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AIBU?

an old friend of mine wants me to go see him

38 replies

saladsandwich · 26/08/2011 10:20

an old friend from when i was a child wants me to go see him, we've reconnected on facebook he's just lost his dad to illness and he has been messaging me just talking about it all, i lost my mum a few years back and he says im the only person he knows whose lost a parent and thats why he was messaging me.

he's home on his own for the weekend and he's asked if i can go to see him i'd have very very lively 2 year old ds with me who has never met this friend of mine and he is not the best behaved child i'm also not well at the moment and i would have to catch the bus he lives 3 villages away.

i want to help him, i know how lonely it is not having anyone and i've only just come to terms with losing my mum myself although the circumstances i lost my mum were not the same by a long shot, am i being a heartless cow if i dont go? he has a massive family, he has a g/f and child but for some reason g/f isn't around all the time.
AIBU to not go? i feel like a right cow not going but im trying to think of myself too im not exactly at my strongest and not at my most trusting either x

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MissVerinder · 26/08/2011 10:23

Salad, I don't think YABU.

You have to put yourself first.

ZillionChocolate · 26/08/2011 10:25

Can't he come and see you?

greencolorpack · 26/08/2011 10:28

How about compromising on the meeting place, go one village away and meet in a nice family friendly pub or cafe. That way you can always leave easily if the little one is playing up.

You have a family, the friend might as well come to terms with that fact and meet your child. He might be good with kids, you said he has a child? If he's not good with your son, you can judge his character and keep him out of your life from then on.

saladsandwich · 26/08/2011 10:43

thats a really good idea, i have real issues with trusting men, to be honest i'm rather scared of them and i haven't seen him for years. think this is whats bothering me he's not a close friend i'll add. i wish i could help him really do but i just dont think i can

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FiniteIncantatem · 26/08/2011 11:09

I don't think that you're a heartless cow if you don't meet him.
You are still dealing with your own loss, you are more than entitled to tell him that you don't feel that you are in a place where you can help him deal with his.

You have enough on your plate already, so I think that MissVerinder is right, you should be putting yourself first.

OTheHugeRaveningWolef · 26/08/2011 11:23

What green said. Meet up somewhere neutral. The last thing you need is to be in someone's house trying to extricate yourself from the embrace of an old old friend who has burst into tears on you and then confessed that he always held a candle for you all these years and couldn't you give it a chance, while you can see out of the corner of your eye that your DS has picked up a kitchen knife and is trying to shred the sofa.

I know I'm massively exaggeratedly imagining the worst-case scenario here but the point is that neutral territory would potentially be far, far less awkward for what could be an emotionally charged meeting.

greencolorpack · 26/08/2011 11:37

Are you a writer, hugeraveningwolef? Like your turn of phrase.

There's a lot to be said for meeting in an open public space with an opposite sex potential friend.

girlywhirly · 26/08/2011 12:07

Absolutely agree that if you do decide to meet him it should be somewhere neutral and public where you can escape from if it all becomes too heavy and difficult.

Remember that if he asks you in the future to meet him again and you didn't like the way it went before you can say no.

Anniegetyourgun · 26/08/2011 14:20

A paranoiac writes: I wouldn't meet him, honestly.

solidgoldbrass · 26/08/2011 14:23

Remember you don't owe him anything. Even if he is an 'old friend'. The fact that he is whining and trying to guilt trip you into visiting suggests you would be better off keeping a polite distance: people only start blubbering at old-friend-they-haven't-seen-in-years when they have alienated everyone else with an endless pity-party and a bucket of self-obsession.Just say 'I don't really think it's a good idea thanks, bye.'

springydaffs · 26/08/2011 16:18

blimey solid - you having a good day

saladsandwich · 26/08/2011 21:09

thanks for all the advice, definitely going to offer him a chance to talk maybe a walk round town then dinner in town. i'm worried he might hold a torch for me, the way he talks about old times, we met doing the same sports i haven't seen him properly for 10years, im definitely not going to meet him at mine or his, i told a close friend of mine and she reckons i shouldnt meet him, im to vulnerable and open to be used at the minute x

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solidgoldbrass · 26/08/2011 21:15

