to apply for this job?

[Teamumizumi]

I work in a very specialised area and my dream job has come up in a city 30 miles away. It will take one hour to drive there and and another 45 minutes to drive through the city. However, family logistics make it very awkward. Ideally I could move my children's schools so that we all commute together but one is in Year 10 and has just started GCSEs and the other is 5 so he won't have any local school friends to play with. My husband is also telling me not to apply for this job as it would mean staying over during the week (my mother lives within 5 mins walk of this dream job) and he doesn't want the family split up during the week.

It also means a pay cut. It means double the amount of petrol I spend each week.

But it is a great job, career progression and I'm so fed up with my current job that I'm actually going to commit career suicide and have pre-planned my exit for this Christmas anyway.

Do I put my working life first or my family first?

[expatinscotland]

This job sounds like you can't afford to take it just now. Career progression is never a guarantee, however.

I also think you're being really selfish to remove your children from their father during the week.

WTF? Imagine if a woman posted that her husband were doing this after they talked about it?

You did that to me, I'd tell you to go for it, there's the door, but you're not taking the kids with you.

[MargoThreadbetter]

Always apply for any job, unless you definitely wouldn't take it if offered.

For several reasons

1. You might not get it
2. You can refuse it, carefully without burning bridges
3. Salaries can be negotiated during offer process, you don't need to accept being worse off financially.
4. Things can change so quickly, it's useful to have options if e.g DP becomes unemployed
5. You can take it, and leave if it's too hard with a commute or living apart during the week.

Having said all that, a car commute is my idea of a nightmare, so not one I would go for in this case.

[scurryfunge]

I would go for it. You could stay over once or twice a week and put up with the long commute on the other days. Could you move house in the future when exams are over?

[Paiviaso]

Would you be in this job for a long time? If so, YABU to apply for it. It would take a massive amount of your time away from your family over years.

I think you'd have to do something a bit more drastic, like move house, in order to make this work.

[germyrabbit]

apply, you might not get the job

[MadBusLady]

Are there no public transport options that are quicker? Driving across cities is rarely a good idea.

Would a halfway move of any kind work?

Any possibility of working from home a couple of days a week? This can make all the difference with a longish commute.

Does your DH appreciate that a week separation would "only" be for two years until DC1 has finished GCSEs? (still might be too long, but he may be thinking of it as a "forever" decision and it needn't be)

[MadBusLady]

Oh hang on, maybe I misunderstood. I thought you meant leave DH with the kids for the week.

[expatinscotland]

I think she did mean leave the kids with the DH during the week.

[AMumInScotland]

I don't think moving schools is a good plan at their ages, it's likely to be very unsettling for all of you. Why can't the children stay at their current schools? Year 10 is old enough to get a bus and let themself into the house. And presumably the 5yo already uses a club or childminder if you're working full-time?

[Teamumizumi]

DH is dead against it.

MadBusLady - one would have to stay at home and go to school on the bus every day. However, DH sometimes has to go to London during the week (2 hours away) and wouldn't be back until 9pm. I'd feel bad about DD having to let herself in and look after herself until 9pm. I know it happens in other families but ....

Technically this job is part-time. We live in between 2 cities. Job is in city A and children go to school in city B which is 60 miles away from city A.

I could move the 5 year old so that he comes into school with me and I could work mornings, but then I would have to wait for him until 3.30 pm and we would both have a mad drive back home. This would ultimately feel like a full-time job.

I could work 3 full days a week, but then would 5 year old stay at his current school and sister take him in on the bus for those 3 days (it's not a nice walk home from the bus station to our house, especially in the dark winter months) ... and then rely on DH to look after them for 2 nights?

Argh. God, i don't know what to do.

If I don't apply I will regret it. if I do apply and I get it, my family life is shafted.

Expat: yes, I suspect I AM being selfish.

[MadBusLady]

Thinking about it my ole dad's commute (on public transport) used to be 1hr 20mins on a good day and 1hr 45 on a bad. I did similar myself for a while before I moved out from parents. It was kind of normal for the outer London suburb where we were.

Assuming the childcare is already in place for DC2, it may just be a question of adjusting your perception of what a reasonable commute is TBH.

[BonnieBumble]

30 miles away is nothing. Why can't you commute each day?

[MargoThreadbetter]

For 3 days a week, most men would work away, especially of quitting current job anyway.

What are the chances of finding something good more locally? You said it's a very specialized area...

But in the end it depends on the dynamics of your family and how your children would deal with separation from either of you.

[MargoThreadbetter]

I meant, work away if commute too long.

[scurryfunge]

I think the 3 days a week would be fine. You can leave the children in their schools and stay over one or two nights if need be.

[AMumInScotland]

I think it's a lot of disruption and a lot of commuting for a part-time job. People survive it of course, but I think there's going to be a lot of pressure on your husband and children to allow you to do this. Is it really that important to you? Is it such a rare thing for a job to come up in?

[Teamumizumi]

It's 30 miles to the edge of the city and the traffic gets snarled up. It's not the miles, it's the MPH, ie 2, hence why I'm looking at a 1.5 hour journey in and out.

I lived in London for 15 years. I know all about long commutes which is why I moved away for the kids!

DH is dead against it. Perhaps I should reword this thread to say "Is my DH being unreasonable to stop me applying for this job?"

Both DCs go to the same school but there is no current childcare in place as I can currently drop them off at 8.30 and pick them up at 5. Technically my current job is jammy as hell but this new job is very very tempting.

[puds11]

I would suggest that you apply anyway, so at least you have the satisfaction of knowing you didn't let the opportunity pass you by.

I would then suggest that since the job is solely for you, not for the good of the family, you suck it up and commute each day.

I also think you should go and see someone about your depression and maybe look for other new jobs that you may hate less than your current one.

It would not be fair of you to separate the children, or change their schools at this point. I think if you really want to do it, you should commute.

[MadBusLady]

x-posted

I've also known plenty of people live in places like Brighton or Cambridge and commute to London. That's up to an hour on the train, plus getting to and from home/workplace at either end, which can easily add another 30 mins on, and they do that every day. It's all about what you're used to.

I think if you have the option of 3 full-time days a week, I'd be happy to suck up the daily commute in that situation. It keeps the family together and just means you have to sort out something for ferrying DC2 on those days. Someone must normally pick him up now?

[wannabedomesticgoddess]

YABU to even consider rearranging your whole family for a part time job which is a pay cut in a city over an hour away.

Sorry but the only benefit I see in your posts is career progression. Thats not really worth the upheaval on your DCs.

[MadBusLady]

Ah! Ok.

"Is my DH being unreasonable to stop me applying for this job?"

If he's against it whatever, then yes. If he's against it because you're not willing to do the daily commute which is by far the simplest and least disruptive solution, then no.

[Teamumizumi]

LOL, you lot are so astute.

puds spot on. Current job makes me terribly depressed. Not the work I do, just the environment.

Mad - DCs current school has morning club and after school club (plus homework club for the older one) so they are safe and sound in one place (school is for 4-18 year olds).

I think I will phone the lady who has advertised for this job and tell her the situation. We're all so specialised that I actually know her so she won't mind me telling her the truth about logistics hell.

[carabos]

Would it be quicker on the train? Where I live, everyone commutes to big city which is an hour by car at peak times but only 35 mins by train.

As others have said, I would apply for the job and worry about the rest if I got it.

[MadBusLady]

Good idea! You never know what might be possible.

[puds11]

That sounds like a good idea Team, you never know she may tell you something that completely puts you off, or she may tell you something that could help make taking the job easier.

It may also be worth asking if she knows of any other jobs available closer to you.