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To tactfully mention that my friend may appear desperate?

(114 Posts)
IcouldstillbeJoseph Mon 24-Sep-12 17:41:14

This is not a question from smug married woman here but I have a friend, a few years younger than me who I've just had to listen to sobbing about having been dumped by yet another bloke.

I have known her a good few years now and it is always the same. Meets man (either dating websites or fixed up through friends normally as we work in predominately female job), goes on few dates, has sex quickly (I'm not judging!), is ALWAYS very keen on man. Texts him lots.

The next bit is hard to articulate - but she has already picked out where she would ideally like to get married. Has firm ideas in her head about how many children she would like, including their names etc. She will happily mention this on dates. She told me she had been for a walk with latest man and said "thats where I want to get married".

Few weeks in, man goes cold, she texts even more and then he calls the whole thing off. She has just been dumped again and has already text him asking if he wants to go to her house and chat things through.

It is making me cringe. I feel like I should say something now. I have said before "don't text him, just let him do some leg work etc" but she always ignores it. It breaks my heart to see her upset so much but I can sort of see it from man's pov. I think I'd be perturbed by similar behaviour.....

My friend is 24 btw

WipsGlitter Mon 24-Sep-12 17:43:50

She'll learn.

SoleSource Mon 24-Sep-12 17:53:37

Hello, u ok joseph? smile

Oooh dating is such a PITA

She learns tbe hard way. I think telling her she comes acriss as despatate wont change her. She will be hurt a few times more. She needs a total break from dati.g and learn to like her own self and company. Things will fall into place and guys will want her.

mum4041 Mon 24-Sep-12 18:03:03

I've got a friend like this. I've known her since she we were 15. All she ever wanted was to get married (in a particular place), have two dc and be married to a good looking doctor/lawyer/choose any lucrative profession you can think of.

She's now 45 and single and childless and living with her mum and dad.

She had quite a long term bf around 10 years ago (who was not good looking or in a lucrative profession - having listened to her friends) and I assumed that it was the same old story only to find out he'd been absolutely dreadful himself and it wasn't a case of him not being perfect at all.

Desperate and pre-planned is off putting. But how do you get that through to someone.

aldiwhore Mon 24-Sep-12 18:04:59

Not so much desperate and scary and obsessive, not seeing the person but the grand plan... its just not attractive.

Stay out of it, offer answers when asked questions, always be honest, but don't pro-offer your opinion... !!!

notanaxemurderer Mon 24-Sep-12 18:07:28

You could be talking about my best friend (except she wouldn't be so clueless as to talk about marriage/babies on first date!). I feel for her because she gets so excited about each prospect and then feels so low when each man dumps her/ceases contact.

She's been single for about a decade (despite being funny, warm, attractive, active, social etc) and it's getting worse as she is reaching her mid thirties and hoping to have children soon. But I think the desperate vibe is making men run in the other direction.

She's not the type to get hints but I've tried! I even bought her that book The Rules (disclaimer: think it's a load of crap personally but I thought it might help temper her over-enthusiastic approach a little) but I don't think she's read it. Watching this thread with interest...

CoteDAzur Mon 24-Sep-12 18:07:48

24 can't be desperate. Good grief, she is a baby. She needs to go out and live her life, stay out until morning every weekend, dance on tables, etc.

Maybe tell her what a thankless job motherhood is, and how sleep deprivation and screeching babies makes people want to stick pins in their eyes.

QuintessentialShadows Mon 24-Sep-12 18:13:06

You dont have to actually tell her off for her dating tactics, you can go about it in a totally different way, which might make her think twice before mentioning where SHE wants to get married, what SHE will call HER kids, etc.

Basically, if she has already decided where to get married, knows how many kids she will have, what to call them, she is coming across as not just self centered but opinionated to the extent that she has already disregarded any opinion a future partner will have on this. She is presenting a done deal, with no room for input from him, who will after all count for 50% of the couple. There is no room then for input from the man, and THIS you can point out to her, without mention dating.

You can say "But Sarah, what if your future partner dont like that place? Should he not be a part of this important decision making process? I honestly dont understand how you can possibly have decided this, without discussing it with the other person who will be doing the marrying." And "But Sarah, how can you decide how many children you will have? Dont you require a man in this process? What if he does not agree? What if he only wants one child, or he wants 4 whereas you want 3? Dont you think you should hold off with deciding this?" and further "What if your future partner hates this name? What if that is the name of his ex girlfriend, or late aunt? Or what if he wants to name a girl after his grandmother?"

