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AIBU?

That if my partner has a family day out with his child and ex, that he should tell me about it BEFORE I hear about it from her on FB...?

45 replies

vanillapod · 15/08/2011 11:02

Thats it really. I have no issue with them having family days out - I don't think it happens all that often, but he didn't mention that he invited his ex to join him and his daughter. He had opportunity to tell me ( I asked about their day via text) and he didn't mention her. Then it became obvious vis facebook. Thats what has upset me - that I learn about it from his ex.
Surely I deserve a bit of consideration?
We've been together for about 7 months, and its been quite serious.

What do you guys think???
:

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honeybehappy · 15/08/2011 11:24

You do deserve some consideration but their child also deserves a day out with her parents. I think it's great that they get on well enough to do it. If you trust him then whats the problem? are you friends with her on FB? did she tell you?

passingtime · 15/08/2011 11:25

I would be furious. That is completely disrespectful.

superv1xen · 15/08/2011 11:33

i get on ok with MY ex (ds's dad) but there is NO WAY i would go on a "family day out" with the two of them

because we are not a "family" because we have split up. i have a new family with my new husband and he would hate it if i did something like this, and vice versa, just so wrong.

"family" day out ffs, my god i would be hopping.

vanillapod · 15/08/2011 11:35

Of COURSE his child deserves a day out with her parents, I don't have an issue with that.
I'm not friends with her on fb. He posted a pic, I commented, then she commented as well - saying that she had a fabulous day with them. Which actually felt like I was being put in my place. Thats what upsets me. I am totally ok with them spending time as a family, but I (if I got on well enough with my ex) would mention it to my partner - not out of obligation, but just to share what I'm up to.

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troisgarcons · 15/08/2011 11:36

You aen't co-habiting. He's made no committment to you. He's a BF not a partner.

Frankly - the way this forum manges to slag off and emasculate men for being feckless and useless fathers en mass - it's rather refreshing that you've found a bloke who can put aside differences with an ex to give their mutual child a good day out.

BoneyBackJefferson · 15/08/2011 11:36

how do you know that he invited her?

vanillapod · 15/08/2011 11:39

When I asked about it, he said that he invited her

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VioletV · 15/08/2011 11:42

I think while it's lovely to hear a man outs aside his differences to have a family day with his ex and child, It is disrespectful to not tell you of it. I would be fuming and rightly so.

Have you spoken to him about it? What has he got to say for himself?

AnyFucker · 15/08/2011 11:43

it wouldn't be the day out that bothered me, nor the fact that she went with them

He gave his ex an opportunity to make you feel uncomfortable by lying by omission (which, in my book, is still lying)

I would not be at all pleased

I hate it when others make me look like a fool, or the last to know. I can do that all by myself, thank you very much...

Bizkit · 15/08/2011 11:46

I can understand why you are annoyed as you found out through fb, which I have found has caused so many problems between me and my ex(recently separated), the fact that she has commented after your comment would feel like she was rubbing it in.
Ive been on a few trips out with my ex and the kids but we've only recently split, I think things would change once either of us gets a new partner suppose thats a whole new ball game. At the moment we sort of still have feelings for each other but its very complicated.
I suppose its a case of whether you trust him

vanillapod · 15/08/2011 11:48

TROIS I DON'T have an issue with that!!! He is a fantastic father which is one of the things that I really appreciate about him.
I think your definition of BF and "partner" is meaningless. How do you know he's made no committment to me? Is telling me he loves me not a committment? And by your standards just how does one make the jump from "BF" to "partner" (which was his suggestion, as at my age "BF" sounds a bit silly. We're not 15) if there's no committment until you live together?

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LoveBeingAtHomeOnMyOwn · 15/08/2011 11:49

I agree it's the fact he didn't tell you, have you asked him why?

CurrySpice · 15/08/2011 11:52

troisgarcon I don't co-habit with my DP but I can assure you he is my DP. We have been together for years and share EVERYTHING apart from an address. Relationship saren't so black and white nowadays and here's a newsflash, women can live alone and/or with their kids and still be in a committed and loving relationship with someone - it's called the 21st century - welcome to it!

