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AIBU about (male) Best-friend??

(74 Posts)
gokeyyourself Wed 14-Sep-11 00:14:16

I'm pregnant with my first and Baby's 'father' is not and never will be in the picture.
When I was about 2months gone I moved city and bumped into a very old friend from my Uni days (we had been very good friends,but graduating in different years and moving to different countries meant we driffted apart) But bumping into each other in the park we became very good (best) friends - far better friends than we ever where in uni.

He has wanted to and offered to help me getting stuff ready for DC. taking me to hospital, helping me buy stuff, and actually appears attached to the bump. (I accepted his help/just being there)

I love that fact that he is doing those things when I didn't ask him to.

There have been incidences when I think our relationship is going to go 'futher' but then together we are 'touchy-feely' to each other

I welcome his help and his friendship above any help he gives. That is far more important to me than him doing anything for me and baby

But a few people have said some things about me 'using' him and it has made me doubt the way we are together and what he is doing for us

My DMum thinks that I am using him and exploiting his kindness (her exact words) and some friends (not in the group we hang out with but in other cities) have also said that I should 'let him go' now as once baby is born he wont want to be around.

AIBU by letting him do all these things and just ....(don't know how to explain it) ??

soggy14 Wed 14-Sep-11 00:20:16

my best friend is male. Why can't you be friends with a man? As long as he doesn't think that you are more interested in things going further than you are then fine.

Do you want things to go further?

gokeyyourself Wed 14-Sep-11 00:28:14

I don't think that is the issue (with people making comments and it is definatly not mine) re. Having a bloke as a bf. But him doing all these things for me and baby (and getting attached to bump) they think I am exploiting his kindness - and it has shaken me. I was wondering if it sounds like I am.

Go futher? honestly? We had flings in uni and now our just v.v.good friends so I could see it happening. I do wonder if that is what he wants. And at the moment I can't really tell if me thinking about it being something more is true and based on truth or just hormones and being close to each other plaing tricks on each other.

squeakytoy Wed 14-Sep-11 00:31:45

I think you both need to have a serious chat. It sounds to me like you are both attracted to each other but also both scared of voicing this and making the next step.

Ultimately, it is nobody elses business either.

soggy14 Wed 14-Sep-11 00:32:14

imagine that he was female - would it be okay then - ie would you worry if your best girlfrined was becming attached to your bump? If not then it is all fine.

madhattershouse Wed 14-Sep-11 00:36:52

If he is happy and he makes you happy then I don't see a problem. Being touchy-feely does not mean that it will definately go further but if he wants to help be a little careful. Do you want things to go further? If not back away, he may be trying. He may not but you must put yourself first. Take a good look at the situation, be honest with yourself. If you think he may want more then be sure it is what you want before you accept his help, things can all too easily get complicated and you really don't need that at this time. Be sure of what you both want, a misunderstanding can get nasty. If you both feel the same, be it friends or relationship, then sod anyone who puts you down. You still have a life to lead!

RueyBoey Wed 14-Sep-11 00:41:34

As far people thinking you are exploiting and using him first off it is none of their business. But second He is a adult, he is incharged off his own person and his own choices. He is chosing to be a lovely person, he is chosing to be your friend and he is chosing to be involved with your to-be-baby. END OF

with a relationship like you are describing you have to tread carefully, think about it, be honest with yourself and then discuss it with him if you feel there is something to be discussed. You may be surprised but then he may not share your pov and at the end of the day you have to be okay with either one.

meoddplease Wed 14-Sep-11 01:01:56

As others have said. it is no one elses concern. He wants to, you welcome it great enjoy yourselves

It's your relationship though that you need to truely think about. Whether it is taking it further or just being friends. You have to be honest with yourself. Make sure whatever course of action you take it is what you both want. And if you both want different things then maybe it is time to start backing away slightly from the relationship. But ultimatly yo are adults you can decide for yourselves (just don't wait to long it is unfair on him, unfair on yourself and could be ultimatly unfair on your DC)

janeandmichaelbanks Wed 14-Sep-11 01:44:22

Of course you're not BU. What a odd notion that you are being. You and him can choose your own actions and what you do. Remind your DMum of that.
Again think carefully about what you want in reguard to him. be sure of yourself and don't rush into anthing. But the point is OP that you can have that choice it is your life (again remind DMum and other friends of that) and you still have to live it with or without DC and that may mean taking a 'gamble' on a relationship with this man. But be sure before doing anything.

ZonkedOut Wed 14-Sep-11 04:57:31

YANBU, it doesn't sound to me like you are "using" this guy, he's being lovely and supportive, and you are good friends.

You may want to have a chat with him about expectations though, to be sure you're both on the same page as to where this is going and where you want it to go.

sodoyouaccept Wed 14-Sep-11 09:35:49

of course YANBU. you are friends, he wants to do these things.

Same as everyone else - Think seriously about what you want and talk to him about it all. Not doing so will leave you in limbo/wondering

fedupofnamechanging Wed 14-Sep-11 09:40:50

Using someone means deliberately setting out to get something from a person that you do not particularly care for.

