To think this nursery may be crap

[willowsmyname]

I want other people's perspective on this as I don't think I've got any! Long story but we got a place 3 days a week for 13mo DS at the nursery we wanted in August. I wasn't going back to work until the end of September but we took the place in order to secure it and thought that he could have a long settling in period. We started him with a couple of hours here and there and worked up to about 5 hours so he could try eating lunch and sleeping there. We then went abroad for 3 week so he had me and DH full time and sleeping in lots of difference places. After we came back we had one more week of settling in before starting back at work. I've now been back at work for 3 weeks so he has been doing full days for 3 weeks. We've had the usual crying when I dropped him off and picked him up and he didn't sleep there in the beginning but now sleeps for over an hour and eats really well. He's also stopped crying when drop him off and seems really well at home and full of beans. No excessive clingness or night waking, nothing that I was bracing myself for. Since he started they've said that he cries on and off throughout the day but again I wasn't too concerned about this as it's only properly been 3 weeks so thought this was usual settling in behaviour.

The problem is that on Friday they basically told me that they think he's taking an unusual amount of time to settle in, that they think the crying is too much and that nursery might not be the best thing for him. They'll give it another 2 weeks and review whether they want to kick him out!!! They also said that he doesn't take part in the activities on offer and that he's unsettling the other children. Bear in mind though that this all came out when I asked them how he was getting on rather than them approaching me to discuss an apparent problem. I was really upset at first thinking I had a child with abondonment issues or socialising issues. But the more I've thought about it over the weekend the angrier I've got. It's only been 3 weeks proper for goodness sake. Are they really telling me that all children settle in without any tears at all in this time??! Plus I don't think he's very unhappy there as I would know surely. I don't think they're being fair at all. 3 weeks for goodness sake - I really don't think that's long enough! Also - taking part in the activities - wtf! He's 15 mo! What do they expect - group role play? ALso he's a baby - he's going to cry on and off.

What do other people think about this? Am I Just being blind to the situation and desperately don't want to accept that we have a problem? Or are they being utterly unreasonable in thinking he should have settled in properly by now? I'm not sure that the nursery is suiting his needs if they expect him not to cry, to take part in activities etc at 15 mo? Do I want him to carry on going to a nursery that is prepared to give him a chance or worse still that is apparently unwilling to have upset babies on their hands?!

[Birdsgottafly]

I switched from a childminder to a nursery because the CM thought that she would do better in a bigger group, so it might be the same for your DS.

It does seem a little soon, though.

[smackapacca]

That's hard on everyone.

I would be pleased that they are communicating with you. It's too easy for them to say 'no he's fine'.

I would ask to speak to his keyworker/nursery manager for some strategies/advice on how to proceed.

Don't try to decide whether or not it's the right place yet. Hopefully that was just a throw away comment from a worker after a long week.

[littleducks]

Honestly I think the onnly mistake they have made is that they did not approach you and that this came to light when you asked them.

Does he cry on and off at home?

[whomovedmychocolate]

I think the holiday has put you back to square one. I would remind the nursery he has been out of routine and that has not helped and how will they help to ensure he settles.

[Groovee]

They seem to be expecting too much. Thats from a NN's POV. I found full time children took around 4-6 weeks to fully settle while part time children could take up to 8 weeks. 13 month olds cry as it's often their way to letting people know what's wrong.

Personally I'd make an appointment and go over this with them. The ratio's should be low enough to allow them to help settle your child in properly and at his rate, not what they expect.

[thisisyesterday]

actually, i think yabu

if he is unhappy there, and tbh crying on and off ALL day and not wanting to take part in anything they do does sound pretty unhappy to me, then they are right... you should consider a different setting for him

i don't think it's normal for a toddler to cry on and off all day at nursery after having a long settling in period and then another 3 weeks of full days tbh. and personally I would far rather know about it and be able to remove my child

it would absolutely kill me to think of my toddler not playing with anyone or joining in with anything and crying without me at nursery if i am totally honest with you.

[LucyLastik]

We have a child (3yo) who has been settling since MARCH of this year with his mum. It is only just this week that she has been able to leave him and go into the room next door for half an hour or so, so the nursery is BU and instead of threatening to kick him out, they should be working with you to develop strategies to support him (and you!) as he continues to settle.

