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AIBU?

to be totally not unhappy about death (yesterday) of MIL

43 replies

Notatallnice · 23/09/2011 01:31

For the last 6+ years she has tried to ruin our relationship. Dh has been brilliant to my dc and I have tried to do the same to his. He is not with me now, understandably. I think that she has succeded. I feel nothing and do not know what to say to him. I cannot even compose a nice email. I only met her three times. It has been a torment for both of us for 6 years. And now she is dead. Thanks.

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peasandlove · 23/09/2011 01:32

erm feel however you like, but dont ever tell him the truth

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Notatallnice · 23/09/2011 01:39

succeeded.
I have never experienced such a lack of sympathy about a death.
I feel as though all her hate has been for nothing.
I don't think we can get over this. I think that she has won.
God Rest Her and all that.

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Notatallnice · 23/09/2011 01:42

thanks, peas, I am holding off until I compose.
'Gather, gather...'
(Kate Winslet reference there but I am sure you got that)

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MarginallyNarkyPuffin · 23/09/2011 01:43

Well don't say that ^

And what you feel isn't really the issue right now. It's not your mother who died. Whatever she was to him, even if she interfered with his relationship and caused him trouble, she was his mother.

If you care about him at all then a simple, 'Sorry for your loss,' would do.

She's gone. Show him some compassion. Even if inside you're numb or relieved. Once you have done that deal with how you feel.

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Notatallnice · 23/09/2011 01:43

Don't mean thanks she is dead. Mean thanks for the misery of the last 6 years. For what?

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peasandlove · 23/09/2011 01:44

you're probably a bit shocked. When my FIL died I was like that, even though I liked the man, yet I can watch someone die on TV and be in floods of tears.

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Thumbwitch · 23/09/2011 01:46

When you say he is not with you now, do you mean he is at his parents' place - or do you mean that you have separated?

The easiest thing to say to him is that you are sorry he has lost his mother, it must be hard to lose your mother. Regardless of how you feel about her, it IS still hard to lose your mother and he must be feeling it.

Never tell him you are glad she is dead. You don't have to be sad she is dead either, that would be hypocrisy - but you can be sad for him if he is sad. Be sad that he hurts. Cut her out of the equation - just feel sorry for him hurting.

And DON'T let her win!

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MarginallyNarkyPuffin · 23/09/2011 01:48

Sorry. That was overly harsh. She's done all the damage she can do. The relationship might be done. Don't let her take away your humanity with her bitterness.

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Notatallnice · 23/09/2011 01:48

NMP, yep, that is the way I am trying to go. That is what I am telling myself, but is helpful to be told.

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Notatallnice · 23/09/2011 01:56

I did not articulate my anger because I thought it would come to a head. It doesn't matter now. It was quite sudden (we had just got a stair lift and a hoist for the bath). It was a weird snob thing that I tolerated.

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Thumbwitch · 23/09/2011 02:02

As you are sounding quite disjointed, I am going to agree with peasandlove and suggest you may be in shock, because the weight on your relationship's shoulders has just disappeared and you don't know what to do/how to react.

It's like being let out of a dungeon into the bright light of day - you're disorientated. Give yourself some time.

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Feminine · 23/09/2011 02:05

I am confused ...sorry,the bath and hoist bit?

You have met her only 3 times? :)

How did she succeed in ruining things?

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Notatallnice · 23/09/2011 02:05

Given that I made it a policy not to speak ill of her I might as well not start now. There is no point speaking ill of the dead. I might start speaking ill of the living. I just feel nothing. He feels awful. He is at the family home(doing undertaker/admin)

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Notatallnice · 23/09/2011 02:10

We got the hoist and stair lift fitted because it was clear that the two of them needed a lot of help. I spent a lot of time looking into nursing homes and suitable houses nearer to us so that we could help. The hoist and the stairlift have only been fitted in the last month. I don't know what fil will do. I don't think he will stay. I think he will probably move in with his sister but obviously it is very very early days.

@

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Thumbwitch · 23/09/2011 02:11

Fem, I think the bath and hoist bit was to show that her death was quite sudden, not a protracted illness that was expected to be terminal any time. But I coudl be wrong of course.

If your DH knows how much pain his mother caused you then it is doubtful he expects you to care that she is dead from your own POV but you HAVE to make the effort to care about his feelings. Otherwise, yes, she will win.

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Notatallnice · 23/09/2011 02:11

@Fem; hard to explain but snobbish. Wrong background, wrong school, get rid of. I gave up, more or less. And pish!

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Notatallnice · 23/09/2011 02:16

Btw, in terms of my own death, or the deaths of my parents, it was a good death. Very, very well cared for and comfortable in the last 10 days. We wouldn't have installed the hoist and the stairlift if we thought she was about to die, obviously. She had a full time carer. Who is very nice. And a husband by her side. She was 85. I didn't kick her down the stairs!

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Toomanycuppas · 23/09/2011 02:19

If the hoist and stair lift are no longer required in the home, contact the manufacturers to see if they are willing to buy them back from you to sell second-hand. I have a friend in a similar business and the people who need these aids often pass away soon after they are installed (or even soon after the orders are placed and manufacturing has commenced).

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Feminine · 23/09/2011 02:24

Oh ,thanks for explaining further.

Yes,I guess I would be feeling a bit numb/shocked too.

Go easy on yourself for now, see how things transpire maybe?...:)

Good luck, I hope your life becomes calm very soon.

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Notatallnice · 23/09/2011 02:26

Will do in time toomany. I have had my eye on that sort of market iyswim for a while, but not thought about it in the last 48 hrs. Thanks for practical advice.

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Notatallnice · 23/09/2011 02:33

'If your DH knows how much pain his mother caused you then it is doubtful he expects you to care that she is dead from your own POV but you HAVE to make the effort to care about his feelings. Otherwise, yes, she will win.'

Just read that back, Thumbwitch (I know you are in Australia)

Might as well have a cry and pretend to be nicer than I am.

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Thumbwitch · 23/09/2011 04:55

Confused - I don't see how my post implied that I thought you should have a cry? I can't see how that would help, tbh.

Just tell your DH that you are sorry he is hurting over the loss of his mother. That should be true.

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PrincessFiorimonde · 23/09/2011 05:36

You don't need to have a cry, of course. But if your DH feels 'awful' (as you said in an earlier post), just support him.

And if you like your FIL, you may want to support him too. Or back up your DH if he wants to support his Dad.

('Support' may just mean saying 'Gosh, I'm so sorry she died, especially so suddenly.' Or it may mean something more practical - especially in the case of your FIL. Only you can think of the right things to do or say at the moment.)

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Gissabreak · 23/09/2011 06:41

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NotADudeExactly · 23/09/2011 06:56

Don't even bother feeling guilty - it's not as though she's around to be upset by your lack of compassion.

Just don't tell your DH how you really feel. Tell him something along the lines of how sorry you are that he's feeling so sad. That's presumably not even a lie.

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