Anyway, back to the OP I think it's odd tbh. I get on well with my DC's dad (my ex) but it wouldn't cross my mind to go out for a happy families day out with him

And why have yu got your DP's ex on FB?

vanillapod · 15/08/2011 11:53

Violet - he says he won't discuss it via text (with which I wholeheartedly agree) but he didn't call, didn't send me my regular good night text, and didn't answer when I called. It was late when I called though.

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vanillapod · 15/08/2011 11:54

Anyfucker - well put - thats how I felt about it - foolish

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vanillapod · 15/08/2011 11:56

Curry - she commented on HIS wall. Very quickly after I made a comment on a picture of his daughter

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ShoutyHamster · 15/08/2011 11:56

As Anyfucker said.

Don't muddy the waters by giving him the option of making you look unreasonable by objecting to the day out.

Tell him that you do not appreciate him letting you look a fool by 'omitting to mention' stuff. Whether it be about days out with his child, putting the bins out, or his views on the Tory party.

Tell him it's undermining and corrosive and you won't stick around long if that's his approach to partnership.

Did he think you'd object to his ex and he taking their child out for the day? You clearly wouldn't have, although the notion of a 'family day out' is a very loaded one and there is a discussion to be had there. Point that out to him... and then point out that while you'e happy for his child to spend time with both their parents, you're not happy to be lied to by omission. Does he want a continuing, positive relationship with you? Then he needs to make the choice to not do that, and to realise WHY it is bad. Clue: it's nothing to do with him spending time with his child!

If he can't (or won't) grasp this, I would be prepared to move on VERY quickly.

VioletV · 15/08/2011 11:59

Oh so not only does he do his behind your back but he ignores your call and doesn't text? Because he has a right to be pissed at you?! Oh Lordy. Sorry OP Alarm bells are ringing here.

CurrySpice · 15/08/2011 12:00

OK, then why had he got his ex on FB?

As i said, I get on great with the ex but there is NO WAY I would want him reading my FB thoughs or knowing what I was up to too closely. FB is a dangerous dangerous thing tbh

If you're not careful though, he'll turn this round to make you out to be the jealous harpie!

ShoutyHamster · 15/08/2011 12:03

Hmm - updates aren't good. I have a feeling you're going to get the sulks and the straw man argument about him spending time with his child. Point out that an analogy would be perhaps you going for a meal with a big bunch of friends but letting him think that you were off out with just one. Then him posting a facebook 'hope you two enjoyed Saturday!' and getting a few jolly responses 'what do you mean two - we were all there!!!'

How would he feel? Silly? Embarassed? Times that by approximately 2000 as it's his ex - hmm, ask how he'd feel if an ex of yours had been there and you hadn't told him.

That's what you're objecting to. Don't let him talk you out of being thoroughly pissed off by the way - he was out of order.

If he's happy to set a situation up where his ex can get to make pointed remarks to you/score points off you, it's simply not worth it. In that sense, his loyalty needs to be with you. If he can't negotiate that, as a separated father, HE isn't ready for a new relationship. Tell him that.

AnyFucker · 15/08/2011 12:05

Yep, what SH said

vanillapod · 15/08/2011 12:08

That is rather what I'm worried about - that he's not ready for a new relationship, and that his loyalty is balancing a bit too much on her side. :(

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caramelwaffle · 15/08/2011 12:12

Well. It's as AnyFucker and Shoutyhamster say, really.

dolldaggabuzzbuzz · 15/08/2011 12:12

Many years ago I was in what I thought was a serious relationship with a man who enjoyed family days with his separated but not yet divorced ex. Turned out I was the ow in their ridiculous marriage set up.

AnyFucker · 15/08/2011 12:13

That may not be the case, VP

However, on this occasion he has rather demonstrated that by his actions

Have a very frank chat with him, and take it from there

But like SH said, if he attempts to make this all about your "issues" then he is certainly well on the way to hoisting that old red flag

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