To be tired of the fight and make her go?

[fallenpetal]

DD had decided she doesnt want to see her dad this week.

She has been odd about it for ages, sleeping arrangements were changed, she was happier. Was fine over xmas and last weekend now she doesnt want to go because she went last weekend and will miss me having been at school all week since coming back from his.

I understand this and would love her to stay but I am just utterly sick of the guilt trip she gives me wanting to stay, the guilt trips he gives me if she doesnt go and the slagging off i get from his GF online if she doesnt go.So I am inclined to make her go as I have just had enough of all the crap I get because she doesnt wanna go

I am not quite sure if she is playing us off against each other as she has had VERY valid reasons for not wanting to go ( not wanting to hear me being slagged off is just one of them)

But Im out of fight, had a dreadful few weeks with various things and just want not to rock the boat for a bit

Am I BU?

[TheProvincialLady]

Wy are you engaging with your ex's girlfriend online - via facebook or similar, I assume you mean? Block/delete/do whatever you need to do to never have to read her opinion again. Why should you care what she thinks of your actions?

How old is your daughter?

[SiamoNellaMerda]

Agree with the lady - disengage totally from the GF - why on earth would her opinion of anything matter a hoot to you?

[LowRegNumber]

How old is she? I do think there is something to be said for simply saying these are the arrangements so we stick to them but so much depends on age and reason... And if course yanbu to want a break from the trouble although I suspect your dd may give you a bit of that! It is never easy :(

[fallenpetal]

DD is 10 - I am not engaging with her online, i am told what she says even though I say dont tell me. I know its upsetting this family member she writes these things so try not to be to hard on them for trying to tell me

[SquishyCinnamonSwirls]

Hhmmm, I think you need to sit down with her and explain that there are arrangements in place to make sure she gets some nice time with everyone, but that her feelings and opinions are important too. Maybe say that because this weekend is practically upon us it's a bit short notice to be changing the plan now, but you can discuss it further on Monday night? That gives her time to think about it as well.

My dd's 9 and we've had your problem arise a few times over the past 7 years. Sometimes I've made her go, sometimes I haven't - all depending on how upset she's been, her reasons and how definite she's been. If it's just a matter of not wanting to miss out on something she thinks we'll be doing then no dice, that's not fair. If it's something more deep seated then she's taken seriously.

[thisisyesterday]

your priority should be your daughter. not other people making you feel bad or givign you a hard time,
.
if she really, really, really doesn't want to go then don't make her just cos your ex or his gf won't like it

[Flisspaps]

If she doesn't want to go, then don't make her. Her opinion is valid, and making her go will just say to her 'what you think doesn't matter as much as what your Dad and his GF think'.

[sunshineandbooks]

Given her age and the fact that you say she has VERY valid reasons for not wanting to go, I think you should support her decision. If your relationship with anyone is going to be damaged, far better it be your relationships with your X rather than your relationships with your DD. And tell him that one of the reasons she doesn't want to go is because she's upset by him constantly slagging off her mother.

[tigermoll]

This is a horrible situation, but I think it comes down to: would you rather upset your daughter or your ex?

I'm guessing that you prioritise your DD over your ex. Your DD NEEDS your protection and support. Your ex doesn't.

[HoudiniHissy]

petal, if your family member is distressed by the GF messages and even though you say that you don't want to know, but they insist on telling you, they are OUT OF ORDER!

Tell them to defriend the GF/Ex.

If your DD doesn't want to go, don't make her. If your Ex is slagging you off to her, she has every right to say NO, I don't want this.

Put your DD first, INSIST on the 'family member' getting their priorities straight and to keep their beak out of your business and focus on the better life you have with DD cos Ex is not in it.

[fallenpetal]

Sorry I wasnt clear before, its the gf that slags me off not the ex -

I knew posting here would give me the right balance between understanding and a kick into reality. love this place.

A huge part of me wants to not make her go, ill see how she is tomorrow thanks all x

[my2centsis]

Tell dd that if she doesn't want to go that's fine but she needs to be the one to ring her dad and tell him that and the reasons why she doesn't want to go.... Worked when my mum said that to me when I was younger :)

[IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll]

Why would you prefer to feel guilty for your dd instead of for your ex?

Couldn't she go for the day but come home in the evening or something?

I would talk to your ex and tell him that she is upset about the visit. He should want to hear why and he should want to do whatever he has to do to make her enjoy her visit, including telling his GF to STFU. If he doesn't, don't make her go.

