To ask friend for money back?

[OogaBooga]

Name changed in case friend comes across this.

Background -

I asked a friend to hold some money for me (well actually he offered and I later asked after considering it) as I was trying to save up for an event.

A little while later he had an unexpected bill and was a bit short and so I said to take my cash and just make sure it is replaced before the event.

He took it, used it and then replaced it when he was paid, at least he told me that he had.

Event never ended up happening for various reasons and I asked for the money. At this time he explained that he didn't have it on him but could get it out the bank.

Ended up not seeing him for a few weeks and got the feeling I was being avoided. Have mentioned it on a couple of occasions since and got various excuses about bills, payment problems, bank account issues etc. and always promised next week etc. and yet never arrived.

He eventually gave me half of the money and promised the rest the next week, again we then did not see each other for a long period.

Since then he has hit some serious financial problems and I KNOW he cannot afford to give it me, however it has now been 7 months since I first asked for the money.

I don't NEED it right now as such but with christmas coming up it would be handy, it's not a huge amount still owing (£120) but enough to not want to forget it.

I now feel bad for asking and have not asked for it in a while but it's starting to annoy me they he seems to have just forgotten it and never mentions it.

It's not like the money was even a loan in the first place, they were just holding it for me and yes I did agree they could dip into it ONCE but that dosn't mean I don't have a right to have it back.

I think it's time to get harsh and demand it back but OH thinks it will cause problems and that we shouldn't ask when we can see how much he is struggling.

AIBU to want it back when I know he will struggle to give it me?

[grumplestilskin]

holding it for you as a favour? don't you have a bank account or at least a piggy bank or a mattress to put it under at a push

I will say YABU because the only people I know who've had other people "hold" money as a favour to them were either doing something dodgy and trying to dodge tax/money launder, or they were so feckless they needed a "drinking club" so they didn't piss it all up against a wall in one go! So based on that I'ld say forget about it and sort yourself out so other people aren't holding money for you!

[grumplestilskin]

p.s. also acceptable to ask someone to hold money if saving to escape controlling partner, but otherwise, sort yer life out and mind your own money

[OogaBooga]

At the time I was heavilly debt ridden and trying to solve a difficult financial situation and so I did not have a bank account.

The conversation came up as we were discussing saving money and I said I was terrible and that I had put money to one side as I was saving and I kept dipping in to it all the time.

He suggested leaving it at his house would stop the temptation and I thought about it and agreed.

It was a very important event that I had to attend (wedding of family member) and I knew I would struggle to save the money.

Now I am back in work, got rid of the debts and am comfortable with money which is why I feel guilty about asking for it back.

[Notsurehow]

Grumple has put is in a slightly more harsh way than perhaps I would...although,having read it through and considered the available facts....tend to agree.
if you were not able to "hold" the money for an even t (whatever your reason),why should he? His temptation/greed/need (as it appears now) is the key to this as was your decision to ask him to "look after it".

A real shame and would hate to see a friendship ruined over this but there is a clear choice here...up to you.

[OogaBooga]

Would like to add that MANY single parents surviving on benefits (as I was at the time) struggle to save as there is ALWAYS something that needs paying or buying.

By having the cash out of my reach it stopped me spending it on things that could wait and look at other ways.

It was a borrow from peter to pay paul situation at the time and thankfully my finances are no longer such a mess, but definately nothing illegal or immoral!

My friend at the time was much better off than me and did not struggle for money or to save etc. Complete role reversal now.

[OogaBooga]

Notsurehow - That's the thing I seriously considered this but he at the time was not struggling for money, buying designer clothing every week etc. New cars and so on ...

He offered in a 'if you put it in my cupboard I'll never need it and it will make it harder for you to spend it'

The financial situation he is in now could not have been predicted (made redundant, relationship breakdown meaning lost house etc.)

[grumplestilskin]

well done for "sorting yourself out"! as you've now learnt, the solution to being "terrible with money" and dipping into any attempt to save is not to relinquish all responsibility so that someone else has the burden of it, the solution is to work on it and, well, get better at it frankly!

as I said, well done for sorting yourself out but put the money holding down to a mistake and remember it in the future if you're ever again tempted to put your head in the sand rather than take responsibility for sorting your own stuff out!

if you were in a badish place back then then its possible that you surrounded yourself with some enablers who had similar ishoos, but liked playing the helper role to distract from their own crapness with money/life! Like the friend who offered to "help" (but it wasn't really how I would help a friend in that circumtances..) but turned out to be just as bad

live n learn!

[Arachnophobic]

Can't believe some of the posts tonight....OP is basically being told it's her own stupid fault, when this wasn't the question being posed.

This person has taken the piss and while it may not be worth losing the relationship over, I think some firmness is needed.

People here seem to forget that technically, this is theft.

[Notsurehow]

As a single parent myself,combined with the additional info,fully understand why you did what you did.
So,if you value his friendship more than £120,chalk it down to experience and feel good about how you have managed to turn your life around and retain the friendship.
If not,then you have two options...either walk away from both friendship and £120 or persue him for the £120 and ruin the friendship,remembering as you do,how hard life can be...
Good friends (and sometimse they do f**k up) can be worth their weight in gold.
I personally,having taken the time to explain as yo have,don't think you would want to ruin the friendship for the sake of £120,however agrieved you may feel.......

[OogaBooga]

I see your point Grumple - I put myself in this situation.

However he should not have spent the money and could have handed it back at any time if he was struggling to resist temptation.

