AIBU to want to talk to mother of boy having party on Sat night before I agree to my DS (14) going to it?

[bitweepy]

Just want to canvass opinion to see if IABU. DS (14) come home and said there's a party on Sat night for X's birthday (he'll be 15). This is first "proper" house party my DS has been invited to. I do not know the other boy and there appears to be only 1 other boy going that I have met. AIBU to want to check things out with the mother of the host - I want to be sure there will be adult supervision primarily, and that she is aware party is taking place, and really just want to check out the lie of the land IYSWIM. I knew first house party was likely to arise this year but could have done with a bit longer before having to face it - I suppose my main concerns are general silliness leading to daft/dangerous activities/alcohol/poss. drugs. I know I have to learn to "let go" within reasonable parameters but am not sure what is reasonable at this point! Any wise words of advice/views very welcome (am expecting a mixture of views, I think, but will at least help me to think it all through).

[bitweepy]

grr, should have proof-read, sorry, meant "came home"

[smoothieooo]

YANBU! I would do exactly the same thing. Is your DS afraid that you'll embarrass him by speaking to X's DM? I would absolutely make it a condition of him going...

[Moominsarescary]

I had a sleep over for ds when he was 14, surprisingly only one mum rang to check it out. I don't see any reason for you not to ring the parents

[FizzyLaces]

Hmmmm, have been through this myself recently. I didn't check with the parent but I did check with DD's friends' Mums. I also insisted on picking DD up at midnight. She and three friends called to be picked up at 11 as they were bored... And they all came back back and stayed over and only one was sick She is 15.

[scurryfunge]

That was always a condition of my DS attending any teenage house party. I wanted the landline for the parents so I could check they knew about it. Funnily enough some of these parties did not happen!

[cheekydevil]

YANBU, part of your job as a mother surely?

[OnTheBottomWithAWomansWeekly]

YANBU but you know that you will probably be told (by DS) you are the worst mum in the world/soooo embarrassing for asking, so stick to your guns!

DD is 15 and a good technique I find is that for every moan, or eye roll, I bring the curfew forward 15 mins. I've only had to do it a couple of times, it's brilliant!

Plus if she's with her mates and I'm doing a lift later, and they start that, she drags them aside immediately and tells them in a fierce whisper to shut up otherwise I'll make them come home early! I'm sure I've a rep as a right bitch but it's better than the constant moaning...

[Scholes34]

It's your DS you need to talk to. Even if there's adult supervision, you can't guarantee someone won't bring in vodka and the like in a soft drink bottle, or they get hold of alcohol through an older sibling before they get to the house party. My DD is 15 and seems very sensible. She's been at parties where alcohol has secretly been available, but so far she's managed to walk a fine line between being a total party bore and being ill. I've had long chats with her about the problems of knocking back spirits to get drunk quickly and told her that I wouldn't/couldn't do that. I started going to pubs when I was 16, but we stuck to beer and cider and seemed to run out of money before the amount of alcohol being consumed became a problem.

You do have to learn to let go, but you've got to talk to and trust your DS to be sensible and not rely on other adults to do that for you.

[LFCisTarkaDahl]

YANBU

If I hadn't done that then 14 year old dd would have been at a mixed sex sleepover with the parents 'supervising' from upstairs

[bitweepy]

Ooooh thanks MNetters, I knew I could rely on you for helpful advice/confirmation IANBU!! Scholes34 I entirely agree with your point and that will be my approach once I have taken a view on whether or not he's actually going!

[Scholes34]

Good luck, bitweepy. I don't relish having similar discussions with DS1 (almost 14). He's so much more immature than DD was at that age.

[LineRunner]

I agree with Scholes34. Good advice. It's the spirits and alcopops that the kids seem to have access to that worries me. Like her, when I was a teenager I would go out and our tipple was lager (lager and lime, how exotic!) and as we had about 50p each that was maybe two halves.

I would check the party exists, check the parent(s) aren't crackers, and have a good talk with DS about saying No to various stuff.

And I'm with Scurry about gettting a landline number.

[Scholes34]

I used to love Guinness and blackcurrant - very pink once poured. This should appeal to the girlie girls!

[LineRunner]

Boys/young men I knew back then used to be happy with lager shandy or lager top. A pint would last them all night!

[MaryZed]

Of course you talk to them, why wouldn't you?

I talked to everyone until dd was 16. I am the mother from hell

I had a rule - if she told me the truth, if I could talk to the parents, and if I could collect her myself she could go pretty much anywhere.

If I caught her lying, or going where I didn't expect her to go, or if she was shady about where she wanted to stay, then she didn't go.

I haven't had to stop her going anywhere yet. And funnily enough, I have a lot of parents over the years who have called me to ask me if I have talked to the parents because their kids won't let them, and they know I do.

Very odd, imo.

[nokidshere]

DD is 15 and a good technique I find is that for every moan, or eye roll, I bring the curfew forward 15 mins. I've only had to do it a couple of times, it's brilliant

I am sooo going to use that when the time comes!!! (not very far away now lol)

[MaryZed]

Oh, and I always collect half an hour before the end of a disco, and 15 minutes before the end of a house party. I really am evil.

[bitweepy]

MaryZed I bow in awe before you........

[MaryZed]

Don't bow too much bitweepy.

ds1 was running away and staying out all night at 13, despite my best efforts. And being supplied with cannabis by his friends' parents .

If you have a willing child with a group of nice friends, you can apply any rules you like, just be consistent. If your 6'2 14 year old refuses, you are screwed.

So it's worth a teeny bit of compromise if you can.

[Scholes34]

. . . therefore there has to be give and take and mutual respect along the way to your 14 year old reaching 6ft 2in!

[GhostofMammaTJ]

Pick your battles, but this is definitely one worth fighting.

[MaryZed]

Yes, exactly Scholes. Of course the odd kid won't give at all, and then there is trouble.

[Moominsarescary]

Mine sounds very similar Mary he also had a friend who's mum supplied them with cannabis, it was the only way she could keep her ds in and out of trouble with the police apparently.

Ds1 was also around the 6'2 mark at 14 and at 17 is still growing. Luckily his behaviour is much better now, although he still has his moments and when he does there's no budging him. hope things have improved for you and your ds.

[pearlie]

NYARBU. In the first year of infant school my DD received an invite to a Halloween Party and I said yest but as I did not know the family I said I would have to accompany her. She said it was not a problem...but then told everyone else how nosy that was. Considering DD fell down the stairs and hurt herself I am glad I was there.

DS went to a house party at 15...and I received a call at midnight to collect him as he had been drinking. Alcohold was flowing freely WITH PARENTAL CONSENT. I phoned the police and they said I could not bring charges as my son brought in the alcohol along with other guests. The host party 'parents' simply accepted that...

What do you mean by first proper "house party"?