Aibu to hope inlaws would help us out?-long

[pink4ever]

We are having major problems with our car. Has been in garage 4 times in last couple of weeks with engine problems. Power failed completey as dh was driving on motorway and he was very lucky not to be in accident.

Dealership refusing to help as we didnt have the car serviced by them.Dh needs car for work or will lose job.

I am furious with dh as I knew car still had problem and he wanted to drive ds in it. Thankfully it didnt start at all-a small mercy as I dread to think of it losing power again with them in it.

We have asked inlaws if we could borrow their car. They are going abroad this week to their holiday home and will be away for approx 6/7 weeks. We have borrowed their car before with no problems.

They have refused as fil believes dh crashed car and did not tell them. The reason he believes this is he got one of those scam letters saying your car has been in an accident. I heard about them on Watchdog.

However even though we pointed out to them that we didnt even have the car at said time of supposed accident and also that it happened in england(we are in scotland),fil still being an arse over it.

They have said they will lend us money for a hire car. However as it looks like our car has a major problem and could be in garage for weeks I dont see how this is feasable?. Also they would expect us to pay them the lump sum when they return from hol which we just couldnt afford to do.

Before I get loads of posters flaming me and saying inlaws dont have to help us-I know that. But I was brought up in a family where we helped each other out. They are in a financial position to help us(my family are not but would give us their last penny). Plus their car is going to be sat there for 6 weeks not being used when we desperately need it.

So am I bu to hope we would get a bit of help when we really need it?

[TryLikingClarity]

YANBU.

They will be on hols and don't need their car during that time.

Could you DH make it seem like at least the car will be used and looked after if he borrows it, whereas if it's left in their driveway it might get stolen?

[MrsGravy]

No flaming from me. YANBU. Families should help each other out if they can - I'd do anything for my parents and they would also help me in a crisis. I've never understood this wierd Mumsnet thing of never hoping a relative or friend might be able to help you when the chips are down. It's also particularly silly when FIL's reason for not helping is based on a ridiculous misunderstanding.

I don't know what to suggest though as obviously you can't demand that kind of help. I hope it works out for you somehow.

[itisnearlysummer]

I don't think YABU for hoping they'd lend you the car, but then it is their car and their decision. I don't have any suggestions, sorry.

[ZillionChocolate]

YANBU in hoping, but they don't want to help you and you can't make them.

[pink4ever]

Thanks for the replies so far. I am very angry with dh as he refuses to try and reason with them over borrowing their car. I just dont understand it-they know dh needs a car for work and he will lose his job if doesnt have one. Yet they would let us struggle. They try to make out they are poor pensioners-.Well sorry but no-poor pensioners dont own 2 homes,have loads of money in the bank and go on holiday 3 times a year.
I couldnt live with myself if I knew my dcs were struggling and I didnt do everything in my power to help them.

[Anniegetyourgun]

What weird Mumsnet thing, MrsGravy? The only times I've noticed posters being advised not to rely on their nearest and dearest is when they have toxic relatives who have repeatedly let them down. The only way not to feel let down by such people is not to expect anything from them in the first place. The rest of us are fortunate enough to have relatives who would do for us in a crisis as they would have every reason to expect we would do for them. It's not a Mumsnet thing though. It's a weird people thing.

[FabbyChic]

id say there is no reason why they should'nt lend you there car it is mean not to.

Tell the FIL that he can see the car has not been in a crash at the garage.

[pink4ever]

annie-thanks for your reply. This is another reason I am so angry. They have let us down in the past. Dh wanted to buy fil business when he retired. However bil then decided he wanted to buy it too. They chose to sell it to bil(for really shit reasons) who then changed his mind at the last minute and they sold it to someone else.
That was the one time I stood up to them-had row with fil. But since then it has all been swept under the carpet.
Dh thimks the sun shines out there arses and their shit dont smell. Oh yes it does!. They also have never offered to help us with babysitting/childcare. Again I dont expect them to do this but would be nice if they offered once in a blue moon. Again this is something they did for bil!.
Sorry for getting side tracked but am really at my wits end. They are coming round this afternoon and I dont know how I am expected to make them fecking cups of tea and pretend everythings all hunky dory.

[Earlybird]

FIL is refusing. Is MIL more reasonable/compassionate, and can you appeal to her?

Is there some other reason they would refuse to lend the car to you - for instance, has their car been returned to them in the past with dents/dings, no petrol re-fill, or messy/dirty interior?

If answer is still no, obvious questions are: what about public transport and/or ride-sharing for dh to get to work?

[pink4ever]

Thanks fabby. Think I will make an excuse to go out later as really dont want to be sat in the same room as them.

