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AIBU?

Make DS go to cub camp? Need thoughts quick.

58 replies

MugglesandLuna · 16/07/2011 07:53

Just want to point out that my DS is 10, and has AS traits

DS is supposed to be leaving for cub camp in an hour, now he says he doesnt want to go.

He went on another last month when it was particually cold, which I think has made him a bit nervous.

However there are three reasons I think he should go.

He said he would go. Its only a small camp and so only 40 places, it was oversubsribed but he got a place, therefore taking a place from another cub.
He needs to learn that he has to follow through on his word, and cant keep pulling out of things at the last minute. He told his Cub leader he would be going this wednesday.
(less importantly) I have had to pay £20 for the camp and £50 for all the bits he needs, which is alot of money for us.

If it wasnt for his AS I would be making him go, but I am doubting myself a little. He is a happy boy and I know he will enjoy himself when he gets there (just like all the things he has worked himself up about in the past). Lots of his friends will be there

AIBU to make him go. He is currenly sitting eating his breakfast one wheeto at a time, complaining that its raining.

OP posts:

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exoticfruits · 16/07/2011 07:56

I would make him go.Is it possible to tell him that you could pick him up if he is really unhappy? Either way tell the cub leader so they are prepared to encourage him.

catgirl1976 · 16/07/2011 07:57

yanbu - make him go. He will enjoy it when he gets there

SouthGoingZax · 16/07/2011 07:58

I'm with the posters above - he'll love it when he's there and if he doesn't you could always go get him later.

bananamam · 16/07/2011 07:59

Make him go

lulu05 · 16/07/2011 08:01

make him go and as others have said pick him up/speak to cub leader

Goblinchild · 16/07/2011 08:12

I'd take him, if he has AS it might be the transition bit that he's struggling with and once he's there he'll settle. The camp organisers will phone you if they really think he's struggling.
My son has AS, and it's often a case of helping him through the home/destination bit.

jugglingmug · 16/07/2011 08:23

Send him. There are probably a few other cubs at home this morning who are nervous and would pull out if they're allowed. I'd mention it to the leader, ask for her to ring you at tea time if he hasnt settled, and you will pick him up.

WannaBeMarryPoppins · 16/07/2011 08:35

Make him go. I was always incredibly nervous before camps. I actually used to get an upset stomach the first few times. Must have been hard for my mum to put me on that bus anyway.

What helped was her gentle encouragement. She reminded me why I wanted to go, what activities I was looking forward to and so on.

And she always promised that she would pick me up if something would happen or should I want to come home for whatever reason (those were 2 to 3 week camps).
That made me feel so much better, as I felt like I could go, try it out, and if I missed her too much would have the chance to come home.
I never made her pick me up, once you are at the camp it's just too much fun.
Could that work or do you think he would take you up on the offer?

CheerfulYank · 16/07/2011 08:39

I say make him go, too.

Mitmoo · 16/07/2011 08:41

Just make sure that he knows you will be there to collect him if he really can't stay, inform the cub leader of his anxieties and stay a while with him in you need to. Loads of reassurance is the key here I think and knowing that there is a way back home if he needs it.

ibbydibby · 16/07/2011 09:21

You haven't said how far the camp is from home - could you compromise and let him go for daytime activities only?

DS1 started cup camps at age 8 (I think). Loved the first 3, couldn't get enough of them, went on and on and on about them....4th time, he arrived with DH, and felt unwell so they came home again. Think this was genuine, as off colour all weekend, but the next time a cub weekend was lined up, he was all keen and raring to go again. Until he got there, and nothing whatsoever would persuade him to stay....so DH brought him home again. We were fortunate enough to live close to the camp (about 6 miles) so took him next morning complete with camping stuff, and encouraging him to stay the night. But no, got to 8pm and leader phoned saying he was asking to go home. Brought him home and took him back to camp the next day. I spent a very miserable weekend worrying myself silly that he was the only one not staying etc etc, but leaders were lovely, reassuring me that despite years of cub/scout leadership, camps etc, of their own 4 sons, 2 had refused to go on camps. I think it just takes one thing to put a child off, in DS1's case, feeling unwell, and in your DS's case possibly, the cold. DS1's reluctance to go anywhere lasted until Yr 6, when he worried himself into a big state over a 7 day school activity trip. He never actually said he did not want to go (if he had I may have pulled him out....) but just siad he was worried about feeling homesick. He went - was homesick - but had a whale of a time, and I really feel this was the making of him.

Not sure what I am trying to say here, but please don't beat yourself up if he doesn't go! (Realise frustrating re the money side of things though)

(Seems that DS2 also following in brother's footsteps - lasted one night at cub camp, and asked to go home, though think it was because he is a child who needs a bit of space, peace and quiet. Shouting and larking around went on till 3am and he was v miserable)

MugglesandLuna · 16/07/2011 09:34

Its not far away - about a 15 minute drive.