There are an awful lot of threads at the moment from women putting up with being treated like mugs by self-obsessed men because they feel they 'ought to be nice'. It's OK to back off, walk away, not be interested. Saladsandwich, if you are feeling low and miserable yourself, the last thing you need is some bloke latching onto you and using you as some kind of wailing wall, particularly when it's a man you haven't seen or thought of in years who doesn';t appear to be offering you anything.

saladsandwich · 26/08/2011 21:28

i know you are right, i'm really glad i posted this, its made me look at myself because this is the very reason i am single because i seem to attract these people who latch on and i help them but get nothing in return

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Poshbaggirl · 26/08/2011 21:38

Invite him to yours when your DH/DP is there. No confusion then. You can sit in the garden with a cuppa and chew it over.
Or maybe not. Thats what his own family are for.

saladsandwich · 26/08/2011 21:47

im on my own with ds, no dp/dh, i dont let anyone in to my home unless i really really know them, ds is also funny with visitors just plays up if he doesn't know them... i'm thinking i don't think i'm going to meet up with him at all, i mean when my mum died i literally had no one not one person even put their arm round me and i had ds a week after so i know how awful it can be to be alone but hes got a massive family, he's got his mum and 9 brothers and sisters

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Valetude · 26/08/2011 21:53

Agree 100% with SGB. Alarm bells ringing: he's very needy. Been through same on FB with old school 'friend'. I know he's just lost his dad but he also doesn't sound like he'll give you an easy time.

solidgoldbrass · 26/08/2011 21:53

He is not your problem. Just keep telling yourself that. Just because you knew someone years ago does not mean that you should now put yourself out for that person and cause yourself inconvenience and distress. IF need be, unfriend him on facebook and refuse further contact. It's perfectly OK to do that, you are not condeming him to misery - you say yourself, he has a family to look after him.

saladsandwich · 26/08/2011 22:02

i do this, think im going to have to remove facebook for a while, think maybe its not the thing for me, i know his family and i know his dads just died but my friend actually reckons he as seen a way in, common ground with me both losing parents...

hes just messaged me i told him i'm ill and i had drs today so wont be able to meet up for ages just to stall him while replies came on here, told him then i couldn't get in the drs and now he's messaged "I wish i culd make u better i thought u already had an apointment u wnt get in til tues nw u nd sum1 to luk after u if u want i wil cum to u"

i just dont know if i've got the heart to delete him and block him on my facebook, but i think i've got no choice now, i feel really panicky :(

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minxofmancunia · 26/08/2011 22:18

salad totally agree with SGB she's got it spot on as usual.

This man sounds like a stalker and an emotional vampire...you do NOT need him complicating your life and messing with your emotions. Please block him, like you say he's got ample support, he's trying to manipulate a way to get in with you.

saladsandwich · 26/08/2011 22:50

well, told him he couldn't come to mine, he realised he's over steped the mark, said dont take it the wrong way so i told him bluntly after that message that it will always just be me and my ds no one else, and not had no message back since... so hopefully he got the message :)

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ImperialBlether · 26/08/2011 22:50

You can't POSSIBLY meet a man who writes like that!

I'm really sorry for his loss, but for crying out loud he is writing like an illiterate teenager! How on earth do you think that any kind of conversation will be any different?

And of course, I'm really sorry for your loss. Much, much more sorry.

solidgoldbrass · 26/08/2011 22:54

Yup, this man is trouble. (Oh, and an immature fuckwit if he uses txtspk to that extent). Tell him that you wish him well but want no further contact with him. If he persists in trying to contact you, tell him that you will involve the police if necessary.
It's really important not to give people like this an inch. They have radar for those who are kind and vulnerable themselves, and will do their best to force their way into your life if given any encouragement. All the well-adjusted people around him will already have backed off and told him to get lost, hence him casting the net wider to find someone nice and insecure enough to feed off.

Chynah · 26/08/2011 23:00

If you have only just reconnected via facebok I think you need to think on the reasons you/him let this freindship go cold previously. Whatever romantic or otherwise reasons we like to dream about people who genuiely care abou each other rarely lose touch completely- however sporadic there exchanges are.

saladsandwich · 26/08/2011 23:05

im talking with a friend right now a bloke who has also lost a parent and his thoughts are similar to yours SGB, he reckons hes after me, hes posted on my fb wall saying hes got a photo of me, him and another on a karaoke when we where kids and my mate says he wouldn't be suprised if he's been obsessed for years and because i've shown him compassion that he's mis understood it for something else

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