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in not allowing my ex to let my 5yr old daughter talk to her death row boyfriend on the phone

(116 Posts)
munkiboy1971 Wed 10-Oct-12 22:00:57

She's been 'involved' with death row inmates since we split 2 yaers ago. She's sent pictures of our kids to them before and I asked her not to involve them in her relationships before now but I recently found out that she was allowing our youngest daughter to talk to her latest squeeze when he calls (using his illegally held mobile phone which inadvertanly have been paying for with the money I give to her for the kids).
It creeps me out to know she's been doing this and I've asked for a signed letter to say she's not going to do it again.
She's a pretty fancy piece of work but I really don't understand how even she can possibly think that what she is doing is in any way right.

CaliforniaLeaving Wed 17-Oct-12 23:57:00

Well she can't move your kids to America without all appropriate visas and that means you signing paperwork to say you giver her permission to take your children.
You sound like a very caring Dad, I hope you get some answers.

happydotcom Wed 17-Oct-12 23:42:13

Did I read that right?????? 5 yrs old ?

IneedAsockamnesty Thu 11-Oct-12 21:16:34

munkiboy thats one of the best posts ive ever seen done by a nrp,i admire that greatly.

i have a sneeking suspision your kids are going to be ok with you looking out for them

munkiboy1971 Thu 11-Oct-12 21:15:07

I have no problem with people being critical of the way I've handled things, you are right, goodness knows I've been self critical enough, and continue to be. I am trying to learn from those mistakes though and I suppose that's what has really changed about me.

I just want the best for my kids, like all parents.

DameFannyGallopsAtaGhost Thu 11-Oct-12 20:55:42

Come on pixie - how many women on the relationship board are still waiting for their 'd' h or p to be add good as they want him to be? We're all guilty of being optimists from time to time, and every child makes it harder to draw a line and say 'enough'

munkiboy1971 Thu 11-Oct-12 19:25:02

You're right of course. I suppose I was constantly hoping she would get better, that I could somehow 'cure' her by being constant and adoring. I have obviously been very naive and have paid the price for that.

As for what has happened to the kids whilst I was getting back on my feet, as best as I could I've been their dad, I've seen them as much as I can, spoke to them on the phone as much as I can but obviously not done a particularly good job.

Don't get me wrong, I know I've made mistakes, the point is how to move forward, I've spent a great deal of time smashing myself to pieces about what has happened and that hasn't been very productive.

I don't regret, for one second, having my children, even if their mother is not ideal.

IneedAsockamnesty Thu 11-Oct-12 18:58:49

im confused, she was like this from the start but you had 5 kids with her? what on earth have your kids been doing whilst shes been being a crap mother and you have been spending 2 years getting back on your feet?

munkiboy1971 Thu 11-Oct-12 17:39:25

I really wish was a troll. As you can imagine its been very difficult for me, hence my inability to do anything about until now.
To answer your question about how long I've known what she's like I guess I'd have to say the signs were there from the start of our relationship. She said she'd been in a previously violent relationship which was probably true as the guy she was with sent her some pretty horrible texts when we were first going out (police involved). I knew she had been through a lot and was trying to show her that not all men were bad and that I loved her for her. She has always has a problem with lying, sometimes really silly little lies, sometimes whppers.
I naively thought that if I showed compassion, understanding and love that she wouln't feel the need to behave the way she did.

Eventually it wore me down though. I've had episodes of depression and been on medication for years. Only now am I able to cope with this situation without wanting to do something drastic.

I lost my job, my marriage, my house and I thought I would lose my children as they were talking about mum wanting to go and live in 'America'.

It's taken nearly two years for me to get back on my feet. I have ahouse a job and feel agreat deal better about myself in general.

As I have said, I really do wish this was all a load of bollocks. Sadly its not.

MikeOxardForHalloween Thu 11-Oct-12 16:55:12

Well I was going to say yanbu, but I take it from all the piss taking on here that everyone thinks you're a troll. I'm going to say yanbu anyway, since this thread has been pretty hilarious in parts. I liked the poem. I would like to believe the OP was not serious because that is clearly fucking terrible.

PickledFanjoCat Thu 11-Oct-12 16:20:39

Well lets keep positive. He also has a name so he wont have to walk up and down death row looking at their murderous members.

OhlimpPricks Thu 11-Oct-12 15:56:01

So, she has showed you a photo of his cock. You must still be fairly chatty then....

