Pre-school nursery, do I take DD out?

[welshbyrd]

DD 2.5yrs. Has been going for about 6 weeks now, 2 days a week.

1st week we both went for 30mins, 2nd day 45mins, gradually me leaving sitting outside [sneaking off without her seeing me, but being in the building in case she become too upset]

2nd week, she clung to me for 20 minutes, then would play with the activities, but checking every minute or so to make sure I was still there. When she was engrossed, Id make a run for it . I would stand outside door, for 5 minutes, just to make sure she was ok [I could hear her cry for a minute, then she would stop]

Its been the same for the last 4 weeks, last Monday, after DD clinging to me, crying if I was not close enough to her etc [she knew I would be leaving her], discussed it with one of the members of staff, and we agreed her next day in [Wednesday], I would just drop her in, would not actually enter the room, but send her in the doors and leave, she cried, again only for a minute.
When Im gone after intial crying for a minute, she is fine.

However, she does not play with the other children, if a child approaches her she walks away. She will not sit on the group table for snack, she sits on a sofa on her own nearby. Staff have told me she does not like a fuss, and when she is crying she does not like the staff approaching her.

She is supposed to be in this morning, she loves Minnie mouse, DS sent a Minnie dress up yesterday[it had belonged to one of my nieces] DD said she wanted to wear it this morning [she was so excited about this dress, she loves Minnie mouse, and loves dressing up]. This morning she is refusing to get changed, saying she wants to stay in her PJs, and does not want to wear the dress, nor does she want to go to school. Its to late to send her now.

I was weary before she started the pre-school, was not sure she was ready for it, told staff this, and agreed to see how she goes.
Every time I pick her up she is happy to see me, is happy, says she loved it, and tells me what she has done

The problem is DD behavior has improved leaps and bounds since she started the nursery. Basically DD has run rings around me and DH since birth, she still wakes in the night, she is bossy, demanding, and sometimes very hard-work
What do I do? pull her out? wait until Wednesday and see what happens? Or give it longer? Try again after Christmas?

[gordyslovesheep]

keep sending her and stop etting her dictate to you - she is a child - you are the adult

[GuillotinedMaryLacey]

I would give it a while longer. DD was like this for the first couple of months at pre-school and it was heartbreaking but I knew that once she calmed down, she loved it. Then suddenly she clicked and she's mad for it now.

[FourEyesGood]

She's only been a dozen times or so; she'll get used to being left there. If she tells you she's had a great time when you go to pick her up, it can't be that bad! Persist.

[WilsonFrickett]

She's playing you OP. She says she doesn't want to put her clothes on and suddenly it's too late to send her to pre-school? Her behaviour is improving because she's getting structure, exercise and stimulation, as well as learning to get on with other people whom she can't wrap round her little finger. Get her in her clothes and take her to school.

[Fuzzywuzzywozabear]

I wouldn't pull her out.

My dd hated pre-school to start with. She used to hide under the table and only my ds could get her to come out (they were there at the same time) she often used to poo herself because she was too worried about telling someone she wanted the toilet. I was all for pulling her out but pre-school persuaded me to leave it and convinced me they'd dealt with worse! I kept her in and after the half term break she went back in as happy as larry and never looked back

[JarethTheGoblinKing]

Stick with it a little longer. Also, drop and run with less of the hanging about.

She'll make friends too, it'll just take time

[whathappenedtom]

I would keep sending her. I wouldn't be surprised if in another couple of weeks she has stopped crying all together.

It does sound like she is used to being in charge!!

[whathappenedtom]

Ys and I agree stop the hanging about, drop and go. Ang get her ready and take her today even if its just for an hour.

[PrincessScrumpy]

It sounds like she's trying to make you feel guilty rather than being truly unhappy - she is also probably picking up on your anxiety (which is natural).

There is a book called "Owl Babies" which we got in our Bookstart pack. I read it to dd - it's all about a mummy owl who leaves her babies and they get worried until she returns and says "but you knew I'd be back". It's all about reassuring dd that you will pick her up. Sneaking off is never a good idea, much better tyo say a real goodbye darling, have lots of fun and you can tell me all about it later (even if dd is crying, sound cheerful).

