56

We weren't paying the babysitter as we would only be gone an hour and she would have full run of the house, tv, computer, xbox, fridge etc but I did expect that we would need to return the favour obviously, but I didn't expect it to be at the very same time.

The kids asked to go themselves as far as I am aware and as we were going anyway it's only natural that MIL would ask if we would take them hmm.

When I pointed out that they are our responsibility when we're out he said they weren't going to cause trouble or anything so we wouldn't have to do anything. I can't explain why but I just don't feel that that's the point. If anything happened to them and accident, a minor injury or if they felt ill then we are the ones that have to deal with it. I don't want to be in parent mode for that one hour per week. I don't think that's so wrong.

ProPerformer Sun 14-Oct-12 18:32:54


boredandrestless Sun 14-Oct-12 18:33:49

Why would you get a sitter to go to an activity together only to take other kids with you?!? hmm

YANBU to be annoyed I would be too.

The kids asked, fine. DH should have said "I'm sorry but that kind of defeats the object of me and DW going, it was meant to be for us to spend some time together without the responsibility of having children with us, a bit of grown up time". It's not hard is it! Either he doesn't want to spend time just the 2 of you, or he feels he can put his family's feelings above his wife's feelings, making them the priority. Not on either way.

Yama Sun 14-Oct-12 18:34:00


I understand how you feel. Don't know what the answer is though if your own dh doesn't see it.

RandomMess Sun 14-Oct-12 18:37:25

I would start going to the pub instead grin

redwhiteandblueeyedsusan Sun 14-Oct-12 18:38:53


point out to him that you need time to relax doing couple stuff together without the responsibility of other peoples children, if he wants to do other couple stuff together grin

refuse any "advances" a couple of times and cite the fact that if he is not interested in spending time with you you arenot going to be in the mood...

watch those children get sent back to mil quick sharp.

(I have a 6 yearr old reading over my shoulder!)

ThreadWatcher Sun 14-Oct-12 18:40:19


You might as well ditch the babysitting arrangement and go with your own kids!

Going to karate is an activity date? Seems like a reasonable couple thing to want to do -ditch the kids! (a firm 'no' might be the only way)

SlightlySuperiorPeasant Sun 14-Oct-12 18:41:27

YANBU and I would tell your MIL that this is time for you to be together without children.

mynewpassion Sun 14-Oct-12 19:10:17

Maritial arts classes are not what I would class as alone time with my partner. You barely speak in the class. Grunts don't count as speaking. If the point was to see each other and not speak to each other, fine, then YANBU.

However, I don't think that was what you were aiming at. You would've been better off going for coffee instead.

ginmakesitallok Sun 14-Oct-12 19:32:09

YANBU - my DP used to work away and it felt as if all the little time he had at home was spent with his family/going out with friends and we had NO time together. It's the only time we've ever been close to splitting up - it was terrible. What saved us was a holiday away just to two of us and then he found a job back nearer home. Speak to your DP, get some time alone together. Good luck.

HecateLarpo Sun 14-Oct-12 20:07:51

"Yes there will be other people there, but they won't be with us. We won't be responsible for them or giving them lifts or having to pay attention to them. I just wanted one hour in the week where you and I are alone in the car, having a natter, are sharing an activity, having a laugh together and come home together. Instead, I now have to be dropped off early so you can taxi other people around, we'll be part of a group, responsible for young children and we won't have time or space to have fun doing something ^together, just the two of us. Which was the only reason I wanted to do the damned thing in the first place - to share an activity with you. Just you. I wanted to be close to you and have fun with you. Not swap our kids for someone else's."

RobynRidingHood Sun 14-Oct-12 20:13:16

refuse any "advances" a couple of times and cite the fact that if he is not interested in spending time with you you arenot going to be in the mood...

yes with holding affection is of course absolutely the best way to get your relationship on teack hmm

Sod the martial arts class, lock the front door, take the phones off the hook and go to bed. I don't think you'll have any family requesting to join in.

ImperialBlether Sun 14-Oct-12 20:15:48

What kind of world does someone live in where, when someone books a babysitter, they take advantage of that fact and ask you to take all their children out? It's OBVIOUS you want some time alone with your husband! I'm amazed your husband doesn't agree with you, frankly.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos Sun 14-Oct-12 20:17:05

YANBU. I completely understand what you're saying, but I think this is one of the classic differences between women and men and i can see how he thinks he's being completely reasonable. Good luck with trying to make him 'get it'.

NotGoing Sun 14-Oct-12 20:17:32

Ffs this just gets worse. Before he left we had an argument over the above situation. He was due back just after 7 but there's still no sign of him. He has no keys and no phone with him so can't get back in and I can't contact him.

I would love to lock him out and go to bed but I won't be able to go to work in the morning as there won't be anyone to look after the dc.

Hoping that by posting sod's law means he will knock on the door right

SparkyUK Sun 14-Oct-12 20:18:53

You ANBU but I think maybe neither is he as he probably didn't understand the point of the classes. It doesn't scream "date night" to me, and probably didn't to him either. Perhaps explain (again, sigh) why you wanted to go and give him a chance to suggest an alternative option?

hermioneweasley Sun 14-Oct-12 20:25:14

Sorry not going. Did he know that this class was supposed to be your time together? It doesn't bode well that he doesn't enjoy it as much as you.

I think you need to discuss when things are calm and explain that you need some couple time and talk about how you make that happen. Also (if this is what's happening) it's not ok for him to disappear sulking and uncontactable.

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