He is camping to get a silver award for survival - they are camping in the open which forms part of the badge so its not an option to do just the dayime only isnt an option, otherwise I would have considered it.

Cubs has really brought him out of his shell, given him confidence and cut the apron strings a little so I do really want to encourage it, but not too much that it has a knock-on effect.

He will be home tomorrow at 3pm, so its not too long for him to stick it out. DH has taken him and said he would stay a couple of hours.

OP posts:

Goblinchild · 16/07/2011 09:37

Mine's an explorer scout now, the experience has been very good for him.
The social skills he has learnt through being a member of the scouts has carried through into other spheres of his life, with very positive results.
It's worth a try, sounds like you've got a plan.

seeker · 16/07/2011 09:38

Make him go, but tell Akela or whoever and make sure she's got your number so you can collect him later if he's really unhappy. Don't tell him you will collect him - leave that to the judgment of the leader.

Mutt · 16/07/2011 09:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

worraliberty · 16/07/2011 09:42

I'm not sure what AS 'traits' mean realistically but my DS's used to get cold feet before they went away on overnight trips...they always enjoyed themselves when they took the leap and went.

Kladdkaka · 16/07/2011 09:44

My daughter has AS and I would never make her go to something like this. This isn't fun for an aspie, it torture, something to be endured. She's 17 and still won't go to overnight things.

Perhaps you can talk him into going just for the day instead? I've done that with my daughter and she can cope with that. The problem for aspies is that we have to work so much harder to do normal things because our senses are in overdrive. We absolutely have to have down time, away from it all, or we become overwealmed. Knowing you're going into that situation and you won't be able to escape to the safety of your home at the end can be too much.

Goblinchild · 16/07/2011 09:44

See, I always have done that with mine. I find that it reduces the anxiety of all involved. A child with AS may respond differently to a Get Home Free option to an NT child.
Mine also had a Time Out card that he used in lessons when he was getting stressed, he showed it and left the lesson. He never abused it.
How many other NT teenagers could be trusted like that?

MugglesandLuna · 16/07/2011 09:46

He has traits of Aspergers but not enough to make a firm diagnosis yet (he is currently going through a DX process, but 'traits' is all we have been told so far).

Its not just cold feet though, its a proper fear that something is going to happen to him or us. His anxiety goes through the roof and he starts chewing at his clothes or the inside of his mouth. Its not just scouts, its everything.

goblin I agree - cubs has been fantastic for DS. Its given him something that isnt wither school or sitting in his room reading which were the two activities that would take up all his time. Its given him confidence and much better social awareness. He moves up to scouts after the 6 weeks hols so I hope it will continue.

OP posts:

chickflit · 16/07/2011 09:48

I hope you send him, my ASD son went to camp last week and is coming back today, the night and morning before he went he kept saying it's going to be for six sleeps mummy - he was getting a bit worried over the length of time.

I haven't had a phone call to say come and get him so I presume he's having a wonderful time. He even celebrated his 9th birthday at camp yesterday, I bet he had a great time but me and his brother missed him terribly.

Our camp was only 10 minutes from our house and I would be lying if I didn't say I'd been driving around the countryside looking for a happy little band of cubs.

Mitmoo · 16/07/2011 10:03

Muggles: My AS son has anxiety problems and managing the anxiety is the key issue I can totally relate to him fearing something happening to you or him as we go through the same thing. That's why I suggested making sure he knows he has a way back home if it is too much.

That way he'll have less anxiety and will be able to enjoy himself. As another poster has said with the time out cards, like hers my AS son never abuses it, but it's there just in case.

exoticfruits · 16/07/2011 10:17

Mine were very different. DS1 went off quite happily, but DS2 had to be collected a fair few times-I never made a big thing about it and gradually we go to the point where he went off happily. I wouldn't have played to his anxieties and not sent him in the first place. I think it gave him confidence to know that he could get home.

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chickflit · 16/07/2011 16:39

Hi Muggles, did your son go in the end? Just to put your mind at ease I've just collected my DS from his camp and he absolutely loved it, hasn't stopped yabbering since he got home. He said he missed me for the first three days but then just decided to get on with it.

He also seems a lot calmer in himself and it was lovely to see him mixing with the other children and joining in when we went to collect him which is completely different from when he joined a year ago.

LadyThumb · 16/07/2011 18:17

Goblinchild is right - with AS it is the transition stage that is always a stumbling block. Try it in stages - "let's get in the car and go and see the others", then perhaps he will be ok.

MumblingRagDoll · 16/07/2011 18:26

I have terrible memories of Guide camp at age 11....I HATED it. I was actually depressed. Roughing it isn't fun for all kids....I was off my food and homesick the whole time and my Mum never made me go on another.

I still don't like the unfamiliar. Some people just don't.

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