That is not the case here. I think you should relax and see where this goes. He may turn out to be the love of your life, he may not. Either way, at the moment you enjoy each others company and I'm sure you would help and support him in his life as he is helping and supporting you.

It's nothing to do with anyone else, as you are both single and free to do what you want.

CailinDana Wed 14-Sep-11 09:43:10

Hmmm. I have been in a somewhat similar situation and at the time I would have said "he's a grown adult, he knows what he's doing.." but when it became clear later that my friend wanted more I saw that he had read a lot more than I had into what had happened between us and in a way I did take advantage of his kindness. I was a bit angry too as it seemed to me that his kindness was a way of buying my love but in the end I saw that he was hopelessly in love with me and was really wishing that by being everything for me I would suddenly fall hopelessly in love with him. It was a horrible situation in the end and we're not really friends any more.

I think you need to have a chat with him, just to clear the air. Tell him you appreciate his help and bring up the concerns your family have. If nothing else you need to know how much you'll be able to depend on him once the baby is born because if he suddenly drops out of your life that could be very difficult for you.

Good luck with the baby!

whackamole Wed 14-Sep-11 10:57:20

Unless you are openly bragging to people about how you have this new guy who is willing to run around after you and spend money on the baby, I really don't see what the problem is. He is a grown adult, if he doesn't want to do any of those things then he wouldn't!

GloriaVanderbilt Wed 14-Sep-11 11:01:51

Do you think he fancies you? IME people often do this sort of thing if they want to be with you.

If he did, would you want to be with him?

The best way to tell if you are using someone is to look at what they are doing for you - or you're asking/expecting them to do for you - and ask yourself if you would be happy to do the same for them.

If you would then ask away, accept their help

if you would struggle to reciprocate it, then put some distance between you. Or at least have a talk with him about his/your expectations.

gokeyyourself Wed 14-Sep-11 18:58:14

So pleased that I shouldn't be listening to friends and DMum. Thank you - I suppose I just had a wobble because of what they said.

In all fairness I wasn't expecting about our relationship eg together or friends. But actually you all saying it has truelly made it obvious to me that I have to seriously think about what i want in relation to him and that I have to talk to him about it- but honestly I now couldn't imagine not having him around.

Thank you

WhoseGotMyEyebrows Wed 14-Sep-11 19:06:30

I think people are being very mean. He wants to be there for you and that's up to him. You're not forcing him, how could you?!

And who says he won't want to be around once the baby is born!? I am sure he realises that it's actually a baby that's about to pop out of you. They are assuming that he is stupid!

He is providing support to you at the moment which is very sweet and he obviously thinks a lot of you. Why are the people you know trying to take that away from you? Why shouldn't you have that if it's on offer? He is doing it of his own free will FFS.

Your mum I suspect is being old fashioned in her thinking that a man wouldn't want to be around another mans baby. As for you friends . . . well I don't know.

WhoseGotMyEyebrows Wed 14-Sep-11 19:07:29

but honestly I now couldn't imagine not having him around

aaah, that's so sweet [mushy emoticon]

letspickgoogleberries Wed 14-Sep-11 19:32:33

OP I think you have your answer 'I now couldn't imagine not having him around. '

Cocoflower Wed 14-Sep-11 19:34:15

I think this is a lovely situation! Its like something out of a movie...

aldiwhore Wed 14-Sep-11 19:34:53

If you're sure he's going to be a good friend forever, you could ask him to be a Godparent or equivalent.... My Godfather is a dear friend to me, and both my mum and dad, but was Mum's best mate long before she met my dad (though they never had a fling, he came 'out' about 5 years ago... very private man).

It is worth having a chat about what will happen to you both when the baby is here, you could use the reason that you're worried he'll feel abandoned when you're up to your knees in nappies and sleep deprived. You obviously adore each other, whether that's romantic attraction or not only you can decide. ASK him if he feels like you're using him because you're worried about it.

He sounds lovely, as a friend or hmmmm.... husband?? wink Either way, have the chat, if he's happy and you're happy, sod the rest of them.

northernruth Wed 14-Sep-11 19:39:36

He sounds like a keeper. Why does everyone assume that he won't want to be around when the baby comes? but I agree that you need to examine your feelings for him and decide what you want, and then have a chat. Once the baby comes you will be too knackered to be sorting out your love life.

Good luck with it, and I hope it works out with him. Does he have a brother wink

pickupsticks Wed 14-Sep-11 19:53:08

If he is doing this stuff now, and you obviously know him, the chances are he will want to be around after baby born.

But do really think about your feelings. And most of all do what feels right for the both of you.

gokeyyourself Wed 14-Sep-11 20:20:58

northernruth Can I interest you in a gay brother? or perhaps a sister?

northernruth Wed 14-Sep-11 20:25:53

A gay brother would work very well, OP - that way DH couldn't object and would be off the hook with all the supportive and nurturing stuff ;-)

Sister doesn't really float my boat but I have a couple of friends who would bite your arm off grin

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