[thisisyesterday]

but groovee he has been there since august... bar a recent holiday. so it isn't like he has only been there 3 weeks.

[Selks]

"abandonment issues"....."socialisation issues"......he is ONE FFS!!

Sounds to me that the nursery is actually being a good one by telling you that he is unhappy. Would you rather not know?

[thisisyesterday]

since march???? and no-one has thought that maybe the child isn't ready for nursery yet?

that's heart-breaking :(

[JamieComeHome]

I have no experience of nurseries for children this age, so I can't really help with that, though it does strike me as really early days to decide if he'll settle.

But I'm struck by you talking about "socialisation" and them talking about "joining in". No way my first would have joined in with other children at this age. He would have wanted to potter about doing his own thing, observing other DCs, and being comforted when he was upset about something. That's really normal for many 13month olds. I don't think a nursery would have suited DS1 if this was the expectation of the staff.

[witchwithallthetrimmings]

They told you, this is good. I settle my dd who was having problems by staying with her for an hour the first day, then taking her away , next day we did 2 hours, the the third we did the full morning, on the fourth day i left her for 10 mins, the fifth for an hour. By the next week she was fine. I saw children who did not settle and tbh is it horrid for them and for everyone around them. There is a big difference between not being happy and finding separation difficult and not settling, I would speak to your key worker to find out more

[RitaMorgan]

Well, if he is miserable and crying on and off all day then maybe nursery isn't the best place for him? 13 months is very young and some children just don't suit a nursery environment.

3 weeks is quite a long time for a 1 year old to still be crying all day imo. I think they were right to tell you. Setting a time limit to review things and consider whether he would be better off elsewhere is the right thing to do.

[troisgarcons]

If the nursery were 'crap' they would take your money and not give a toss about your childs well being. YABU.

Personally, At that age i would use a CM.

[RitaMorgan]

I think the point about not taking part in activities is fair enough if they are saying he doesn't want to play with anything there because he is unhappy. I'm sure they aren't expecting him to be engaging in group play at this age, but you'd expect a happy, settled child to engage in something while there.

[TheOriginalFAB]

They definitely should have spoken to you before you asked but some child care services just don't do this. I sent my 2 year old to a playschool and she would cry but they seemed to be able to settle her quickly. After 5 months I was told she was no better settled and they would get outside help in if it carried on. I removed her immediately.

You must go on your instincts.

Forget the time he went before your holiday. You have to start from scratch when you have a break like that at the beginning of a new situation.

[JamieComeHome]

I do agree that the nursery is being very responsible by talking to you about this.

I just wonder if nursery is too stressful for some children (DS2 would have loved it)

[Piggyleroux]

yabu. What thisisyesterday and ritamorgan said.

[LucyLastik]

Can I just point out that I am in pre-school rather than nursery. Our child is happy to play as long as mum is in sight. This family are not using the pre-school because of work commitments, more to ensure the child experiences socialising with other children. The child has never spent any time away from his mum but is now beginning to move away from her. Mum was insistent that we perservered and at the end of the day, we can suggest that children aren't ready for the whole group care experience, but ultimately we have to respect their wishes, which is what we have done in this instance. It's not because we are crap or don't have the child's interests at heart.

[RitaMorgan]

Jamie, you're right - nursery just isn't right for some children. Can't believe the nursery mentioned above has been trying to settle a child since March and they haven't suggested to the mum that it isn't the right setting for him

[hayleysd]

I'm a Childminder and a girl I look after used to go to nursery 1 day and me 2 days, she never had any tears or upset coming to me but used to scream for the half hour drive to nursery and all day and hated it so mum had to take her out and she has thrived with me, we go to allsorts of places and groups so she's not missing out she just prefers the closer bond with less children, if they're not prepared to try I think i'd be looking at alternatives.

[LucyLastik]

RitaMorgan, did you not read my post?

[TheOriginalFAB]

Good God hayleysd, that has just made me realise why DD hated playschool and nursery so much .

[JamieComeHome]

DS1 found lots of other children overwhelming at that age, and neede to have lots of time to do his own thing in a quiet place. DS2 did not - the more the merrier for him. They are still both inclined that way at 11 and 8.

[hayleysd]

Why fab??