Etc. I dont think you can tell he she is desperate, but you can stear her in the right direction regards to this aspect of where she goes wrong!

WorraLiberty Mon 24-Sep-12 18:16:20

24 can't be desperate. Good grief, she is a baby

OMG Cotze are you on a suicide mission to get typed to death by certain posters on here? shock grin

CoteDAzur Mon 24-Sep-12 18:20:09

Why? 24 is barely out of university. It is the age where you work, have financial independence, and have enough fun to last you all those years you wipe baby bottoms, stay up all night with screaming babies, and wake up at dawn.

I hadn't even started to have my fun at 24 grin

LRDtheFeministDragon Mon 24-Sep-12 18:20:37

She'll either learn or meet someone who also wants to get married. I was exactly like her up until I was 23 or so. Then I met DH.

(Now, if you were looking for smug married ...).

But seriously - not every man in the world thinks that getting married is a scary option. Maybe she actually needs the kind of bloke (and I know increasing numbers of them, mostly by now happily married), who is also quite fancying the idea of settling down and having kids? At least her approach quickly sees off the timewasters, though it does sound emotionally a bit brutal on her.

WorraLiberty Mon 24-Sep-12 18:21:43

I'm with you!

But you've obviously missed a couple of recent threads grin

<< Shoves Cote in protective Armour >>

Mrsbiggs Mon 24-Sep-12 18:25:10

I had 2 DC by 24 blush.

I am now 37 and twice divorced with 3 DC blush

I read "He's Just Not That Into You" followed it to a T and have been very happily with OH for 3 years (yes my track record is not great). grin.

Can you buy it for her as a "joke"?

Inneedofbrandy Mon 24-Sep-12 18:29:02

I'm 24 with two dc 5 and 5. I have lived on my own and payed my own bills since 16 and worked most of the time. I am not a baby.

With the actual post... YY what sole source said or LRD

Inneedofbrandy Mon 24-Sep-12 18:29:31

Thats almost 7 and 5, not 5 and 5

Viviennemary Mon 24-Sep-12 18:29:47

I'd leave her to it. A man will eventually come along who will take this all in his stride.

perfumedlife Mon 24-Sep-12 18:33:51

I had a friend like this, she was desperate from the age of 18. There were five fiances before she finally scooted the last man up to the alter the second his divorce came through. It didn't matter what they looked like, their dreams or desires, they were single men and she wanted one. I did advise her on playing it cool and actually living and loving her own life first but it fell on deaf ears.

The dh is a creep of course and she will find out, suffer it longer than is good for her, leave then start the search all over again. Depressing and I find this type of person is the last to ever take advice.

CoteDAzur Mon 24-Sep-12 18:34:03

"Baby" isn't an insult, just a way to say "very young" especially compared to those of us in our 40s

puds11 Mon 24-Sep-12 18:36:17

I'm 24 with a 4yo, also not a baby.

Buy her a copy of The Rules.

Inneedofbrandy Mon 24-Sep-12 18:42:46

If I started talking about "grannys" in their 40s having babys as a way of comparing ages..... that would be ok right??

fedupofnamechanging Mon 24-Sep-12 18:47:27

I had a flatmate once who was always complaining that she could never get a boyfriend and she asked me once why I thought that was. Being young tactless I made the mistake of telling her that she was giving off desperate vibes and men will run a mile. It didn't help.

I think that Quint has the right idea - a nice way of encouraging her to adjust her behaviour.

fedupofnamechanging Mon 24-Sep-12 18:49:42

Meant to mention that my flatmate did reel some poor sucker in find true love in the end.

At the time, she sulked for about 2 weeks and refused to talk to me Yay! She was very moody and quite hard work.

PunkInDublic Mon 24-Sep-12 18:51:57

CoteD I had a baby at 19 and I know what you meant and that you didn't mean it as an insult, however Inneedofbrandy has a point.

<Pulls splinters out of arse>

LizLemon007 Mon 24-Sep-12 18:53:30

Yeah I thought you were going to say she was 42

No 24 year old can be desperate. she has so much time on her hands.

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