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AIBU or selfish?

(34 Posts)
Boo86 Mon 24-Sep-12 16:22:51

Please be gentle with me as im feeling a bit sorry for myself.

I am 7 weeks pregnant and suffered a MMC last year at exactly this point. Hence feeling maybe a bit more sorry for myself at this point than i should has i not lost my last baby. I also have a very lovable but extremely active 2 year old.

My DP's father passed away on Saturday, the hospital called at 6am on Saturday to call my partner to come see him before he passed and thankfully he got there in time to say goodbye. However he is now saying he might not come back home for 2 weeks (dp's dad lived 100 miles away). It could be sooner btu he will give me no indication.

Ive got the morning sickness from hell, have no friends to help out, i do have my mum but she works 2 jobs from 8am till gone 8pm most days and although she is being fantastic i feel awful for her to have to come round and help as she suffers from vertigo and tinitus (meniers syndrome) which gets worse if she gets tired.

My dp dosent even seem to be considering me, i found out on facebook that his dad had died, he didnt tell me for over 12 hours after, and i was quite close with DP dad so i found this very upsetting. He dosent want our son to come to the funeral and i cannot arrange any childcare as i dotn know anyone where dp's dad lived and i cant leave him with anyone here for more than a day. I dont drive so i coudlnt go there and back in a day. I would really like to say goodbye to him as he was a lovely man.

DP went out drinking with his brothers last night (again not judging this) but i asked him to let me know he was ok as he never drinks and his brothers are very heavy drinkers) and didnt get a response till gone 10 this morning. He hasnt told anyone in his family abotu this pregnancy due to us losing our last child so as far as they are concerned i should be able to cope with just one toddler, which i could normally, but i am feeling so terrified about losing this one and morning sickness, dizzy spells and severe lack of sleep on top is all increasing this worry.

Aibu to feel a bit put out and that he should be considering me as well? I wont say anything to him as obvously i realise he is going through a hell of a time too but... hmmmph... i dunno!

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack Mon 24-Sep-12 16:27:27

In the most gentle way yes's a major thing to lose a parent and unless it has happened to you, you have no idea.

When my mum died, I went to stay with my dad for a week and left DH and DS to fend for themselves, my dad was my main priority and seriously, if my DH couldnt support me at that time of my life, when could he???

I could understand you feeling like this if you were about to have the baby but its such early days yet so your DP wont be focusing on that at all.

To say he is going through a hell of a time.....times that by a million and you might almost be there.

Ithinkitsjustme Mon 24-Sep-12 16:28:24

Why does he need to stay for 2 weeks, I could understand if he Mum had been left alone but as he's been out drinking with his brothers this doesn't appear to be the case. I think you need to ask him to come home and sort out some way for you to go to the funeral with him. You do deserve some consideration as well, even though I do understand that he is having a hard time as well.

larks35 Mon 24-Sep-12 16:30:25

YANBU or selfish, early pregnancy and a toddler is heavy-going especially if you have morning sickness. The thing is I don't think it would be fair of me to say your DP is BU or selfish either. He's just lost his dad and I don't imagine he is thinking clearly at all. Get out as much as you can, I found that fresh air really helped my sickness and being out was easier with my DS than being at home.

Maybe you could suggest to him (in a couple of days when his head is clearer) that he come back before the funeral so that he can take you. In the meantime, can you find anyone to have your DS for the day of the funeral?

Poor you though.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack Mon 24-Sep-12 16:30:32

Yes, have to agree with Ithink - why does he have to be away for 2 weeks?? That does seem quite excessive.

ShirtyKnot Mon 24-Sep-12 16:31:06


it's awful losing a parent. When dad died I didn't see my 2 children for a week - I was too devastated and freaked out. They went and stayed with their dad while I satayed with mum and all the family.

I was drunk. A. LOT.

scandy Mon 24-Sep-12 16:33:20

I think you need to be supportive of your partner and help him in any way he needs you. He has lost his father, he needs to grieve and you need to be there for him and be loving and supportive at this terrible time in his life.

kinkyfuckery Mon 24-Sep-12 16:34:09


This time isn't about you. It is about your DP. You need to be there for him, he's only going to do this once.

SammyTheSwedishSquirrel Mon 24-Sep-12 16:35:36

YABVVU and very lacking in compassion. His dad died 2 days ago and you've got the hump that he isn't considering you.