It's like saying I asked my neighbour to accept a parcel for me and she opened it and used the goods herself.
Would you say 'well you shouldn't have had your parcel delivered there'?

Yes in hindsight it was a bad move but the fact remains it is still my money, friend has never disputed that this money is owed but just never has it to pay back.

I think after the comments here I will leave the subject until after christmas as I know he will struggle over this time and then mention it again to see what happens.

It's not like i'm made of money, I am more financially secure then I have ever been but still have debts and bills etc. so can't really afford to write the money off.

I wouldn't lose the friendship, he is not that sort of person.

[OogaBooga]

Notsurehow - Cross posted.

I would never want to lose the friendship and definately value it.
I completely understand how it is to be in a tough financial situation and I really feel for him right now.

It's just a shame that it has been so awkward.

Do you think it would be better to suggest small repayments starting after christmas? Or just forget it and put it down to a lesson learnt?

[Parietal]

Might you try having an honest discussion - say - "I know there is this £120 quid and I don't want to ruin our friendship but I do need it back. What would make it easiest for you to pay it back? How about £10 per week?"

[izzywhizzysfritenite]

Absolutely Arachnoid, it's theft pure and simple.

YANBU and your friend should take steps to repay the remaining £120 of the money he stole from you forthwith, OP.

Forget asking him to start over Christmas - it'll never happen. He starts now - £20 per week will see the sum repaid by mid-November. Or, if you're feeling generous, £10 per week and you could let him defer payment on Christmas and New Year's week so that the amount will be cleared by mid-Jan.

Or maybe he should sell some of those designer goods he bought when he was flush and give back the £120 he stole from you in one lump sum.

If he wants to go down the repayment route, buy a little cash book, enter the sum outstanding and both of you sign each time he makes a payment so that there can be no dispute.

Your friend has taken the piss - and pissed all over you. If he doesn't prove to be a man of honour in this matter, scrub him off your Christmas card list and go to the police.

[izzywhizzysfritenite]

Apologies - Arachnophobic - possibly a Freudian slip as I love the little creatures that you fear.

[EricNorthmansMistress]

Parietal has the right idea.

It was a mistake to leave your cash with him, but you can be forgiven for assuming you could trust him. Once it became clear he was having financial difficulties I think I would have asked for the money back rather than lending it to him but again, you assumed he would pay you back.
You know he can't afford to hand over £120 and although he obviously shouldn't have borrowed it without asking, he must have been in dire straits. So open up the conversation about it, suggest £20 a month or whatever he can afford, and try to put it behind you.

[whackamole]

YANBU to want your money back, but I think so as to not ruin you friendship you should do what others have suggested and ask him to pay it back in weekly installments.

[grumplestilskin]

it is nothing at all like asking a neighbour to take a parcel for you, as when you do that it is something you would take responsibility for yourself if you were in. You didn't want to take the responsibility of not dipping in to the money so you put that responsibility to do something you wouldn't do onto your friend IYSWIM.

It was a mistake and an expensive one, yes! and I DO think you should ask without much expectation, while in the back of your head writing it off and putting it down to experience, because if you could not leave that amt untouched when you were stuggling then how can you strongly ask for him to do just that?

the installment idea is a good one because you're not asking HIM to save a tempting lump sum when you wouldn't do that for yourself let alone someone else, so installments would deal with that issue, but I'ld only go so far with it before writing it off!

[grumplestilskin]

asking for the lump would essentially be the OP asking the friend to do something for her which she wouldn't even do for herself (back then)

[slavetofilofax]

This person has spent your money - of course he should give it back to you!

I can't see where your DH is coming from when he says it will cause problems. It's already causing problems!

You can't be friends with someone that would do that to you, and nor should your DH. If you get the money back, you might be better placed to support him with all he's going through at the moment.

If him having to give you back your own money causes him not to be friends with you, then you have lost nothing, as he's not your friend anyway.

[NoOnesGoingToEatYourEyes]

YANBU.

It doesn't matter why you asked him to hold onto it before you, he's spent it and not replaced it and it's been seven months since you first asked for it back!

He could have been paying you back at £10 a week in that time, even £10 a month would mean he only owed you £50 by now.

[fedupofnamechanging]

I don't think it is at all relevant why you asked him to hold onto that money for you. The fact is, it's your money and he spent it without your knowledge or consent. That's theft and if my friend stole from me, they would not be considered a friend any longer. It certainly is worth losing the friendship over.
Some people will put up with being very badly treated in the name of friendship, but stealing from you is not how a true friend behaves.

What he should have done is a) asked to borrow it and b) been honest about what he has done and repay you asap. Then you would have a chance of salvaging this friendship. As it is, he is lying and avoiding you.

Stop feeling guilty OP and get back what is yours.

[StopRainingPlease]

I'm not sure how "ruining a friendship" comes into this. He has taken her money and not paid it back. No sign of paying it back, or attempting to. But if she asks for it, she is the one "ruining a friendship"? If he keeps it, he is the one ruining the friendship, surely. Besides which, he is avoiding her anyway.

[grumplestilskin]

I don't think she should leave it to save the friendship, I just think its a waste of time if her friend is now how she was then

[dexter73]

He didn't take the money without consent, he was short of money and the op said he could borrow her money. He just hasn't paid it all back yet.
I think you should leave it until after Christmas and then see if you can set up some sort of repayment.

[fedupofnamechanging]

He did take it without consent, because the Op said he could borrow it and repay it, which he told her he'd done. He didn't have permission to borrow it again (if he repaid it in the first place). As far as the Op was concerned, the money was supposed to be there when she asked for it.