AIBU to think standing up for yourself is a life skill?

[EclecticShock]

I see threads here all the time where the op has difficulties getting their opinions across and having people take them seriously. Standing up for yourself is a life skill that many people need surely? How do people learn to do it? Can it be learned or is it your personality?

[frowniefuckingface]

I think for some people it is personality and or others it is learned. I cannot stand up for myself, I am a wallflower however if everyone was assertive I think the world would be shit so I suppose it takes all sorts!

[FayeGovan]

ood question op

sadly I think its all down to personalities, can't be learned

[EclecticShock]

But that implies some people just take the stuff that happens to them... That's not fair...

[FatherHankTree]

Unassertive people can maybe learn from those who do it naturally. I used to be a doormat but got fed up of being walked over and gradually began to assert myself.

[EclecticShock]

I learned how to do it because I had to, I think. I was a wallflower.

[hermioneweasley]

I think you're right. Nobody ever even tries to take advantage of me. (apparently I give off "don't fuck with me vibes"), but because nobody ever does try to take the piss, I never have to have a confrontation (if that makes sense).

It's not about blaming the victim, but I think people can sense weakness and users are drawn to people they can exploit.

Standing up for yourself can be learned though!

[FayeGovan]

did it help you onelast
or was it full of people apologising for being late/early/whatever

[awigandalager]

I was bullied a lot at school, and then one teacher made the difference. He kept me behind class - the bitchy girls loved that I was 'in trouble' - and asked me why I didn't stand up to them. He told me my vocabulary was way better than theirs and I could easily cut them down to size if I wanted. He encouraged me to answer back in his class, he would stop them behaving badly. I did just that. He was right. They stopped bullying me in all the other classes as my confidence grew.

I still thank Mr Herbert for instilling me with confidence that one day.

[HotDAMNlifeisgood]

Mr Herbert sounds ace!

I bet he had to learn assertiveness the hard way too.

[EclecticShock]

I think it's rare that people have it as an innate skill. I think its mostly learned. I can imagine what kind of life I would have if I couldn't do it.

[scarletforya]

Yes, it's a life skill and yes it can be learnt.

I had to learn it as was not taught as a child and got terribly trodden on. However it can and must be learnt.

It drives me crazy on here reading posts/threads from people moaning that they are being walked over or taken advantage of and then admitting they let it happen! I mean you can't complain people use you if you just stand there and let them!

I have no sympathy for people who won't/don't try to push themselves through the discomfort of learning this life skill. There is no easy way of doing it and saying 'I don't like confrontation' is a cop out. No-one likes confrontation.

[KenDoddsDadsDog]

You are right. And as someone who was also bullied, once the lion roars that's it. I never looked back once I found my confidence.

[Nagoo]

It can definitely be learned.

I have a very assertive personality, it stuns me what shit people put up with TBH, I am astonished.

People need to learn that the world doesn't end if you start saying no. I say no all the time and I still have a family, friends, a good relationship with colleagues. It's not that I am astonishingly likeable (it might be that ) It's that I'm not a dick about it.

[HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer]

It's hard if you're not taught assertiveness by example as a child. However it can be learnt; I had counselling and CBT for 2 years and it changed me totally

[awigandalager]

It can be learned alright, but how do you teach it?

Eighteen months ago I was very worried how my shy, small, ginger DS was going to cope when he went to school. He was a perfect target for bullies - so I thought. Since then he's changed: still small and ginger, but most definitely not shy. He walks into groups of hitherto unknown children and usually demands they become part of his fire crew, assigns them roles and directs play. He does this with kids older and bigger than him with so much confidence. I cannot fathom what has changed!

[EclecticShock]

I just think many problem threads threads in here could be nipped in the bud before they get to here by ops knowing how to assert themselves. My DH is bad at it, I actually have to argue against myself to get him to stand up for himself. I think you're right, a lot of it can be learned in childhood, but is sometimes avoided. I really don't see how you can lead the life you want without being able to communicate what you want to others.

I think it's imperative people can have the self esteem and confidence and I think parents might have to make an extra effort to instill assertiveness, although its difficult.

[EclecticShock]

I worry about my ds although still young, when he gets kicked etc, he just looks at them, like why? I'm trying to teach him is ok to say, please don't do that. It hurts. It's definately not innate in everyone. I think I only really grasped it in my late twenties after being tested many times.

[EclecticShock]

I'm sorry about your son, everlong. Life can be too short.

[springydaffs]

I was bullied at home by my entire family as a matter of course and, although I'm not backward at coming forward, I had an 'inate' lack of boundaries. Probably because of the bullying. I did an assertiveness course to get the gist of what being assertive actually is (I err on both the aggressive and the passive). it took a lot of counselling and life-experience to fine-tune it though. I don't want anyone to think that after an assertiveness course it's necessarily all sorted - it can take a while to really get it, to utilise the skills. It's the one area where you learn loud and clear by your mistakes...

I'm a bit like the secret millionaire now LOL in that I'll invest in people who impress me. To impress me you have to respect me and value who I am, otherwise you don't get a look in

[EclecticShock]

Is your name related to the foos song? I love that song dearly :)

[springydaffs]

I'm so sorry to hear about your son everlong

[AdeleVarens]

I'm so sorry everlong.

I grew up with a mother who is a total doormat who couldn't assert herself in a million years (but internalises resentment without realising it and lashed out at us as children a lot), and I became determined in my teens to never be like her and to assert myself in all circumstances. She cannot understand this at all, and is appalled at me standing up for myself, especially at saying 'no' to requests. I think a lot of women and girls have traditionally been trained to be doormats and yeswomen, but it's certainly possibly to break the chain.