My dad died 5 weeks ago and I'm still with my mum and siblings. My husband is back home dealing with the kids, dogs, cats, working full time and doing whatever is needed to make sure I can be with my family for as long as I need to. I think I'd leave him if he started complaining about his needs right now.

squeakytoy Mon 24-Sep-12 16:36:22

YANBU.. a couple of days may be needed but certainly not two weeks.

SammyTheSwedishSquirrel Mon 24-Sep-12 16:36:55

Sorry, my post was rather harsh. Still grieving so sensitive subject.

Sokmonsta Mon 24-Sep-12 16:38:52

YANBU to think 2 weeks is a little excessive, given that he's not an only child and his siblings are around to help too. But did you both grieve for your mc or did he put on the 'big strong bloke' face. I'm trying to be gentle, albeit perhaps in a clumsy way, but he's lost his dad around the anniversary of your mc. It's not something he will have forgotten I am sure and I'd say he may be grieving not only for his dad, but also the role of dad which he has lost. Therefore he is not thinking clearly of how you may also be feeling in the same circumstance. I am sure, as with many women, you will have had untold support fro family and friends at that time. Men often miss out on that. I'd suggest talking to him, let him know how you feel, but ask him to be honest with you about his feeings an support him in return.

usualsuspect3 Mon 24-Sep-12 16:39:31

This is about him losing his dad,grieving and wanting to spend time with his family, You have to accept that I think.

Boo86 Mon 24-Sep-12 16:40:39

Thankyou Ithink and Larks.

Scandy and shirty - i am being supportive, im not saying any of this to him and yet neither of you seem to be noticing that. i have said i could totally cope if it was just me and the toddler but Shirty your DP wasnt 7 weeks pregnant and feeling rough after having lost a previous child so i think he should give me some consideration on that point as others have said. Im not asking him to drop anythign and come back im just asking that he consider me a little.

His mother passed 10 years ago so hes not looking after her but i realise this could have brought those feelings back as well.

ShirtyKnot Mon 24-Sep-12 16:46:14

I was just telling you my experience. confused

I don't think I said you were being "unsupportive" or anything of the sort. I merely told you how I reacted when I lost my dad.

Wish I hadn't bothered actually.

Boo86 Mon 24-Sep-12 16:47:36

Sokmonsta - sorry i wasnt clear, i had a mmc at 7 weeks same as where i am now, not at this time last year, it was early novermber. He grieved and he actually got a lot of support, everyone was great and we coudlnt have asked for more

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack Mon 24-Sep-12 16:47:52

That was uncalled for Boo - Shirty was just telling you how she found it when she lost her dad.

I presume you haven't lost a parent.

badtasteflump Mon 24-Sep-12 16:48:24

Yanbu - yes he's just lost his dad and that is horrible (been there so I know). But whatever is happening in his life, however bad it is, his no. 1 priority is you & yours. On that basis, being away for two weeks is excessive imo.

Boo86 Mon 24-Sep-12 16:49:38

Shirty, sorry i didnt meant to imply you said that im just meaning that you are comparing me with your husband and it wasnt quite the same

ShirtyKnot Mon 24-Sep-12 16:50:31

Oh and actually, I had two small children at the time and was getting a divorce and my EXH Still didn't give out to me because I was struggling with the loss of my father.

usualsuspect3 Mon 24-Sep-12 16:51:56

When my DPs DM was seriously ill in hospital before she died, I barely saw him for weeks.

I understood he needed to be with his siblings more than be with me.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack Mon 24-Sep-12 16:52:16

To be fair, when I lost my mum if my DH hadnt been able to sort DS out and support me in whatever way, I would have seriously evaluated our future together.

Sassybeast Mon 24-Sep-12 16:52:26

YABU and selfish yes.

Boo86 Mon 24-Sep-12 16:52:44

ok i didnt realise i was such a terrible person to feel a bit sorry for myself, even though im only venting on here but being perfectly supportive and doing all i can for DP in RL. Ill go away shall I. Thanks

badtasteflump Mon 24-Sep-12 16:55:05

Boo dont do that, sorry youre getting such a pasting - its the nature of aibu unfortunately. Maybe you should ask to have this moved to relationships?

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