Re her playing with other kids - some children do this later than others, at 3 dd1 was quite a loner - now she's 3.5 she has lots of friends and is playing with the others. Do you have friends round to play with her at your home?

If she's not sleeping though, that makes them harder work - never underestimate the difficulties caused by tiredness in a lo! She also gets away with things at home and not at nursery by the sound of things - perhaps you could take on nursery rules at home so it's not so different for her.

Finally, if you like the staff, feel dd is safe and that it is an issue with dd and not the nursery then keep her there, if however you are unhappy with the nursery, take her out and find another.

Good luck

[laluna]

I wouldn't take her out either. I would stick at it. You acknowledge yourself that she is controlling you and it sounds like time for some boundaries. I think she is displaying fairly common behaviour when starting play school/nursery and it can be tough on the parent, but, time to regain control! You are not harming her.

[grubbalo]

My son is 2.5 and has been going to nursery ever since he was about 9 months old. I am currently on ML and his older brother who used to go with him has just started school, so it's all a bit different (and he's only going 2 days a week at the moment). We never used to have a problem but in the last 6 weeks he is distraught every time I drop him off - it's horrible and has really made me question whether I should keep sending him. The thing is, I have hung around outside on a couple of times and I can see that he calms down really, really fast - plus we often have the same situation on the way home, i.e. he cries because he doesn't want to leave!

I think at 2.5 they really know how to pull at your heart strings, and because they can actually talk to you it makes you feel worse. I completely trust my nursery and they have said they will let me know the minute it is more than "normal" dropping off behaviour - so long as you trust your nursery too, then I'd keep going - I'm sure it will get better.

Incidentally I am seeing some real positives about my oldest having gone to nursery now - he is obviously used to a lot of children in one room, the noise that creates, the fact people want you to sit down with your legs crossed and just listen sometimes. Not that if you don't send your children to nursery they won't be absolutely fine when they go to school, but I can certainly see some real positives about the fact he did go (which makes me feel better about things - I suffer from terrible mummy guilt about working).

[Ghoulwithadragontattoo]

I'm just in the process of settling my DC2 (only 18 months though) into nursery. He too is upset when I leave him but miraculously cheers up as soon after I've gone. He is actually going for his first full morning tomorrow. In your case I think I would stick with it and get the staff to make sure sure DD is joining in with the other children as much possible. Once she has little friends to join in with she will start to enjoy the experience more. Good luck!

[indiastar]

She's two and a half - give her a break and take her back in a few months time. I did this with my ds and he went back when he was three and was like a different child - he loved it.

[pinkdelight]

Are the two days a week consecutive? It can be extra tricky when they don't go for long enough to really get into it. Not saying she should go full-time or anything, but just that I actually found my DS adjusted better the more days he went, consecutively. Also I wouldn't worry too much about the not joining in thing. That doesn't always happen till they're older, and some kids just aren't big joiner-inners. Sounds like she knows her own mind! But agree you should be the boss.

[Fo0ffyShmooffer]

I agree with everyone above. Stick with and brook no argument. We had almost the exact same issues. DD started nursery 2 days when she was 2.5. She loved it. When she turned 3 and moved from under 3s to the big nursery 5 days she cried her eyes out every morning then cried again when I collected her. I stopped fussing and hanging around. I gave her a kiss said have a lovely time and went. 5 weeks on she goes running in. She has had 2 weeks off with croup and I anticipated being back to square one this morning but she was happy to be there.

Persevere. With regards to her separating herself at certain times, well nursery will deal with that. She is pushing against a routine and conformity she isn't used to but it will come.

[welshbyrd]

Thank for all your replies.
My original post has made DD sound like a tearaway, and she has no boundaries at home, she has. Her behavior has improved massively since January, I think as one poster has already said, the waking in the night is not helping,she will not sleep during the day either,its been pretty much like this since day one. She does not always get up through the night, out of the 7 days 3-4 she will.