VinegarTits Thu 11-Oct-12 15:51:13

gosh how long into your relationship did you realise she was 'a fancy piece of work'?

or did she have a personality transplant after you split up?

imperialstateknickers Thu 11-Oct-12 15:41:37

Same here. Keep posting.

DameFannyGallopsAtaGhost Thu 11-Oct-12 12:32:58

Good luck smile

munkiboy1971 Thu 11-Oct-12 12:29:38

I know where he is, his name and even what his private parts look like(they like to share pictures of each other).
You are right that I should have thought about residency before now, I've just not been in the right place to be able to follow it through.

Sounds as though it's a legal approach I need. Thanks for the advice.

Lueji Thu 11-Oct-12 11:03:41

Well, the good thing is it's not likely the children will ever actually meet these men.

Do you think the conversations have been inappropriate?

If you know which prison he's in, or his name, then you could contact the US prison services about the mobile phone.

imperialstateknickers Thu 11-Oct-12 09:50:40


I've had a reply from my friend, text is below, with xxxx replacing names.

"Hi xxxxx

I appreciate your concern on this one! I don't know anything about the rules in the US but it does seem weird that these children are being expected to have contact with a person who is on death row! I would be concerned about the effect on the kids, for whom it will, to some extent be a loss when he is executed - and for her to be in a relationship that's going nowhere!
All very complicated.

In the UK prisoners can have phonecalls to their children and photos sent in, tho I'm not sure about other peoples children. The contact is only deemed inappropriate in the UK if the prisoner is a sex offender, has a history of domestic violence, or if his offence involves children.

I have talked with xxxx about it and we would suggest that you perhaps contact the Probation Service, who have all the information about offenders and links with Social Services, Child Protection agencies etc. They would probably know more than we do or have a link you could follow up.

Good luck - xxxxxx"

OwlLady Thu 11-Oct-12 09:10:28

^The Children Act 1989 sets out in detail what local authorities and the courts should do to
protect the welfare of children. It charges local authorities with the “duty to investigate … if
they have reasonable cause to suspect that a child who lives, or is found, in their area is
suffering, or is likely to suffer, significant harm” (section 47). Local authorities are also
charged with a duty to provide “services for children in need, their families and others”
(section 17). It is section 31 of the Children Act 1989 that sets out the NSPCC’s “authorised
person status” which means the NSPCC has the power to apply directly for a court order if it
believes a child is suffering or likely to suffer significant harm.
The Children Act 1989 defines “harm” as ill-treatment (including sexual abuse and nonphysical forms of ill-treatment) or the impairment of health (physical or mental) or
development (physical, intellectual, emotional, social or behavioural) (section 31). “Significant”
is not defined in the Act, although it does say that the court should compare the health and
development of the child “with that which could be reasonably expected of a similar child”. So
the courts have to decide for themselves what constitutes “significant harm” by looking at
the facts of each individual case^

OwlLady Thu 11-Oct-12 09:09:46

surely it's a safeguarding/child protection issue?

surely no mother in her right mind would let a vulnerable child talk to a criminal on death row??

BigBroomstickBIWI Thu 11-Oct-12 09:08:31

Are we being invaded by F4J again? This is the second very strange OP in the same number of days.

Nancy66 Thu 11-Oct-12 09:01:31

FSG - people fall for it every time.

LadyWidmerpool Thu 11-Oct-12 08:58:10

I think the can of worms is open and they are wriggling around all over the place TBH. Call a solicitor today.

imperialstateknickers Thu 11-Oct-12 08:37:48

OP I'm going to run your story past a friend of mine who works in the UK prison chaplaincy service. Don't expect a fast reply, but she may know a bit more about how the UK views this sort of thing. Meanwhile keep on with the stuff suggested already. ATB

fluffyraggies Thu 11-Oct-12 08:17:06

I'm surprised this isn't a child protection issue. It seem really obviously inappropriate to be involving children in a relationship like this. She is an adult and it's up to her who she spends her time on - the kids don't have that choice. It's very sad. And wrong.

OP - i haven't any better advice for you other than that which has been given already here. You need to get someone onside who has proper legal clout. They will advise on the abuse allegations against you as well.

Other than this issue, how is the rest of their lives with her? Is she a good mum other than this? (in other words is there any other issues you can use to get residency?)

Boomerwang Thu 11-Oct-12 07:37:31

I'm sure it's not hard to get hold of a mobile in a prison. They can get anything they want if they have something to trade, including from prison officers.

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