[pink4ever]

To answer questions-car has always been returned to them in pristine condition with full tank of petrol. Dh has also offered them money to compensate for use of car. Dont think appealing to mil would help-they are both as bad as each other.
My dh cannot use public transport as he would have to get a bus and 2 trains. Also he travels to different areas and has to be there at very short notice. He could probably get a lift to work(did this a couple of times last week) but doesnt like asking his collegue as doesnt live in same area and has to come out of his way. PLus again it doesnt solve the problem of him getting to other places at short notice

[Rowena8482]

Don't make them cups of tea or pretend anything. Say up front "I can't sit here and vsit with you today, I am too upset, and DH and I need to start planning for when we lose the house as he will lose his job soon since we won't have a car to get him to work." It probably won't affect their decision not to lend you their car, but it might make you feel a bit better knowing you've voiced your feelings. Then you and DH can sit down and think of all your options and see if there's anything you can do to sort things out. There must be something - would a local cab firm do a deal weekly to take him to and from work? (Can work out cheaper than all the individual taxi rides would because you book in advance, and might end up being the same/not much more than you'd have had to pay for petrol in your car)

[pink4ever]

rowena-I would love to say something like that to them but sadly I am not brave enough. The one time I voiced my unhappiness to them before(over a completely unrelated matter) it all blew up as they got bil involved and I ended up getting the blame. Also I know dh wont back me up on it.
Thanks for the suggestion over the cabs. I think we are just going to have to bite the bullet and hire a car. We will have to pay for it by credit card(which is already astronomical) so god knows how we can pay that back.
I wish I could tell them to stick their car up their arse.

[pink4ever]

Thanks for all the replies and suggestions. I am still sat here in floods but at least I have been able to vent a little. Am going to go for a coffee this afternoon and leave dh to entertain them.

[Earlybird]

How long have you had the car? Since you mention the dealership - presumably it was purchased as a second hand car?

Are you having it repaired (and if so, what is the estimate), or do you need to buy another? Is it worth repairing if it is having such major problems?

Maybe you need to focus on the 'big' picture here - what you are doing about a reliable car longterm, and how that will be financed.

Is there anyone else you can ask for help?

[Rowena8482]

Well in that case tell DH to make them tea and smile sweetly, you cannot bring yourself to be pleasant to people who would see your family lose everything DH has worked to provide. Then go out. I don't see how anyone can blame you for your inlaws being arsey, but if you're not there then it can't be your fault ;) And even if this situation, the war in Iraq, the banking crisis, and pirates in Somalia were ALL your fault, you still can't be made to be nice to people you're currently pissed off with!
And just in case you do end up making the tea and smiling sweetly (cos I know some things are easier said than done) just picture the old gits in lime green thongs and acrylic platform stripper shoes, being bitten on the arses by rabid raccoons.
Would it be cheaper to just buy an old banger to use for a few weeks than to hire a nice car?

[pink4ever]

earlybrid-I think the car was a year old when we bought it and we only had it 2 years. We already paid £350 to get it fixed which it clearly isnt. Garage has been very vague about problem but think they will now have to strip the engine down to try and find out what it is.
We simply cannot afford to buy another car. We have no savings,already took out a loan to buy this car and have lots of other debt. If the car cannot be repaired then we are up shit creek.
I suppose I could point out to inlaws that if they dont lend us their car then they may come back from hol to find they have 5 house guests?

[Earlybird]

Hmm. It is an upsetting situation - and I sympathise because I have similar unhelpful family.

The only other thing I can think of is to just be brutally honest - tell them you're skint, in debt, and barely keeping your heads above water. Tell them you're doing everything you can to remedy the situation, but your dh being able to work is crucial. Tell them you can barely afford the car repairs, and certainly can't afford to repair the car, and repay them for a rental car (though you appeciate the gesture). Show them your desperation/worry/upset about the situation - rather than your anger at them for being so unhelpful. Maybe ask them to brainstorm with you about what to do next?

Maybe, if you're lucky, they'll see that loaning you their car really is the best solution.

Good luck.

[pink4ever]

Thanks for all the really kind replies so far. It is nice to know that people care-even if our supposed family dont.
Dh and I are not speaking as he doesnt understand why I am angry with inlaws-wtf! plus he is basically inferring that it is all my fault as I made him buy the car

[Earlybird]

So - he's angry with you....what is his solution for dealing with the situation?

[allgoodindahood]

I'm shocked. Why do they favour bil so much and why cant your Dh see them for what they are? I hope my kids will always be able to rely on me to help them out. Yanbu at all

[MrsBaggins]

Is there a chance if you ring the garage and plead they might be able to lend you a pool car if they have one? You know the ones you get if you have a prang and go via insurance ?worth a try

[pink4ever]

Thanks for replies-they are here now so will update later.

[diddl]

TBH, I think that borrowing a car is a bloody big ask especially if it might be for a few weeks.

What would you do if they weren´t going away?

[signothetimes]

OP, if I were in your shoes, with your OH being 'accused' of having crashed their car while using it, you could get someone like the AA or RAC, or an independent motor engineer, out to give their car a full inspection, inside and out, to prove there is no damage, and no evidence of the car having been repaired. Any car involved in an accident, if repaired, shows signs of having been repaired, and a good motor engineer can determine if that is the case. If the scam you are talking about, is actually a genuine accident but with your FIL's car wrongly identified, an inspection of the car is something that would be used as evidence of the car not being involved (as well as statements about where the car was, when etc). It costs around £150ish to get this done.

If you get this done, it has 2 benefits - hopefully makes your FIL realise how out of order he is accusing your OH like that, and also maybe persuade them that your OH is reliable and they should help out if the reason they refuse to is proven to be bogus.