Her demanding behavior is down to me and DH im afraid,started from her birth. I had a cot death a few years back, a very very beautiful 5 month old baby boy. I could not do the CC, or leave her to whinge for 10mins, everytime she cried, DH or I would pick her up.
We do not allow her to run riot in the house though, she is disciplined, and given boundary
Gosh do not even know if this makes sense

[Ineedacleaneriamalazyslattern]

I agree that you hanging around is doing absolutely no favours whatsoever and I speak from experience.
DS1 would cling to me sobbing if I was there but would just get on with it if I just gave him a big smile a kiss and cuddle and leave telling him I was going shopping and would be back to collect him soon.

He took a while to go and sit at the snack table and mix properly with the other children. He enjoyed it there just like your dd seems to.
It does sound like she is in control and I would be getting her dressed myself and taking her in even if it is just for the last hour.

Usually at such a young age I would be saying oh she's young take her out and give it time but this situation reads differently your dd seems to be enjoying herself once she is there and you are gone so i would persevere and take some control of the situation.

[whathappenedtom]

Sorry Welsh that is really hard. Totally understand where you are coming from.

[welshbyrd]

Pink delight Mondays and Wednesday are her days in, the first week, we did everyday, 30 mins on the Monday, Tuesday 45mins, until the Friday 2 hours
She does 9.30am-12

The idea was to do 2 days a week, and after Christmas moved to 3.[Monday, Wednesday, Friday]

DD does interact with other children at home, with 8nieces/nephews and a very close family, she see's at least 2 DCs each day, also should have mentioned, DD is not an only child, she has DB 8yo, and older DS13yo [who believe it or not are fantastically well behaved DCs, its just the little one .

[Pancakeflipper]

She's smart your daughter. She can sense you have a totally understandable anxiety following the horrible cot death of your son.

She is being very emotionally intelligent and as the others say - playing you along.

My youngest has had horrible health issues and I was so anxious when he started going to daycare. Oh and he used to tantrum magnificently on my departure. Cry when I returned to get him. I would be so worried and tearful. Whereas as soon as I was out of sight he was toddling off creating mayhem in nursery without a care in the world. The nursery staff used to take pictures to prove it.

She is happy at nursery and gaining positive experiences from it. The socialising will happen when she is ready for it - how has she been with other kids previously ( your friends kids, toddler groups etc?). Sounds like she is comfortable in her skin and not that fussed at the moment about others.

Just keep talking to the nursery staff.

[DeWe]

DD1 clung to me for the first half term, and I'd stay for progressively longer each time. She had always had a great time when I picked her up. Then I thought about it, and agreed with the staff I would just dump and run. She gave a wail as I left, but within 30seconds had sat on the mat with the others, and didn't cry again when I dropped her off. She was much keener to go, and run in than when I was trying to settle her gently.

[LaWeasel]

I know it must be really difficult for you, but if she is enjoying it (and it sounds like she does, she'd just rather you were there too) then she probably wouldn't be happy if you took her out either!

[MIFLAW]

"This morning she is refusing to get changed, saying she wants to stay in her PJs, and does not want to wear the dress, nor does she want to go to school. Its to late to send her now."

Refusing to get changed? She is 2! If she doesn't want to get changed, then you change her. Or you take her in her pyjamas and take the clothes with you. When she sees you mean business, she will "let" you change her. Simple. Not easy, but simple.

Also, this is only my view, but I would not sneak away when she is looking lesewhere. That way she's going to be more clingy because she can't predict when you will leave. Take her to wherever you are taking her, whether it's in the room or at the door, stay with her and calm her down, tell her you are leaving, kiss her and tell her you love her, then leave. If she drags you back, repeat the process. Put her alongside another child or pass her over to the nursery assistant, say goodbye again, tell her when you will see her next, and say goodbye.

Different people will tell you different things, but I can't believe it is EVER a good idea to sneak off if you are hoping for the hysteria to calm down before her 5th birthday.

[hobnobsaremyfavourite]

I am ususually quite harsh about things like this but I can understan that your loss has really impacted on your ability to deal with thi situation. I also can really empathasise with just feeling too weary to deal with what's going on, sometimes it's just one battle too much.
However, I really feel if you can persevere with this it will help you and DD. DD will enjoy the experience and will gain socially as she settles and for you it will help you regain confidence and feel safe letting your little one go and knowing she will come back. The fear caused by your previous loss probably means that "letting her go " in any way is very tough.