[fallenpetal]

Thanks my2cents - i have done that before, may well do tomorrow!

kitchenroll, its not that Id prefer to feel guilty for dd, far from it. Im just running out of strength from the pressure from the ex I think. Going for the day may work but he says he misses out too much if he brings her home. I dunno, its not easy and unfair on everyone really.

[troisgarcons]

Right

how many ladies on this forum (and men too) have a right good moan because their EX-P buggers about with access?

how many step mums on this forum have the same complaint that they are expected to suspend their lives to facilitate the patners children from previous relationships and the resident EX-p is a complete shit about it?

So we have a situation here where the new P is understandably pissed off about her w/ends being interfered with ..... but of couse she should 'suck it' because she signed up to having her life screwed by virtue of meeting a bloke with a past.

I am just utterly sick of the guilt trip she gives me wanting to stay, the guilt trips he gives me if she doesnt go

you are the parent, she is the child. Her other parent has a right and a need to see her too.

the slagging off i get from his GF online if she doesnt go.

That would be because DD has screwed two households plans and two households are facilitating her rather than adhering to setting boundaries for her.

So I am inclined to make her go as I have just had enough of all the crap I get because she doesnt wanna go

Well you take the easy route, let your DD dictate what she wants to do regardless. Because she will twiat the pair of you as a teenager when she's a little more savvy.


Her father has a right to time with her.

[Pandemoniaa]

I had similar problems when ds1 & 2 were younger. They finally rebelled after months of listening to snide comments and being interrogated about the finer details of my (very unexciting) life. The crunch came when they refused to get out of the car one Saturday. Ex-h shouted remonstrated with them but they were immovable. As it happens, a couple of weeks of not visiting and the chance for me and ex-h to discuss the reasons for their attitude calmed things down and he was much more reasonable with them afterwards. Had they not gone on strike, things wouldn't have been sorted, however.

In your case, OP, I would listen to your dd and give in this once but say that she needs to phone and tell her father that she won't be visiting. You then need to speak to him separately and tell him the reasons for her reluctance. Be totally intolerant about being slagged off on Arsebitch Facebook and tell him you won't put up with it. Also, tell your relative to keep her views to herself. None of this is helped by an internet campaign.

[BertieBotts]

The family courts take a very dim view of one parent or their partner being derogatory about the other parent directly to the child, I'm not surprised she doesn't want to go :(

I agree don't make her, and no, don't make her tell him herself! Not unless the reasons are truly petty/she will enjoy it when she gets there! If there is even a hint of emotional abuse/manipulation (you said he gives you guilt trips, I am assuming this is more than him saying something like "I'm upset to hear she doesn't want to come, is there anything specific we can work out to make things more pleasant for her?") then it's totally unfair to expect her to stand her own as a child against a grown man operating these techniques. Most adults find them difficult to counter.

I'm wondering if mediation would be useful in this circumstance?

[BertieBotts]

No, trois, the child has a right to express her own wishes and be listened to. She's not a toddler having a tantrum.

[fallenpetal]

Trioi Of course he has a right to see her! I have not and would not suggest he didnt. How is making her go the easy route? Im confused by that, its the hardest thing taking her when she really doesnt want to. This is not a new precious partner putting her self out for a new bloke - they have been together several years. This is a woman who cannot contain her opinions around her partners child not some one to be pitied because she has to put up with another brat. She new full well all about me and our children before they got together she didnt fall in love and then deal with the kids - she knew them before him!!!

Thanks Pande we have done the couple of weeks thing and he still doesnt seem to register there are issues ( because I just make them up apparently. )

[McHappyPants2012]

at the age of 10 she is the age of legal responsibility, so why cant a 10 year old make the decsion to either go to her dads or not

[fallenpetal]

Bertie that sentence would never come from his mouth - if it did id be over the moon. His guilt trips are far worse and were a huge reason for us falling apart. I cant really express them in writing and add to that i do really want him to see his children! DS refuses to go point blank 99.9% of the time.

[ReindeerBollocks]

The courts would listen to the daughters wishes at ten and depending upon the valid reasons they would probably lessen contact if it was making her distressed.

Do you have a court order in place that could be altered in view of the current situation? If not, could you try DD going every second weekend to her fathers just until she is settled back into routine.

Finally, only discuss this with the ex, not in or around the girlfriend. She sounds like she's caused enough damage already by insulting people in front of your DD.

[ReindeerBollocks]

Not with or around the girlfriend*

[fallenpetal]

No court order as we went through mediation for everything when we divorced
Maybe as suggested we need a mediator again